Down Too Deep (Dirty Deeds, #4)(109)

“Thank you for paying for everything tonight. You didn’t need to do that, Nathan.”

I peered over at Jenna after she spoke.

I wanted to tell her how I was feeling, but I couldn’t quite describe what it was. It felt like everything and nothing.

I knew I’d see her and the kids tomorrow night at that party her brother was having. I felt shitty right now for no real reason. Jenna loved her surprise tonight. I was fixing this.

“Jenna.”

It was too dark in the truck to see her eyes, but I didn’t miss the little part in her lips when I said her name. Maybe it was the way I had said it that had her touching my arm and leaning over the center console to kiss me. Or maybe it was a culmination of things. It had to be anything but how I was looking at her, because if I couldn’t see her eyes, how could she see the fucking misery in mine?

The kiss was meant to feel like we were starting over and getting somewhere. It should’ve felt like I was getting Jenna back, because I was. I knew I was. She was kissing me, for fuck’s sake. But that strange sensation underneath my bones spread out and out and out. It unnerved me. Our kiss began to feel desperate. I held Jenna’s face and pressed firmer against her mouth. I kissed her deeper. Longer. I moaned against her tongue.

I kissed her like I didn’t want this to end, yet no matter what I did, it was ending.

Then Jenna put her hand on my chest and pulled away from me before we took it too far or too fast. She shyly dipped her head as she sank against the leather, and then she was telling me good night and fleeing the truck.

I drove home surrounded by silence, to a house that was too quiet to endure. I laid Marley in her crib and then I paced. I felt tense and unsettled. I couldn’t shake this feeling.

I wanted to drive back to Jenna’s. I wanted her here. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t deal with this shit tonight. I was fine waiting this out, waiting her out. So what the fuck?

I pulled out my phone as I took a seat on the couch and dialed her number. The rain barely made a sound outside. The storm was passing.

“Hey,” Jenna answered on the second ring. “What are you doing?”

“I need to talk to you.”

She must’ve heard something in my voice, because hers rose with concern. “Is everything okay?”

“No.” My answer poured out of my mouth.

“Is it Marley? Is she sick?”

“No. It’s me.” Hunched over, I rubbed at my neck. “I’m sorry. I’m just having a hard time right now…I don’t know.”

“Was it that dream? Did you have it again?”

“No.” I brusquely laughed. “I couldn’t sleep right now if I tried.”

A door quietly latched shut. “What is it, then? What’s going on?”

“Jenna, I did not want to say goodbye to you guys tonight.”

For a moment it was only her breath in my ear. And then she told me, “Okay,” but I heard her encouragement. Keep going.

“It fucked with me…I don’t know why. I just hated coming home without you.”

Again, she paused. I worried she misinterpreted my motive.

“Look, I don’t want you to think I’m telling you this to try to rush you—I’m not. I know we’re taking this slow and you’re still feeling me out…”

“That doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does. I’m not pushing you.” I spoke clearer and louder, my voice loosening.

“Telling me how you’re feeling wouldn’t push me, Nathan. I want you to share things with me.”

“I am. That’s what I’m doing.” Holy shit, it was. And it was simple. I blinked and let her in.

My head pressed into the cushion when I sank back. I stared at the ceiling. “I needed you to know how I felt. That’s why I called.”

“I’m really happy you did. I’m glad you told me.”

I knew she needed this. I didn’t hesitate to call for that very reason, when weeks ago, I would’ve. But the threat of losing Jenna that motivated me now was twofold. It was significant, and I didn’t think she understood that yet. How could she? I hadn’t told her.

“Are you going to be okay?” she asked.

“I’m scared out of my fucking mind of losing you,” I said as my answer.

I heard a mattress squeak and pictured Jenna sitting on her bed. “You say that like you don’t know we end up together. I thought you did?”

“That’s not what I mean.”

I knew the moment it all clicked for her—the impact of her understanding—it shuddered her breath.

“Nathan, you wouldn’t lose me,” she said quietly.

“You can’t say that. I don’t need you to say that—I’m okay with being scared. I just needed you to know…Being with you, it became something I’ve never felt before. I couldn’t understand it at first. I didn’t know it could be like this. But it’s you, and it’s your kids…it’s us together, all of us. I need it.”

“God, Nathan…”

“Listen, I can wait. I want you to be sure of this, Jenna, because I am so fucking sure of it. But I don’t want to be without you and those kids tonight. Or tomorrow night. And that’s something I’m going to continue to feel right along with being terrified of losing you.”