Don't Look Back(31)

“Jealous?” he asked.

“No, not really.” I sighed, putting the photos back on her desk. Beside her bed was a table painted bloodred. Interesting choice in color, but it was the music box that caught my attention. Walking over to it, I picked it up and turned to Carson. “I have one of these in my bedroom. It plays the same song.”

“A lot of girls have music boxes, right?”

“Yeah, but it’s identical.” I set it down, weirded out by that. “Was I friends with Cassie when I was little?”

“No.” He dragged his hand through his hair. “I mean, everyone grew up in the same circle, but you really didn’t get close to her until you were, like, eleven or so.”

Did we get matching music boxes then? Seemed like we’d be a little old for that. I picked up a stuffed unicorn that carried the scent of honeysuckle and then checked out her closet.

With each passing minute, my frustration mounted. I’d probably been in this bedroom a million times, and nothing about it was familiar. My hands curled into fists as I moved to the center of the room, staring at the red comforter that belonged to the best friend I also couldn’t remember.

I threw the unicorn on the bed. Tears pricked my eyes. The swamping hole inside my head remained the same. Empty. Vast. All my memories were gone, stolen. It was like being violated, but there was no one to pin the crime on. My mind spun in circles.

“I don’t remember a damn thing.” My voice came out a dry, hoarse whisper.

“It’s okay.” He placed his hand on the small of my back. “It might take a little time.”

A tremble ran through my body, and I hated it. Weak. Helpless. Lost. I spun around, pushing the loose strands of hair out of my face. “What if I never remember? Do I live the rest of my life like this? One foot in a past I can’t remember?”

His eyes widened slightly as he tilted his head forward. “I know this is hard for you to swallow right now, but if you never remember, you get to do something that most people never get to do.”

“Like what?” I folded my arms. “Have a bunch of second firsts?”

“Yeah, that.” Carson placed his hands on my upper arms, his eyes searching mine intently. “You get to start over. Experience all those things again. While everyone else is wishing for a doover, you get to have one.”

I wasn’t ready to look at this as a glass half full. “And what about Cassie? I don’t think she’ll get to have any doovers.”

He dropped his hands, eyes downcast. “That’s the hardest part to swallow.”

We left before Cassie’s grandfather could throw us out. I didn’t want to go home yet, so Carson suggested a late lunch. He parked the bike across from a cemetery that was about the same size as the town. Tourists were everywhere, taking pictures of the old orphanage and the back of the Jennie Wade House, the home of the only civilian killed during the Battle of Gettysburg. As I followed Carson into a pub next to the orphanage, I almost wanted to join the tourists.

I felt like them, except I just happened to be sightseeing my own life. Carson picked a booth in the back and handed me a menu. There was a curious look on his face as he watched me.

“What?” I asked.

He gave a slight shake of his head. “If someone had said a month ago that I’d be eating lunch with you, I would’ve told them to get off the crack.”

I laughed, turning my attention to the menu. “I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.”

“Neither, I guess. What I mean is that you never would’ve gone out with me like this.”

“But we were best friends.”

“When we were little,” he said, tapping his fingers on the edge of the table. “We haven’t been civil toward each other for years.”

My cheeks heated as I remembered the things I’d learned that I had said to him. “I was such a bitch.”

“You had your moments,” he said lightly.

I peeked up at him through my lashes. “You know what I don’t get? Why you’re so nice to me now when I was such a jerk to you.”

The low-hanging ceiling lamp glinted in his bright eyes. “Like I said, you had your moments.”

“Good ones?”

He shrugged, and I didn’t think I was going to get anything else out of him. Maybe I hadn’t had any good moments, but then he let out a low breath. “When you weren’t with Cassie and Mars was aligned with Jupiter, you could be like you used to be.”

A faint smile pulled at my lips. “Wow. All that for me to be nice?”

Carson’s grin was fast. Several seconds went by. “When my mom ... when she passed away two years ago, you came to the funeral. Scott was there. Of course he was, but I didn’t expect to see you there. Your father came, too, but you weren’t with him or your brother. Afterward, when I was at home, you surprised me again.”

“I did?” I whispered, watching him.

He nodded slowly. “There were a lot of people at our house. Mom had a lot of friends. She loved you, by the way.” One side of his lips tipped up again as his gaze settled on the menu. “You visited her, you know? When hospice came in and when I wasn’t home, you visited her. I don’t think you wanted me to know that you did, so I never brought it up, but I know my mom appreciated that and I ... I did, too. Anyway, after the funeral, I needed to get away to think.”