Don’t Let Me Go(111)

“That’s how I felt when you guys took Grace away from me.”

“Oh,” Billy said. “I can see that must have been hard. I’d say we didn’t mean for you to feel that way, but I’m not sure that would be the whole truth. I think everybody knew it would be terrible for you, and we hoped the pain would inspire you to go back to being Grace’s mom.”

“You mean you really were trying to get her back with me?”

“Oh, yes. It was mostly Grace’s idea.”

“You see, I never believed that,” Eileen said, picking up volume and emotion.

“I know you didn’t. But it’s the truth.”

“Why would Grace want you guys to say she couldn’t see me at all?”

“Because she thought if you lost the most important thing in the world to you, it might wake you up. She thought it might drive you to get better. She wanted you to get better. Didn’t Rayleen tell you that?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe. Probably. Honestly? If she did, and maybe she did, I don’t think I would’ve really heard it. At the time. I would’ve just thought, ‘Losing Grace’ll make me worse, not better, so that’s stupid.’”

They sat for a painful length of time. Dust motes swirled.

“I’m still humiliated in front of you,” she said.

Billy laughed out loud.

“Me? No one is humiliated in front of me. How could you be?”

“Because I was such a horrible parent, and you saw it. And I know you’re judging me for it.”

“Look. Eileen. I don’t judge. I don’t have the right to judge. I don’t have that kind of standing. I’m an agoraphobic with an anxiety disorder and a strong tendency toward panic attacks. I spent twelve years of my life refusing to even go out on my front patio, or out in the hall to get the mail. Nobody is so low that they think I’m looking down on them. There is simply no space underneath me.”

They sat in silence for another painful length of time, during which Eileen drained her mug of sweet coffee.

“OK,” she said, rising suddenly to her feet. “I’m glad we had this little talk. It was good.”

She headed for the door, so Billy ran ahead and unlocked it. And she walked out. Just like that. No further thoughts. No formal goodbye. And, Billy couldn’t help noticing, no real amends. He didn’t know much about twelve-step programs and how they handled amends, but he knew enough English to know the definition of the word.

It usually involved mentioning that you were sorry. That or better. That or actually doing something to make it right again.

? ? ?

It might have been two or three minutes later that he began to hear it, or it might have been five or ten. A sound. A very familiar, yet ancient, yet exhilarating, memory.

It was Grace. Shrieking with joy. Billy had no idea what she was feeling so joyful about, but it filled his chest nearly to breaking with emotion. He had heard nothing from Grace through his floor of late. For well over a year, Grace seemed to have forgotten that to be Grace was, by its very nature, a noisy proposition.

He heard the door to the basement apartment fly open, and a shriek big enough to fill the emptiness of the entire building.

“Billy! Billy, open your door!”

He ran to the door, undid the locks, and threw it wide. Just in time, too. Grace was literally off the ground, launching herself in his direction. She landed squarely in his arms, pushing a great “oof” out of him, and nearly sending them both flying on to his rug.

Then she jumped down and looked up into his face, eagerly, her eyes fully alive. Just the way he remembered them.

“When do we dance?” she fairly shrieked, hurting Billy’s ears in the most gratifying way.





Grace



“Whoa!” Grace shouted. “Wow, wow, wow!”

They stood in a stretch of sandy dirt at the side of the road, Grace keeping one hand on the car for balance. Felipe cut the engine and the headlights, and then it was dark. Real darkness, which Grace had never seen. She hadn’t known she’d never seen real darkness, but she knew it in that moment. Just fake city-dark.

And she’d never seen the stars. Not for real.

“That’s amazing!” she shrieked.

“Ouch. My ear,” Billy said.

“Sorry.”

Grace pried her gaze away from the stars and looked around. Nothing. Not as far as her eyes could see. No buildings, no other people, no streetlights, no nothing. Just a dark road, her friend Billy, and her friends Felipe and Clara, who had driven them more than an hour out into the desert surrounding LA. Until they found this beautiful nothing.

They stood beside the car together, Grace and Billy, in this brand-new blackness, their necks craned back.

“That’s so amazing,” she said again. More quietly this time.

“What, you didn’t believe me?”

“I believed you. You said there’d be more stars and I listened. But I didn’t know there’d be this many more. And I didn’t picture it right. You didn’t tell me they’d be all around us, like a dome. Like we’re in a globe. It makes me really see how the world is round. I mean, I know it is, cause we learned that and all, but it never seemed like it is until now.”

Billy lifted her by the waist and set her on the hood of the car, and she leaned back against the cool windshield, wondering why the desert gets cold at night if it’s known for being so hot and all.