Diary of a Bad Boy(69)

“Out here by yourself, lass?”

Startled, I wipe my eyes quickly and whip around to see Roark standing to the side, staring at me. How on earth did I not hear him approaching? There is a pinch in his brow as he kneels to my level, his fresh soapy scent hitting me first, then his minty breath.

“Are you crying?”

“No.” I wipe at my eyes again, even though that’s clearly giving it away.

His mouth quirks to the side. “Your eyes beg to differ. What’s going on?”

“Nothing. Just the smoke getting to me.”

He turns toward the fire in front of us, noticing the smoke blowing in the opposite direction. Damn wind. “Yeah, okay.” From behind him, he snags a chair and pulls it up right next to me and takes a seat, facing me completely. “Talk to me. Are you nervous about tomorrow?”

“No.” I shake my head. “I’m really confident about tomorrow.”

“Okay, so why are you upset?”

I press my cheek to my arms and look at him, giving him a sad smile. “Just us, that’s all.”

“Us?” His brow lifts, and he scoots a little closer. “What about us?”

I let out a long sigh. “My dad asked if there were any guys in my life and I told him—”

“You didn’t tell him about me, did you?” Sheer panic crosses his face as he looks back at the house, as if my dad is about to run out on the porch, wielding a shotgun.

“No, I wouldn’t do that, but I did casually talk about this guy I liked and told him what I was going through.”

He frowns. “What are you going through?”

“The ups and downs of wanting to be with you but getting nowhere.” I gaze at the fire, unable to look him in the eyes. “I like you, Roark, a lot, but I don’t know how much more I have in me to fight for what I want. I’m emotionally spent, but every time you’re around me, I can’t help but hope and wish, and pray that maybe this will be the time you give in, that this will be the time you ask me out on a date, that this will be the time you finally kiss me.” I shrug my shoulders, pressing my chin against my arms. “A girl can wish.”

Tension fills the air as silence hits both of us. If only I was like Mel Gibson in What Women Want and could read his thoughts, then this whole tango would be so much easier. Instead, I have to sit here awkwardly and wait for him to say something, something that’s most likely going to hurt me in the long run.

Finally, “I talked with your dad too.”

“What?” I smile, unable to hold back the humor in the idea of us both talking to my dad about each other but never revealing who we’re really talking about. “When did you talk to him?”

“The other day, while horseback riding. He asked me if I planned on settling at any point. Gave me an entire lecture on being a man.” Roark rubs his hand over his scruff. “It was the most honest conversation I think I’ve ever had. He made me think about a lot of things and the future I want to have, the life I want to lead.” He chuckles to himself. “Hell, in that moment, he was more of a dad to me than my father has ever been.”

That warms my heart.

“He’s a good man. I’m glad you could confide in him. He likes you, Roark, and only wants the best for you.”

“Yeah, I know.” He glances at the ground. “He uh, he made me think about what’s going on between us, kind of blew up my mind.”

“What did he say?”

Roark folds his hands together. “Nothing you need to know, but one thing did stick out.” He nods, as if he can hear my dad saying it now. “Be a man.” His eyes meet mine, and I’m surprised to see such intensity as he stares at me. I haven’t seen this expression before. “I want to be the man you deserve, Sutton, but I’m not sure how to go about it.” He scratches the back of his neck, looking nervous. “I don’t know anything about relationships or how to care for someone. All I know is this feeling I have for you, this mind-numbing, soul-shattering feeling coursing through my body, isn’t going to go away, so I can either continue to try to fight it, or I can ask you for help.”

“Help?” I ask, surprised as my heart stutters in my chest.

He nods and unfolds my arms, taking one of my hands in his. “I want this, I want us, but I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ll need your guidance and understanding and a promise that if I fuck up, which I know I will, you’ll be patient. This is all new for me.”

“Roark”—I press my free hand against this cheek and rub my thumb over his scruff—“we’re human, so we’re bound to screw up at some point.”

“But I’ve never truly received love before.”

“Well, there’s always room to learn.” I drag my thumb over his bottom lip, my body itching to be close to his. “Does this mean you want to take me out on a date?”

A beautiful smile pulls at the edges of his mouth. “Yeah, I think it does.”

My happiness matches his as we both smile at each other. “And you’re not going to cock-block me anymore?”

He nips at my thumb, causing me to laugh and pull away. “Fuck no. I don’t think my dick can take any more torture.”

“And does this mean you’re going to quit smoking?”