Curtsies & Conspiracies (Finishing School, #2)(80)

Sophronia began making gentlemanly noises about everyone turning potty, mostly to add to the kerfuffle. Sidheag joined her, both of them attempting to sound as upmarket and foppishly offended as possible.

“This is going too far,” insisted Sidheag, waving a handkerchief about her face. “Coal dust, in a hive, can you believe it?”

Sophronia spoke through gritted teeth. “Agreed. It’s like the Marquis of Inkuppy and that dyed-blue poodle he will insist on carrying everywhere. It can’t be permitted.”

“What’s next, green champagne?”

“Or leather waistcoats?”

“Leather waistcoats! Dingle, you go too far!” Sidheag chortled, slapping Sophronia lightly on the arm. “Aren’t you a hoot?”

The Pickleman duke turned sharp eyes from his vampire foe to the oddly dressed dandies. “And who, pray tell, are you?”

“Who we are is not important. Who we represent is the tick.”

“Oh, and who might that be?”

Sophronia flashed her hand up into the air in a flamboyant gesture. “Who do you think?”

“Blast it. Is he also involved?”

“You know he doesn’t like to involve himself. You may think of us as mere observers.”

“Oh?”

Sophronia tilted her head coyly. “However, I believe we may have a solution to this madness. As a concerned third party, if we were remanded custody of the, um, borrowed property, perhaps you could all sort out the other aspects to your satisfaction, and our lord will return the children as needed.”

“I thought Lord Akeldama didn’t like to involve himself.” Both dukes looked suspicious.

Sophronia said, “He has an affection for children.”

“Father,” said Felix, tugging on the Pickleman’s sleeve.

“Not now, boy!”

“But, sir—”

“Silence!”

“Yes, sir.” Felix gave Sophronia a funny look.

Sophronia winked at him.

Strangely enough, the countess and the Picklemen actually considered Sophronia’s offer.

One of the other Picklemen said, “How do we know those two drones aren’t on your side, madam? Given that they are still working for a vampire. You would have a necessary alliance in place, after all.”

The countess waved an airy hand. “Oh, Lord Akeldama is as autonomous as any rove can be.”

“Certainly more than the potentate,” added Sophronia, pushing her cause. That seemed the right thing to say.

Dimity started whining again, aiming to make herself as unwelcome as possible. Pillover grumbled at her to stop winching. They resumed bickering. The countess and the Pickleman duke ordered them to be silent. At the same time, Soap resumed banging around in the chimney. One of the footmen began trying to persuade him into a different room. Soap used all his wiry strength and stubbornness to protest.

Meanwhile, the rest of the household staff still chased Bumbersnoot. The mechanimal had taken refuge under a sofa and was resisting extraction by feather duster. Eventually, he singed the duster into obscurity, the room redolent with the smell of burned feathers. Sophronia gave a casual little whistle. He reemerged, upsetting a small marble statue that looked as if it might actually have come from ancient Rome, and headed toward Sophronia. He was diverted by a footman diving for him.

The mechanimal was steaming and hooting in excitement, and his little mechanical tail was going back and forth with great rapidity. Sophronia had never seen it move so quickly, which reminded her of something Vieve had said. When his tail starts to wag as fast as a hummingbird’s wings…

Oh, dear, thought Sophronia. Madame Spetuna must have been running him practically everywhere over the last few days. Either that or Vieve’s calculations were terribly off.

The dog’s tail became blur. Ticktockticktock.

She looked at Sidheag. “I think it’s time we left.”

Sidheag reached down and grabbed Pillover and Dimity up by the arms,. Together the three of them backed toward Soap and the mound of chimney-cleaning tools.

The footman grabbed Bumbersnoot. Bumbersnoot spat out a spiderlike object that was awfully familiar looking. It landed at the footman’s feet, hissing ominously.

How much time had Vieve said they would have once the explosive was launched? Only a few minutes.

Soap tackled the footman, trying to wrestle Bumbersnoot away. The two fell and landed on top of the explosive spider. They rolled to one side, still very close.

Sophronia did the only thing she could think off. She tumbled forward in one of Lady Linette’s rolls, grabbed the explosive, and threw it at the queen of the Westminster Hive.

At the same time, Sidheag threw all of Soap’s coal and equipment up into the air.

Soap whacked the footman upside the head with his coal scuttle, grabbed Bumbersnoot out of his grasp, and stood.

The spider exploded at the countess’s feet. The room became nothing but steam, smoke, and coal dust.

By the time the chaos had cleared, the two dandies, the chimney sweep, the mechanimal, and both Plumleigh-Teignmott children had disappeared.


They had to move incredibly fast; vampires were much quicker than they could ever hope to be. Such vampires as these would be startled only for a moment. Sophronia was banking on them focusing on their queen and then getting caught up in the group of Picklemen and their own drones before they could give chase. She was also hoping Madame Spetuna might do something to help delay the enemy.