Cross Her Heart(63)

‘Gosh!’ Emily’s eyes widen. ‘What if this was just the beginning? What if she was going to kill one of us next?’

‘I thought that last night,’ Julia, all glee, answers. ‘Who knows what she’s capable of? If she could kill her own daughter …’

‘We don’t know she’s murdered anyone yet.’ My rage bursts into flames, and I glare at them, all these young and not so young people so full of judgement and accusation.

‘Oh, I think we do.’ Julia turns, arch. ‘What about her poor little brother?’

‘You know what I meant.’ My face reddens. My answer is weak.

‘Oh, you meant we don’t know whether she’s killed anyone this time.’

Lisa is a murderer, but that was a long time ago. A different life. A different name. But it’s so hard to believe she’s got anything to do with the rest of all this crazy. Because she’s not crazy, and even if she is crazy I’d still like her better than this grade-A bitch in front of me. She’s smiling. This is exactly what she wanted. Well, fuck her.

‘No, as a matter of fact, we don’t. So why don’t you get on with the work you’re paid to do, and leave the police to get on with theirs.’ It’s not my finest ever comeback, but given that I’m a heartbeat away from screaming nonsensical swear words of rage and frustration into her smug face, it’s not bad. It’s not only her, it’s all of it. Richard, Penny shutting me out, Simon being kind, Ava going missing and Lisa – I can’t even begin there.

‘I’m surprised you’re not more worried,’ Toby joins in, not wanting to be emasculated by Julia, the new power in town. ‘I mean, you knew Ava pretty well, didn’t you? I’d have thought you’d be more upset about her, instead of defending Lisa.’

I stare at him, this peacock of a boy who’ll be bald and fat and unfuckable by the time he’s forty. This boy who knows nothing. ‘How dare you! How dare you presume to know my feelings?’

Red spots rise in his cheeks. He doesn’t know whether to go forward or back.

‘She stole the money.’ A soft voice, barely there. Stacey. Sweet, dumb Stacey, defending her man. Julia’s eyes dart back and forth, relishing every moment of this overdue confrontation. There’s a long pause of held breaths, and then I don’t disappoint as all the heat rushes out of me. A blaze of fiery words.

‘God, you’re all so fucking stupid!’ I say. ‘You can’t see what’s right in front of you! Lisa never stole any money! Jesus Christ, ten years she worked here and never a penny went missing! Julia stole it! Little miss resting-bitch-face over there. Yes, you! And you know how I know? Lisa saw you at the party. You took twenty quid out of Penny’s wallet and bought her a thank you bottle of wine with it! You want to talk about crazy? Well, that’s crazy!’ I pause for a breath, my whole body shaking, as they stare at me.

‘Yes, Lisa did something terrible a long time ago, and no, I’m never going to understand it, or get my head around it, but fuck you for thinking people can’t change. Fuck you for being so quick to believe the worst because you’re too young and too lucky to know what life can make you do, and fuck you all for being so stupid to think that girl’ – my finger stabs at Julia – ‘that woman, because she’s my age if she’s a day – is your friend!’

I finish my tirade to an applause of silence and wide eyes. Stacey looks about to burst into tears. Toby’s mouth is hanging open but his eyes are gleaming with regret he hadn’t videoed me on his phone. They don’t get it. They’ll never get it. But still, I’m feeling better already, as if I’ve just vomited up bad food, and then I see Julia’s expression. Victorious even as she tries to look distressed. She’s not looking at me. She’s looking over my shoulder. My stomach sinks. Penny’s arrived. Of course she has.

‘Perhaps you should go and work from the hotel, Marilyn,’ she says. Her smile is tight. Any other day and I’d be fired, I’m sure of it, but God bless Simon Manning. ‘Feelings seem to be running a little high this morning and I know you have a lot to organise there.’

I nod. I’m like a scolded child and suddenly I want to cry. All I do is cry these days. I won’t now, though, I’m not giving Julia the satisfaction. I don’t trust myself to speak as I gather my things together. Screw you too, Penny. My eyes blaze into hers and the ten years of trust between us burns to ash.

‘One more thing,’ she says, as I head towards the door. I turn. ‘Apologise to Julia. She didn’t deserve that.’

Now all I want to do is laugh. Or applaud. Julia’s certainly the ringmaster of this little circus. I stare at her and she stares back. Her eyes give nothing away. She looks truly hurt by what I’ve said. She deserves a bloody Oscar.

‘I apologise, Julia.’ It’s clear from my tone I’m not sorry at all, but still she darts her eyes sideways in a Princess Diana poor me way, and tentatively smiles.

‘Please,’ she says. ‘It’s okay. I know it’s been a difficult time for you.’

God, she’s good, but I’m not buying it for an instant. My back is stiff as I walk out. Fuck you, Julia, if you think this is over. My hand trembles as I press the button for the lift. If you think that, then you don’t know me at all.