Cross Her Heart(55)

Charlotte doesn’t want to think about pills and leans in closer to delicate, beautiful Katie who’s so strong inside, and drinks in her lyrical voice. ‘She’s obsessing about death. She thinks I don’t notice, because they all think I’m a bit simple, but it’s so obvious. Daddy says it’s grief, but I don’t see why she’s so sad. He was old, after all, and she’s got the seaside house now so it’s all rather good. She doesn’t see it that way, obviously. When we got home she polished the stairs of our house so hard – to distract herself Daddy said – that she slipped down them! She said she nearly broke her neck!’ She lets out a tinkling laugh with an edge of venom. Katie hates her ma. She hates her da too, but her ma the most.

‘Of course then she got sandpaper and rubbed the shine away, worrying I’d fall down them. As if I would. She’s making me take vitamin pills now. To keep me healthy. Honestly, Charlotte, she doesn’t let me breathe. Daddy tries his best to make her see reason but she controls him too. At least he gets to go to work. Thank God the pills make her sleepy and I can come out and see you.’ She smiles, so sweet and fresh, and Charlotte clings to her.

‘I put one in her coffee today,’ Katie says, impish. ‘And she’d already taken one. She won’t wake up for ages.’

‘Maybe she should go to sleep forever,’ Charlotte murmurs. Would that be so bad? To sleep forever?

‘Yes!’ Katie leaps to her feet. ‘Maybe she should! What would we do then? Would we run away?’

All their games and fantasies start with running away – drive away, baby – who they’ll be and what they’ll do, and Charlotte leaps up despite her tiredness, despite her raw anger, despite the tears trapped inside that threaten to humiliate her. ‘Bonnie and Clyde!’ she says. ‘We’ll rob banks and shite people up! We’ll be legends!’ She feels stronger already, basking in the glow of Katie’s admiration. Katie thinks she is wild and crazy and free. Katie thinks she is the big bad wolf, terrorising everyone in the estate. The big bad wolf.

‘I’ll be Bonnie and you’ll be my handsome Clyde.’ Katie pretends to fan herself with one hand, and pulls an invisible gun from her hip with the other. ‘We’ll be inseparable and people will envy our love.’ She leans in and kisses Charlotte on the mouth and her lips are so soft Charlotte’s face burns and contorts as the tears she dreads threaten to overwhelm her. She pulls a cigarette out of her top pocket and lights it, trying to control her trembling mouth.

‘Charlotte?’ Katie says, so full of concern. ‘What’s the matter? Has something happened?’

She shakes her head. ‘Just shite with Daniel. The usual. Family. Nothing I want to think about.’

‘You can tell me anything.’ Katie holds Charlotte’s face in both hands, not gently, like a girl, but strong.

‘I know.’ She can’t though. This is not like Katie’s overprotective ma. Instead, Charlotte breaks away and lets the cigarette hang from her lips as she stands in a pose she imagines a gangster would take. ‘Let’s go on the rob, Bonnie! There’s a bank in town we need to hit!’ She wiggles an eyebrow and holds out her hand and Katie laughs and claps her hands together and jumps up and down. Always so much energy. It feeds Charlotte and almost makes her feel better.

They clamber out of the house back into the sunlight and they run fast across the wasteland hand in hand. The bank will be old Mrs Jackson’s stupid shop and their gold will be sweets and drinks that Charlotte will steal. She is the big bad wolf, she is, she is. She doesn’t want to think about last night. She wants to run so fast the past can’t keep up.

Stupid Daniel. It was all stupid little shite Daniel’s fault. She can feel it, the memory of it, chasing her like hot breath on her neck. She runs faster, but she’ll never be fast enough.

‘Daniel’s sick,’ her ma says, standing in the doorway of her bedroom. ‘I need to stay at home.’

‘There’s nothing wrong with him,’ Charlotte growls and doesn’t look up. ‘He was fine earlier. He’s fine now.’ It’s not totally true though and she knows it. He has been quiet and pale and not nagging at her to play with him since she got home. Just sat in a corner with Peter Rabbit, sucking on one of the ears. She feels a tug of something inside. Not love. She can’t love Daniel. Everything is worse for her since he came along, but a tug of something. ‘I’ll watch him while you work.’

Ma shakes her head. She’s like this whenever Daniel gets sick. Won’t let Charlotte near him. ‘It’s me he needs.’

‘So what’re you telling me for?’ She was never like this when Charlotte was small, when it was only the two of them. She never stayed in for her.

‘We need the money.’ Ma isn’t looking at her now, focusing instead on the listless toddler on her hip clinging to his rabbit.

‘And?’ Alarm bells are starting to ring in Charlotte’s head. Her ma says nothing for a moment, chewing her bottom lip. Her eyes are glazed over, from drinking with Tony all afternoon probably. Red-ringed too. Has Ma been crying?

‘You talk to her. I’ll take him.’ Tony appears and lifts the boy out of Ma’s arms as her hands flutter to take him back. Daniel starts crying, little quiet sobs.

‘Charrot come with me,’ he says, and then he’s gone.