Connected (Connections, #1)(86)

He surprises me but not saying how hot he thinks I look, but instead simply says, “You think you know me that well already?”

“Well wouldn’t you?”

Shrugging his shoulders, he leans in again and kisses me a little longer this time before saying, “Why don’t you stick around and find out for yourself?”

I laugh and shove him out the window. “Enough with the long goodbyes. I’ll see you in two days.”

Moving away from the car and putting both hands in his pockets, he grins his sexy grin at me. “Catch you later, beautiful girl.”

Gazing at him and giggling at his reference to one of my favorite Smashing Pumpkins songs, Perfect, I blow him a kiss. “I’ll call you when I get there. Oh, and River?” I wait for him to look at me. When he does I say to him, for only the second time ever, “I love you.”

Smiling at me, he quickly opens my door and pulls me to him. My heart responds to his touch as it starts to beat faster. I close my eyes and lean into him, he smells so good, fresh from the shower. I press my palms against his chest and I swear I not only feel his heart beating but also hear it just as loudly. He cups my chin and looks at me intensely. “I love you so much.”





Traffic is light, as I drive the sixty minutes or so back to Laguna Beach. I’m enjoying the tranquility of the enchanting starry night as I reflect back on the past week and how my life has changed so drastically. My emotions range from high to low, I’m happy and I’m sad.

Glancing over at the empty passenger seat while stopped at a red light, I pick up the small black rectangular picture frame I put there yesterday. The glass is gone, but the photograph, still perfect, is of my father, mother, and myself at Disneyland. I clutch it tightly against my chest remembering the fun we always had together. God, I wish they were still here with me. I miss them so much.

Tears stream down my cheeks as I’m driving, but they are tears of reflection more than sadness. We were able to collect most of my memories. Yes, most are broken and in need of repair, but I still have them to keep and treasure. The only unsalvageable items were Ben’s journals. As River crated the broken photographs and frames, I flattened all Ben’s hand scripted pages, flattened them, and put them in a box. I’d never read his most private thoughts and I don’t think I ever will, but I want to keep them nonetheless.

Over the course of the week, I’d finally let Ben go. He will always be with me, but I have made room for someone else in my heart now. Grace’s words echo in my mind right now as I recall our goodbye last night standing outside my car. She knew I would be back tonight, but we both were aware that when I returned I would no longer be Ben Covington’s fiancé, as I’d often been referred to after his death.

Last night, as I took the engagement ring that I’d tucked away so many days ago out of my purse, I clutched it tightly before handing it to her. River was waiting for me in his car. I was going to follow him home in mine. Glancing over at him, I smiled and took a deep breath. I knew the time was right. “Grace, please keep it safe for me.”

She hugged me tightly. “Dahlia honey, I will. You deserve to be happy and you’re ready for this, for him,” she said, looking over the man she knew I loved. “Don’t cling to the remnants of your life that have been snatched away from you. Instead, look forward to your future. I know I do.” We were both crying as we said goodbye. I knew then that when I arrived at her house tonight she would be the same loving woman she always has been, but she would no longer be my future mother-in-law.

Now, driving down Grace’s street I stop at the end of the stone driveway and slowly walk to the beach. I haven’t visited our favorite spot since he died, and I’ve missed it. The moonlit path is visible, and the old weathered planks creak beneath my feet as I cross the divide like I’ve done a thousand times before. Looking up, the dark heavens are shining with twinkling stars, and I truly believe my family and Ben are smiling down on me. The waves splash through the surf, and it’s music to my ears. The full moon’s beams reflect off the glistening sand and make it sparkle like diamonds. The ebb and flow of the water moves quickly, crashing against the rocks as the white froth of sea dances across the shore.

I bend down and untie my sneakers. Taking my Converse shoes off, I tuck my phone in one and leave them in the dunes. Inhaling deeply, I hesitantly start my walk through what I have thought of as quicksand for the past two years.

As the moonlight flickers across the beach, it’s as if the exhilarated moon is blinking its eyes at me, guiding my way to the beloved shore. I feel like this place is readying me for the peaceful nights that will hopefully come after I leave, after I say my goodbyes.

The soft sand feels like grains of sugar beneath my feet and it comforts me as I approach the shore. Reaching the water, I release the breath I’ve been holding and think of Ben in the surf, on his board enjoying the waves. Thoughts of all our fun times here on the beach make me smile.

A cool wind blows through the air with determination, as if it’s trying to get somewhere. The beautiful palm trees, bent back from so many past storms, seem close enough to almost kiss the ground.

I roll up my jeans as the healing water swirls around me, creating a whirlpool effect around my ankles. Looking out into the darkness, the ocean seems to be laughing as it bounces up and down.

I sit down and slowly immerse myself in the water, taking deep cleansing breaths. I sit here, for I don’t know how long, and let the water wash away my pain as I reacquaint myself with one of my favorite places. I know I’ll never forget Ben regardless of the tangible things I may have lost; his spirit will always be with me.