Cleopatra and Frankenstein(33)

“At least all men seem to like you,” said Audrey. Cleo looked at her disapprovingly. “I’m kidding!” she added. “Kind of.”

“You really think women don’t like you?” asked Cleo.

“I don’t know,” Zoe said quickly. “I’m generalizing. In my psych class we read this study that said what men feared most was pity, and what women feared most was envy. And it resonated with me. For a guy envy can be empowering, but for a girl it just means you’re going to get attacked or excluded.”

Zoe looked furtively at the others’ faces. She felt as though she had just exposed some hidden part of herself to them, a truth she had always felt but never articulated, and was afraid they might call her arrogant or delusional. But they were both nodding.

“I get that,” said Audrey. “That’s why girls always bounce back compliments. Like, if you say you like my hair, then I have to be all, no it’s so gross and lank, your hair is amazing!”

Cleo laughed. “But if you tell a man he has nice hair,” she said, “he’s like, thanks, and my cock is huge.”

Audrey unpeeled a grape Popsicle from its plastic wrapper and began scraping the freezer frost from it with her finger. “I understand why men fear pity, though. My dad’s like that, always has to be so tough and strong. It’s hard for Asian men in this country. They’re really emasculated here, which is crazy because Korean men are actually super macho.”

“They are?” asked Zoe.

“Oh yeah. Have you ever been with one?”

Zoe and Cleo shook their heads.

“You’re missing out,” she said. “They’re like sexy seals, all smooth and hairless.”

The three of them shrieked with laughter.

“But that guy from the bar was white,” said Zoe, taking the joint. “And you slept with him.”

“It’s true.” Audrey nodded. “What can I say? The colonialists got to me. I even fucked Anders, the original Aryan asshole.”

Zoe dipped her head. She had drunkenly made out with Anders after Cleo and Frank’s wedding, though she knew better than to tell anyone. Frank would kill her, and anyway, she had felt weird about it afterward. He was older than Frank, who was already pretty old. When she looked up, she noticed that Cleo seemed to be flustered by this information too.

“Did I ever tell you about the time a Hare Krishna flashed me on the subway?” said Cleo, clearly anxious to change the subject. “Just lifted up his robe. Never broke eye contact.”

Zoe shuddered dramatically. She told them about the janitor at her boarding school who used to bet the girls that he could guess the color of their underwear. If he was right, they had to give him the pair.

“He was Irish,” she said. “So he would be like—” She affected a near-perfect Irish accent. “‘What color are your knickers, girlies?’”

Audrey made a noise that registered both delight and disgust.

“But why would you agree to those terms?”

“Because, get this, he was also our weed dealer,” said Zoe.

They all laughed again.

“I gave my coke dealer a blow job once,” said Audrey when she’d caught her breath.

Cleo covered her mouth as if aghast. Zoe, who was genuinely shocked, tried to look unfazed. Audrey shrugged.

“Not for trade or anything. He was just hot.”

Zoe snorted with laughter. There was something so freeing about talking to the older girls like this. They weren’t surprised by anything. They didn’t judge her, and they weren’t jealous of her. They treated her as one of them.

“Guys, what do you think this means?” Zoe asked them, and recounted the story Kyle had told her about the man falling into the hole.

“And that’s the end?” asked Audrey. “There’s just two people in the hole now?”

“Apparently,” said Zoe.

“I’m too high to figure this out,” said Audrey. “Do they have sex in the hole?”

Zoe giggled. “I don’t think so.”

“The hole is loneliness,” said Cleo quietly.

“Why’s that?” said Audrey.

“You can’t stand above someone and tell them to get out of it,” she said. “Or teach or preach it out of them. You have to be in it with them.”

“You really think that’s it?” said Zoe.

“That’s why it’s a riddle,” said Cleo. “Someone else being in the hole with you means you’re no longer in the hole.”

“That’s deep, Cley,” said Audrey. “But I still suspect they have sex.” She stood up and clambered back through the window. “I’m gonna try to pee standing up like a dude!” she yelled over her shoulder.

Cleo met Zoe’s eye and laughed.

“Is that how you feel with Frank?” asked Zoe. “Like someone’s in the hole with you?”

Cleo looked out over the unlit buildings. The street below them was quiet and empty. It felt as if they were the only people still awake in the whole city.

“Sometimes,” she said. She paused to think some more. “And sometimes … Frank is the hole.”

Zoe looked at Cleo, and just for a moment, she saw her sadness. Something about her eyes, the slight downturn of her mouth when she thought no one was watching. She looked like the loneliest girl in the world.