City of the Dead (Alex Delaware, #37)(87)

He puffed his lips. “I don’t want to offend you…”

“No offense possible, Sean. What’s on your mind?”

“Okay.” Two deep breaths. “Do you and Dr. Daschoff talk? About me?”

“We don’t, Sean.”

“Sorry, then,” he said. “So even though you referred me…”

I’ve learned to look at referrals as a form of foster-parenting. Do your best to find the right people, be available if you’re needed, but otherwise let go.

I said, “When I didn’t hear otherwise, I assumed everything was going well.”

“Oh, it is, it’s going great.” His hands clenched. “Okay. Now I’m going to ask something else that I hope you don’t take the wrong way.”

“Do Milo and I talk about you.”

He gaped. “Yes! Exactly. I mean if you do, I understand. You guys go way back and I know—I get that if you did, the reason would be to help me.”

“We don’t discuss you, Sean.”

“You don’t. Okay.” He stood. “That was quick, huh? Sorry for wasting your time.”

I remained in my chair. “What are you really concerned about, Sean?”

He flinched. Sat back down.

“Okay— I get that you’re not my official therapist but could we talk and it would still be confidential?”

“Of course.”

“It’s not like I want to keep secrets from Loot. He’s been great, I appreciate that he looks out for me. It’s just that…I don’t want to sound ungrateful…”

I said, “You feel he’s being overprotective.”

Wry grin. “You’re reading my mind, today, Doc.”

Easy with an open book.

He said, “Yeah, I do feel that way. Ever since the…no sense beating around the bush, when you saved my life, Doc. You know how I feel about that. We’ve talked about it.”

I nodded.

“I could never repay you, Doc. I’m eternally grateful.”

“I was happy to be there for you, Sean.”

“Must’ve been terrifying for you.”

“A lot more so for you, Sean. So, in terms of Milo…”

“Okay,” he said. “Here’s the deal. When the department cleared me to return, I figured I’d be back in the swing. But I haven’t exactly been swinging, Doc. It’s not like I’ve been discriminated against. Overtly. Loot’s assigned me to surveillance and other stuff, at some level I’m doing the job. But there’s been way more paperwork than before. Which is fine, if that’s what’s really needed. The problem is, and maybe it’s my imagination, I don’t think that’s the reason. I think I’m being kept away from what the department calls potentially confrontational situations.”

Nothing like bureaucratic verbiage.

I said, “You feel you’re being shielded from danger. Like watching Conrad Deeb. Like getting actively involved in his arrest.”

“Exactly, Doc, exactly! This guy is a violent psycho lunatic, so, sure, I can see where Loot’s coming from. Because let’s face it, the last time I got into a situation with one of those, I…but I learned from that experience, Doc, and the way I see it is nothing will rehab me better than embracing danger and doing a better job of handling it. I’ve thought it through a million times and I feel I’m ready. Dr. Daschoff agrees. He says no one knows the inside of my head better than I do and I say I’m ready.”

“First of all, I don’t think you did anything wrong, Sean, and neither does anyone else.”

“Maybe,” he said. “But let’s face it, if you weren’t there—okay, fine, whatever. The main thing is I learned from it. I’m on my guard and ready and I need to get back on the job a hundred percent. To be treated like Moe and Alicia. Like anyone else.”

“I agree, Sean.”

“You do?” he said. “Okay, so at least I don’t have to worry about Loot talking to you and you saying something different.”

“I doubt he’d do that, but on the off chance he does, I’d totally support you.”

“Oh man.” Sean’s eyes got moist.

I said, “In terms of going forward, I see two approaches. I can talk to Milo and suggest he ease up. No guarantees, of course. And it might work against you.”

He smiled. “Yeah, Loot can be…set in his ways. And to be fair, his ways are usually right. But this isn’t about detective work, this is about what’s in here. And here.” Tapping his chest, then his forehead.

“Like Dr. Daschoff said, no one knows your experience the way you do.”

He sighed. “Doc, you have a way of phrasing things…yes, that’s it to a T. And I see what you mean by working against me. He’d see me as kind of…babyish. Needing someone to go to bat for me. So I guess I should talk to him myself.”

I said, “Makes sense.”

“I sure hope so.”



* * *



—

At the door, Sean shook my hand hard, made a slight move as if wanting to hug me but held back. “Doc, this has been super-helpful. I really want to be in on busting Deeb. The past is the past and my life has been fantastic, I wouldn’t ask God to change anything.”