City Dark(95)

Joe unfolded the next page and beheld his mother’s large, loopy cursive. This was the only time he could remember seeing it outside of the few bits and pieces that Aideen had shown him from the crime scene materials. It was undated.

Joey:

I write this to you in hopes of finding you again in New York when I have the strength and the will to leave here. I am happy in this lovely, simple place after so many years of misery and wretchedness, most of which I caused to myself. I must come home, though. If I dare try to forgive myself, then first I must attempt the impossible. I must find you, my darling boy. I must pray that you’ll allow me to explain myself to you and Robbie, and I think I will need you to reach Robbie, as I believe I scarred him even more than I did you. And there is another brother, Charles, whom your father and I abandoned, even before I abandoned the two of you.

The tears on this page, if you can see their marks, may be the only evidence of sincerity that I can offer you. I feel guilt like a fire in my bones, and it has all but consumed me. I wish I could tell you the darkness that overcame me that night the lights went out. I say this because they went out in me too. There is no excuse. There is no apology I can offer for the madness and the call of death that I answered and that led me away from you, along the dark blocks lined with people like ghosts that I just kept following and following until it was morning, and then I was on a bus and I was hoping that you had found Mike and that you would be okay.

You would not be okay, though, not really. I know that you and Robbie found the strength and courage to go on without me and find your uncle in that blackness. I know that Mike gave everything he had to make your lives as whole as possible before he died too, another thing I chose not to be there for. I know the gifts God gave me—in you, Charles, and Robbie—and I know how I not only squandered them but also rejected them and spit on them. On you. On our lives together and what was left of them.

I lost my nerve when the lights went out, Joey. And then I lost my mind.

I deserve nothing, but I am praying that the pastor is right and that being a child of God means I can seek redemption in this life as well as the next. I want nothing for myself, Joe. Please understand that. Every debasement of my body and soul over the years is one I deserved. Pastor Suzanne and I disagree on this, but it’s how I feel, and I don’t lie anymore. But maybe if I can see you and talk to you, maybe I can win your assistance in finding Charles and perhaps the same with Robbie and perhaps . . . I just don’t know. There is no wholeness, I know that. There will be no family life for us. Maybe there can be life for us, though. Something brief and beautiful that you can hold. Maybe.

I’ve watched you from afar, Joe, and I know you’ve done good things, even with your struggles. I’ve been corresponding with a man whom I really do not know, but he tells me he’s worked with you, and he believes I can find you. He has provided a few details to that end, and he’s asked nothing of me in return. That is difficult for me to accept, as I have never, ever, received anything from a man that didn’t have strings attached.

I don’t know that I will see him when I arrive there, but I am hoping to find you. I wish I could just pick up a phone or a pen and write you, but that isn’t possible. I can’t explain it, but if I see you, it will be because I have the courage to actually physically approach you. I will look into your eyes. We will see each other, and if you are willing to hear me, then I can admit to you—you first, before Robbie and Charles—the things I am guilty of.

I say these things because I have hope, my darling.

God, through Pastor Suzanne and my sisters here, has given me many things, but none more important than hope.

I hope.

I love you.

If God wills it, I will find you.

“I don’t even know where to start.” His eyes wandered around the room, and his hands shook until he squeezed them together. It was more than overwhelming. It was impossible to fully absorb. He looked back at Aideen. “What happens now?”

“You should be released from here tomorrow, maybe Friday. The case won’t be formally dropped until KCDA submits a motion, but you’ll be out, pending that.”

“No, Aideen, I mean, what do I do? I can’t even . . .” He trailed off and felt his eyes brimming with tears. “What the hell do I do now?”

“You have to process this,” she said. “After everything else, now this. I’d say one day at a time.”

He ran a hand through his hair. “I had no idea she even had thoughts like that. I had no idea she could express them.”

“It sounds like she couldn’t for many years. I’m glad she did, and that this pastor was able to share them with you.”

“These crimes, Aid, I thought I committed them. For a while there, I really did.”

“I know you did.”

“So . . . how did you . . . I mean, why did you . . .” He was fighting breaking down and sobbing.

“Why did I what?”

“Believe in me? That’s different from believing me, you know what I mean? No one had done that since Craig Flynn. Before him, it was Uncle Mike.”

“Plenty of people believed in you. I did too, for the most part.”

He felt himself grinning. “For the most part?”

“I like to hedge my bets.”

“Do you think Craig knew I was innocent? I mean really knew it?”