Cilka's Journey(86)
* * *
Life in the camp and in the hospital slowly returns to normal. Despite the white nights, no one risks being outside in the evenings due to the increased guard presence along the perimeter fence, and the sense that the guards are still jittery.
The hut mourns Hannah. Though she was always finding ways to get under her hut-mates’ skin, she was admired, especially now that the women see what she used to do for them all. Elena takes it the hardest, beating herself up for not knowing her plans, for not being by her side.
Cilka learns that the prisoners who survived the uprising face no further punishment. They go back to their huts, to their jobs, their lives returning to normal. Rumors circulate about some prisoners removing the patches identifying them by a number. They are getting away with it, no attempt is being made to force them to sew it back on.
When entering the hospital one day, Cilka is relieved to look across the yard and see the familiar tall, confident figure of Alexandr, closing his eyes and breathing out smoke into the frosty air.
She gets to work, the sight sustaining her for days, like food.
CHAPTER 29
The dark returns.
There’s a blizzard howling outside and only one man braves it to enter Hut 29. Boris. He is distraught. He has learned he is to be released in a few days’ time and is trying to pull strings to have Cilka released too, so they can start a life together.
Cilka says nothing as he regales her with plans of moving back to his home, of his family there and how he will get a job and he can provide for Cilka and the family he wants to have with her. Cilka feels sick. She has to think of something.
She runs her fingers across his scalp as he snuggles into her.
He tells her he loves her.
Cilka is thrown back to another place, another time.
Auschwitz-Birkenau, 1944
“You know I care about you, don’t you?”
“Yes, Commandant Schwarzhuber,” Cilka replies meekly.
“I’d do something about my feelings for you if I could. You know that, don’t you?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Don’t call me sir here, in bed. Use my name, Cilka.”
“Johann.”
“It sounds so lovely coming from your lips. You do like me, don’t you?”
Cilka forces her voice to sound loving. He doesn’t see the tears she wipes from her eyes as she tells the biggest lie of her life. A lie that will allow her to stay alive.
“Of course I do, Johann.”
Tentatively Cilka runs her fingers through his hair. He purrs like a kitten, snuggling into her chest.
“Johann?”
“Yes, little one.”
“I’ve never asked you for anything in all the time we’ve been together, have I?”
“Mmm, no, I don’t think you have, why?”
“Could I ask you for just one thing?”
“I suppose so. Yes, if I can give it to you. What is it you want?”
“It’s not for me.”
“Then who?”
“For my friend Gita. She likes this man, just as I like you, and it would be good if he could have his old job back, he was very good at it.”
“What’s his job?”
“The T?towierer—he was the T?towierer.”
“Mmm, I have heard about him. Do you know where he is?”
“I do.”
“Then why don’t we pay him a visit tomorrow?”
“Thank you, Johann. Thank you very much.”
Cilka clears her throat and swallows back her tears. There is no use for them in this place.
* * *
Aware that Boris is stroking her face, running his hands down her neck, Cilka forces herself to find that voice again.
“Oh, Boris, I don’t know what to say. I care so much for you; you have been so important in my life here.”
“But do you love me, Cilka?”
She clears her throat. “Of course I do. You have been my savior.” She marvels at his inability, now and always, to read the tone of her voice, her body language, the things that don’t lie. She doesn’t believe in miracles, in love.
“I have to take you with me. I want you with me. I can’t bear the thought of any of those animals putting their hands on you. They tell me they are lining up to take you as soon as I go.”
The words stab Cilka like a knife and she clutches her chest. Boris interprets her groan to be the pain of sadness that he is leaving. He holds her, gently whispering his love and how he is going to take care of her.
* * *
At the mess the next morning, Cilka, Elena and Anastasia sit together over their gruel.
“I heard everything last night,” Anastasia says to Cilka.
“Don’t worry your head about it, Anastasia,” Cilka says. She needs to solve this on her own.
“Heard what?” Elena says.
Anastasia says, “Boris is being let out.”
Elena stops eating for a moment. “Cilka, you have to move into the nurses’ quarters.”
“We’ll work it out. I can’t leave all of you.”
“Cilka, don’t be stupid!” Elena says, hitting her with her spoon. “We all have husbands, or protection,” she says, sending a subtle wave to Antonina across the hall. “You will be eaten alive. Even Antonina or your fancy doctor won’t be able to save you.”