Cake Love: All Things Payne(51)

He nods his head and shrugs. "Yeah, like I said I kept getting distracted with work and the people at work."

His eyes start to darken as he looks at me. Henrik reaches up and brushes his thumb over my bottom lip and without thinking, I flick my tongue over the tip. Pulsating waves of heat cascade down my body. I hear him groan as his woodsy scent reminds me how much I have missed being near him.

Then I remember the last time he touched me. He left without a word and disappeared. How, just last night he made it clear how busy he was and didn’t have time for me. His words last night cut me. Maybe New York made me stronger or my sleepless night last night allowed me time to really think about things, but I manage to find the strength to push him away. Henrik's touch usually causes me to liquefy but not now.

"No Henrik. You still haven't answered my question. Why haven't I heard from you these past three weeks? Why have you been ignoring me?"

He leans back on his desk, a few papers fall and slowly drift to the ground. I watch his muscles flex in his arms as the shirt material tightens from his grip. Just witnessing his shirt fill out has me questioning my decision to push him away.

"There are a few reasons why I disappeared. I had just started to work on all this and wanted to devote a lot of time to it. You were in New York and I knew you were busy with the program. I told you last night how I was busy and you were too; I was honest when I said that. I have done enough damage to your career, and the last thing I wanted to do was distract you from graduating. I had a meeting in New York with a potential investor when I saw you enter the hotel lobby with Aria. Luckily, I had just finished the meeting so I followed you into the hotel restaurant. I knew I should have stayed away, but seeing you...I meant it when I said I was selfish then. I had to touch you, see your face as you died a little in my arms."

Henrik let out a long breath before continuing, "I know I haven't treated you well Morgana. I clung to my stupid rules trying to protect myself from ever being hurt again. When you left after we were caught, I realized something. I wasn't devastated that I lost my job or even that you didn't say anything after I admitted my love to you. Knowing that I pushed you away and that I may never get you back was what broke me. You made me realize that love isn't a two way street. I hated my mom for never loving me back but when she died, I missed her. I couldn't understand why I missed someone I hated." Henrik shakes his head as he releases a nervous laugh.

"Then when you left it all made sense. I still loved you even when you didn't say it back. Even when I thought I might never see you again. So, I loved my mom even when she used me for show and died. I regret not coming to terms with that while she was alive, but I was too young to realize it then. Perhaps if she lived I would have discovered it. I don't know. However, I don't want to make that same mistake with you. I want to follow my dreams and love too."

Wow. Just wow.

There is nervous heat rising up my neck and burning my ears. He is being so open with his feelings. So honest. Not like the Henrik I know at all. It has been such a roller-coaster ride with him; I don't quite know how to assess this. Perhaps it is best I am honest with him.

"That was beautiful Henrik. But I asked cake to marry me." I smile as does he, but my joke doesn't do much to lighten the mood. "I’m struggling to respond, but I just don't know. I feel so much for you, and I think you know how easily my body responds to Herr Henrik Von Spankypants." I smirk as he shakes his head smiling.

"But that isn't enough is it? Perhaps I am a bit weary of your words because all I know are your actions. Like you said, you haven't treated me well since I have known you. Hell, you walked out in the middle of interviewing me and sent Evaleen in to end the interview. That was shitty. And that was just the beginning. I am partly to blame for putting up with it, but I told you no so many times and you still took advantage of your power over my body. And by power, I mean your sex appeal."

I take a breath and look around the room, hoping to see something that will help me understand what I am doing here. All I see is blank walls, a large desk, and a black mesh office chair. There is nothing that can help me, not that I even know what I am looking for.

"I guess what I am trying to say is, maybe we need to walk away from this. I think the words ‘I love you’ should easily being falling from my mouth after your confession, but they aren't. It’s funny because the words fell from my lips last night when I hung up with you. But that was different. That was me letting it out, saying goodbye, because that’s what your actions this past month and a half have told me you wanted.”

A bitter laugh escapes my mouth and I shake my head before continuing, “I am going to be honest here. When you told me to come to your place and even when you brought me into your office here, I really thought the day would end with us having sex. Part of me really wants that, but not the part that holds my heart. I don't know. Maybe I just need some time. Does that make sense? You haven’t done much to prove you want to stick it out with me. Yes, you gave up your job, but then you walked away. What am I supposed to take away from that?"

My eyes hesitantly glance at Henrik to see him staring at something on the far wall. His knuckles are white from his hard grip on the glass and I can tell his body is tense. No one speaks for a minute and the air fills with only the sounds of our breaths.

Finally, Henrik stands and without looking at me, he walks over and curls his arms around me. The hug is tight and his body shudders as he takes a ragged breath. This is how we stay for some time. He finally releases me and pulls away, taking my hand in his as he leads me out of the room.