By Fate I Conquer (Sins of the Fathers #4)(84)

I sagged against him as the most violent waves of my release had passed and basked in the gentler prickling between my thighs. I’d known passion could manifest loudly, had on my occasional wanderings through the mansion overheard my parents or other family members having sex, but experiencing the sensation was something utterly intoxicating.

I still longed for more. Maybe I still felt like this might end any second, it still felt too surreal to be true. I wanted to feel more, experience more. I wanted to experience everything with Amo, was terrified that it might not happen because someone would discover our secret and rip us apart forever.

“Amo.” I kissed his neck, then cheek as he carried me toward the house. My grip on his shoulders tightened further and my belly coiled with anxiety. “I want you to make me yours. I want to sleep with you.”

My pulse raced in my veins, and I felt a little nauseous with nerves. I knew I wasn’t ready for this step yet, but I’d rather do this now, before I was ready, than not at all. I wanted this with Amo. Only Amo.

Amo’s body became very tight, his fingers digging into my waist as he froze on the porch. Apart from that he didn’t react in any way. Finally, he pulled away and I leaned back too so I could see his face as I clung to his waist.

“Are you scared this is our last encounter?”

I was scared. Our life was based on so many frail lies, it was only a matter of time when they would come crashing down on us. What if we never got to say goodbye? Or would we figure out a way to reunite, no matter the cost?

“I don’t know.”

Amo swallowed, his finger brushing over my cheekbone as he carried me into the living room and sank down on the sofa with me on his lap. “We’ll see each other again, I swear, and we’ll enjoy each other every time, but I swore myself one thing, I won’t sleep with you.”

“Why?” I knew he wanted it. I knew he was holding back.

“Because you deserve to have your virginity taken on your wedding night and not like this.”

“That’s an old-fashioned, archaic view.”

“And I’m an archaic man when it comes to you.”

“But then you’ll never take my virginity.”

He cupped my cheeks, staring deeply into my eyes. “Eventually this boundary will fall too, as all my good intentions have toppled over, but let me try to be honorable with you for as long as I can.”

“Maybe I don’t want you to be honorable. It’s my choice.”

“You deserve so much better. You deserve to be worshipped like a queen.”

“Don’t you worship me?”

“You are a queen in my eyes. My shadow queen.”

“I’m gladly your shadow queen. I don’t need the light.”

“But you deserve it.”

“Make love to me.”

Silence settled around us. To make love you had to love. We’d never admitted our love for each other. Maybe because it would have been like salt in an open wound.

“Greta, I swore I’d not do this. I already went too far, farther than I promised myself.”

“Amo.”

“You deserve to give this to your husband.”

“You want me to be with someone else.”

“No,” he growled, fierceness twisting his face. “You are mine, only mine.”

“And are you mine?”

Amo touched his forehead to mine. “Every part of me that matters, my soul, my heart, my love, is yours. It’ll always be yours.”

“That’s enough for me. Make love to me Amo.”

I saw the conflict in his eyes but also desire and longing. He wanted this, we’d both wanted this for so long.

“Not yet,” he murmured but his voice was becoming less convincing.

I smiled against his mouth. “Okay.” Deep down I knew it wouldn’t have been the right time, not yet, but eventually it would come.

We kept kissing and I didn’t want this moment to end. I wished we could conserve it, until our next encounter.

When Amo left the next day, our goodbye hurt even worse than the previous time. Maybe because no end was in sight. After a deep breath, I got to work in the stables. Life had to go on. I tried to focus on the good: my animals, my family, ballet, and not on the part that was missing: Amo.




Over the next few months Amo managed to visit my sanctuary every three weeks. It wasn’t enough. It was better than nothing. It was safer than to meet more frequently and to risk someone getting suspicious. It was… hard.

Lying became second nature. My anxiety when I looked at my brother or father or mother and lied without hesitation never ceased, and I took it as a good sign. I didn’t want deceit to leave me cold. I wanted to feel anxious when I betrayed the ones I loved. I didn’t want this to become normal, even if it was part of my life for now and the unforeseeable future.

This meeting felt even more potent, because it was early December and possibly our last meeting this year.

“I’ll try to come here between Christmas and the New Year. I wish I could spend Christmas with you,” Amo murmured against my temple as we lay in bed after a delicious make-out session that had my core still throbbing from the aftermath of two orgasms. I could never get enough of Amo’s lips and tongue between my legs. Amo’s resolve was still strong and we hadn’t taken the next step. We enjoyed each other without sex, but I longed for an even deeper connection. I wasn’t sure if sex would provide it.