Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy(30)
Nodded mutely, then managed, ‘I’ll just go to the loo.’
He looked at me strangely and sat back down on the bed.
When I reappeared he was still sitting on the bed. He got up and shut the door again and started kissing my neck again while sliding his hand back up my dress.
‘Shall we go to my place?’ he said.
I nodded mutely, just managing to get out, ‘But . . .’
DO NOT CONFUSE HIM
‘Look, if you don’t want to do this . . .’
‘No, no, I do, I do. But . . .’
YOU DECIDE WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE SEX, NOT HIM. DECIDE AND BE CLEAR ABOUT IT
‘You did say you had a babysitter overnight.’
DON’T CREATE PRESSURE
‘It’s just I haven’t slept with anyone for four and a half years.’
‘FOUR AND A HALF YEARS?? Jesus. No pressure.’
‘I know. It’s just, I’ve finally met someone I like.’
‘What??’
DON’T EXPRESS YOUR VULNERABILITIES. WAIT TILL THEY KNOW YOU WELL ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND
‘I mean, I’ve met you but I hardly know you, and what if you don’t like it when I’ve got no clothes on? And maybe I won’t be able to remember what to do, and I’m a widow, and I might think I’m being unfaithful and start crying and then have to wait for the phone to ring and you might not call!’
‘What about me? I’ve met someone I like too.’
ALWAYS BE CLASSY, NEVER BE CRAZY
‘Who?’ I said indignantly. ‘You’ve met someone else in the last two weeks? Who is she? How could you?’
‘I meant you. Look. Think of it from the guy’s point of view. Does she want me to call? Does she want to sleep with me?’
‘I know, I know, I do . . .’
‘Good, so . . .’ He started kissing me again. He was trying to pull me back on the bed now, with me sitting rather awkwardly on his thigh.
DON’T MAKE HIM FEEL CAGED
‘But,’ I burst out again, ‘if we have sex will you promise you’ll call me and see me again, or maybe we could actually arrange the next date now?! So we don’t have to worry about it!’
‘Look.’ For a second, I swear he couldn’t remember my name again. ‘You’re a great girl. I just don’t think you’re ready for this. I don’t want to feel responsible for upsetting anyone. Let me put you in a cab for tonight and, yes. I’ll call you.’
‘OK,’ I said miserably, then followed him, nodding mutely as he said his goodbyes. He put me in a taxi. I turned to wave and saw him going back off towards the party.
CREATE BEAUTIFUL MEMORIES
Caught a glimpse of myself in the taxi mirror. My hair was all messed up, I had the same Alice Cooper eyes with smudged mascara and deranged expression I had left him with in the Stronghold.
11.20 p.m. Have just ended up creeping back into the house, so Chloe wouldn’t find out the date was a disaster.
Sunday 30 September 2012
133lb, minutes slept 0, pounds lost through stress and misery 2, pounds lost in parking/towaway fines 245.
5 a.m. Have been awake all night. Am horrible failure, revolting, old and crap with men.
8 a.m. Just attempted to creep out to get the car before it was towed away, only to be caught by Mabel, Billy and Chloe coming up from the kitchen to go to the park.
‘Mummy,’ said Billy, ‘I thought you’d gone away for the night.’
‘Didn’t go so well, then?’ said Chloe sympathetically, looking fresh-faced and perfect.
The car had been towed away and had to go to a hideous trough between the A40 and the main train line to Cornwall to pay more than Chloe’s wages for a week to get it back. Am so sad, the one time I found someone I liked, I completely messed it up. I’ll never find anyone again. I’m not only man-repellent, I’m incompetent. But maybe he’ll text. Or call.
Friday 5 October 2012
134lb, calls from Leatherjacketman 0, texts from Leatherjacketman 0.
9.15 a.m. He hasn’t.
Monday 8 October 2012
130lb (wasting away, look old), calls from Leatherjacketman 0, texts from Leatherjacketman 0.
7 a.m. He still hasn’t. Must throw self into work and get on with screenplay.
Tuesday 9 October 2012
Texts to Leatherjacketman 1, texts from Leatherjacketman 0, number of words of screenplay written 0, Dating Rules broken 2.
He still hasn’t.
IF HE PULLS AWAY, DON’T FIGHT IT. STEER INTO THE SKID
11 p.m. Maybe I will text Leatherjacketman.
BE AUTHENTIC
2.30 a.m. Me: <Hey. Thanks for the great party last Saturday. I had such a good time!>
Wednesday 10 October 2012
Texts from Leatherjacketman 0.
No reply.
Friday 19 October 2012
Texts from Leatherjacketman 1, encouraging-in-any-way texts from Leatherjacketman 0, words of screenplay written 0.
10 a.m. Leatherjacketman: <Hey, no worries. We’ve all been there.>
Saturday 27 October 2012
No communication from Leatherjacketman.
Sunday 28 October 2012
DO NOT TEXT AT ODD TIMES OF DAY OR NIGHT IN MANNER OF STALKER
5.30 a.m. Maybe will text Leatherjacketman!
<How are you?>
One soul reaching out to another, I thought, amid the smouldering remains of the silly old mess we’d accidentally created, like silly billies in the midst of a deep unbreakable connection: Leonardo da Vinci’s Adam reaching out, in that painting, for God’s fingertips.