Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy(12)

*Chew more than ten pieces of Nicorette per day.

*Hide empty wine bottles from Chloe.

*Eat grated cheese straight out of the fridge, dropping it all over the floor.

*Be shouty or snarly with the children but talk in calm, even, electronic-person-on-voicemail-type voice at all times.

*Drink more than one can (each) of Red Bull and Diet Coke a day.

*Drink more than two non-decaf cappuccinos a day. Or three.

*Eat more than three Big Macs or Starbucks ham-and-cheese paninis per week.

*Keep saying, ‘One . . . two . . .’ in warning voice to children before have decided what to do when get to ‘three’.

*Lie in bed in the morning thinking morbid or erotic thoughts, but get straight up at six o’clock and do self up for school run in manner of Stella McCartney, Claudia Schiffer or similar.

*Wang around hysterically when things go wrong but instead achieve acceptance and calm – and stand like a great tree in the midst of it all.

But how can I accept what happened?. . . Look, I mustn’t . . . Gaah! Is time for doctor’s appointment and have not got snack ready, written, meditated or located whereabouts of EFFING CAR KEYS! FUCK!





SOCIAL MEDIA VIRGIN


Saturday 21 April 2012

172lb, minutes spent on exercise bike 0, minutes spent cleaning out cupboard 0, minutes spent working out how to use remotes 0, resolutions kept 0.

9.15 p.m. Children are asleep and house is all dark and quiet. Oh God, I’M SO LONELY. Everyone else in London is out laughing uproariously with their friends in restaurants and then having sex.

9.25 p.m. Look. Is absolutely fine being in on own on Saturday nights. Will simply clear out cupboard under stairs then get on exercise bike.

9.30 p.m. Just looked in cupboard. Maybe not.

9.32 p.m. Just looked in fridge. Maybe will have glass of wine and bag of grated cheese.

9.35 p.m. That’s better. Am going to get on Twitter! With the advent of social media is no need for anyone to feel isolated and alone ever again.

9.45 p.m. Have got onto Twitter site but do not understand. Is just incomprehensible streams of gibberish half-conversations with @this and @that. How is anybody supposed to know what is going on?

Sunday 22 April 2012

9.15 p.m. OK. Have got self set up on Twitter now. Need to find name. Something young-sounding: TotesAmazogBridget?

9.46 p.m. Maybe not.

10.15 p.m. JoneseyBJ!

10.16 p.m. But why does it call it @JoneseyBJ? @? At? At what?

Monday 23 April 2012

176lb (oh God), Twitter followers 0.

9.15 p.m. Cannot figure out how to put up photo. Is just empty egg-shaped graphic. Is fine! Can be photo of self before was conceived.

9.45 p.m. Right. Will wait for followers.

9.47 p.m. No followers.

9.50 p.m. Actually will not wait for followers. A watched pot never boils.

10 p.m. Wonder if I’ve got any followers yet.

10.02 p.m. No followers.

10.12 p.m. Still no followers. Humph. Whole point of Twitter is you are supposed to talk to people but there isn’t anyone to talk to.

10.15 p.m. Followers 0. Feel lurching sense of shame and fear: maybe they are all Twittering to each other, and ignoring me because I’m unpopular.

10.16 p.m. Maybe even Twittering to each other about how unpopular I am, behind my back.

10.30 p.m. Great. Not only am I isolated and alone but also, now clearly, unpopular.

Tuesday 24 April 2012

175lb, calories 4827, number of minutes spent fiddling furiously with technological devices 127, number of technological devices managed to get to do anything they were supposed to 0, number of minutes spent doing anything nice apart from eating 4827 calories and fiddling with technological devices 0, number of Twitter followers 0.

7.06 a.m. Just remembered am on Twitter. Feel wildly puffed up! Part of huge social revolution and young. Last night I just didn’t give it enough time! Maybe thousands of followers will have appeared overnight! Millions! I will have gone viral. Cannot wait to see how many followers have come!!

7.10 a.m. Oh.

7.11 a.m. Still no followers.

Wednesday 25 April 2012

178lb, number of times checked for Twitter followers 87, Twitter followers 0, calories 4832 (bad but fault of non-existent Twitter followers).

9.15 p.m. Still no followers. Have eaten the following things:

* 2 chocolate croissants

* 7 Babybel cheeses (but one was half eaten)

* ? bag of grated mozzarella

* 2 Diet Cokes

* 1.5 leftover sausages from kids’ breakfast

* ? a McDonald’s cheeseburger from fridge

* 3 Tunnock’s Tea Cakes

* 1 bar Cadbury’s Dairy Milk (large)

Tuesday 1 May 2012

11.45 p.m. Have just been whitelisted by Twitter for checking my followers 150 times in one hour.

Wednesday 2 May 2012

174lb, Twitter followers 0.

9.15 p.m. Am not going to do Twitter any more or check followers any more. Maybe will go on Facebook.

9.20 p.m. Just called Jude to ask how to get on Facebook. ‘Be careful,’ she said. ‘It’s a good way of keeping in touch but you’ll end up looking at endless pictures of exes embracing their new girlfriends, then finding they’ve de-friended you.’

Humph. Not very likely to happen to me. Am going to try Facebook.

9.30 p.m. Maybe will wait a bit before attempting Facebook.