Blurred (Connections, #3.5)(30)

I started teaching that fall, but it didn’t help me forget Dahl. That Halloween I knew she must need me and I wasn’t there. I went out and got shitfaced and f*cked a girl that looked like her. That started me down a road I can’t even remember clearly. Work, eat, drink, f*ck. I never thought I’d see Dahlia again so I f*cked just about every tall blond I ran into. And New York was loaded with them. But I never stuck around . . . they weren’t replacements for her and I didn’t want to get that close.

I stopped trying to replace her over time because no matter how much I wanted it, there was no substitute for her. My love for Dahl never went away, but I met Kimberly shortly after Caleb told me he had seen Dahl with some guy in the Hills. Although I hated that she had moved on, for some reason it brought me closure and I stopped f*cking around. Kimberly and I started dating and after a few months, I felt like I’d found a happy medium. I didn’t screw around on her. I liked her enough. Yeah, maybe she looked a lot like Dahlia, but she didn’t act like her. She never called me on my shit and never put me in my place. We had a good sex life and a decent time together. She wasn’t needy and didn’t pressure me for more than I was willing to give.

I was committed to Kimberly until I was told I could go back, at which point I told her I had an emergency back home and I’d be in touch soon. She didn’t know anything about where home was . . . I was always vague. She knew I was from California and she knew me as Alex. I didn’t want to explain anything different. So I haven’t talked to her since I left. I am going to call her—I owe her that. I just haven’t figured out what I am going to say.

All along I wanted to believe Dahl’s commitment to this guy was like my commitment to Kimberly—committed until something else came around. I had thought I would not only be her first, but also her last. And now hearing she’s going to marry another guy has torn my heart apart.

Yeah, my life might suck now, but it also sucked before I returned to things here. I called Kimberly a few times while in Australia but she didn’t answer. I wanted to find closure with her. Thinking back, there are many things I would want to change but the first would be how I handled finding out Dahl was in love with someone else. I knew she was happy. Why couldn’t I just leave it alone?

Why did I think I should try to change that? Now I miss the friendship we shared. I could have just tried to regain that. But instead I wrecked it.

The ring tone of my cell jolts me out of my thoughts. Grabbing my phone, I see its Caleb.

“Where the f*ck have you been?”

“Nice way to answer the phone.” Caleb laughs.

“I called you over a week ago.” I settle back on the bed.

“Sorry, man. Haven’t had access to a phone.”

“I don’t want to know.” I chuckle.

“So what was so important?”

“Not so much important. Just odd.”

“Okay, what was so odd, then?”

“Strangest thing. Bass called me in her office and told me the data I had given her on the drive was useless. The team working with her thought it might have been pulled from a phonebook put on there to throw them off.”

“What did you tell them?” Caleb asked.

“What could I tell them? Just that I hadn’t dissected all the data before I wrote the story.”

“They’re f*cking incompetent. They have no idea how to see their way through what’s right in front of them. I’ll make a few calls and see if I can get a copy of the info. Did Jason see it?”

“I have no f*cking idea. He wasn’t in the room and his name never came up.”

“Look, man, I have to run, but I’ll see if I can find anything out and let you know.”

“Sure thing.” And with that we hang up.

Something about that phone call seems off. Caleb has never mentioned Jason working on the cartel case.

I glance at the time on my phone and decide to hop in the shower. It’s almost five and I haven’t left this room yet today.

While I’m washing my hair my mind shifts gears from Caleb to S’belle. I can’t stop thinking about how she looked at me the other night. She had such disgust in her eyes. Fuuuuck! I slam my hand against the glass and the door pops out of the track. What is it about that girl that constantly has me thinking about her? I turn the water off and stand there, letting water drip down my body. When I step out, all I know is that with all the bad ties between us, it’s better our conversation never went any further. Besides, I only f*ck up everything I touch.

I know I need to get out and clear my head. So I quickly get dressed and head over to Beck’s.

When I enter I see him on the phone arguing with someone. He hangs up and heads over my way. He slams a mug on the counter and I put my hand out. “How about a cup of coffee?”

He laughs. “Haven’t ever seen you turn down a beer.”

I ignore his comment. “Everything okay?”

He shakes his head. “Ruby’s f*cking ex is giving her a real hard time.”

“What do you mean? I thought he moved out.”

“He did, but he keeps showing up at the apartment, at work. I called the cops and they say there’s nothing they can do unless he poses a threat.”

“Has he done anything threatening?”

“No, but something about him tells me he’s off balance.”