Bloodleaf (Bloodleaf #1)(21)

I gave a halfhearted nod, my thoughts far away.

“Aurelia,” he said, sitting next to me, “stop thinking about it.”

“Emilie died because of me. I can’t stop thinking about it.”

He took my hands. “It wasn’t your fault, Aurelia. None of this was your fault.”

I looked intently at his hands on mine, then at his face. “After everything, you can’t really believe that.”

“Of course I do. I know you.”

He knew the version of me I wanted him to see, because I was too afraid that revealing my real self would change his opinion of me. There was a hard knot in my stomach. I’d never wanted to have this conversation with him, but my mind was punishing me with never-ending images of a girl in a green dress burning to death on a witch’s pyre. I was tired of maintaining the illusion of innocence, even for Kellan. “You think you do, but you don’t.”

“I know you better than anyone. You’re stubborn and . . . and maddening and amazing. You’re brave but reckless; you have no sense of self-preservation whatsoever.” He smiled at the ground. “You care about people. You hurt when others hurt, even if you try not to show it.”

He gave me a look of composed determination. “I wish you knew,” he began. Then he checked himself, faltering, and started again. “I wish you understood what you mean to me.” He placed a tentative hand on my cheek.

I wasn’t distracted. “You saw what I did at the castle. In Syric.”

“Aurelia, I don’t—?”

“Tell me what you saw,” I ordered.

He was shaking his head. “Simon was dying and you said some things and . . . what else do you want me to say?”

“I want you to look me in the eyes and explain to me how you can believe that I am innocent. You were there. You witnessed it firsthand.”

“You’d been through some extreme events, the pressure got to be too much, and . . . you’ve been conditioned your whole life to believe the lies told to you and about you—?”

“They aren’t lies!” I shouted, standing. “None of it has been a lie. You want the truth? I am exactly what they say I am.” I took several long breaths. “A witch.”

His face was blank, utterly unreadable. I waited for some sign that he understood, that he believed me, but none came.

“I see ghosts, Kellan. I see them everywhere. How do you think I knew what was going to happen to Simon? It was because a spirit showed it to me. These visions are not superstition. They are real and terrifying and I’ve lived with them every day of my pathetic life.” I gulped as guilt and shame snaked around my throat and tightened. “And yes, I did cast a spell to try to save Simon, and it wasn’t the first time. It was a mistake to do it in front of all those people who already loathed me, but you know what? I might be glad I did it. I hate what happened to Emilie, but I’m glad about what has happened to me. Because I don’t have to pretend anymore. I don’t have to wonder anymore what you’ll think of me when you finally realize the truth—?”

Kellan took me by each shoulder, stopping to hold me in his brash gaze for an instant before bending his head down to kiss me. He kissed me. And in spite of everything, I squeezed my eyes closed and fell into it. Kellan’s arms were around me and his lips were pressed hard against mine, and for a moment nothing else in the universe mattered.

Then the kiss broke, and he murmured against my cheek, “You are not a witch, Aurelia. You’re just a girl who’s had the weight of the world on her shoulders for too long. We are not in Renalt anymore. You can let those fears and superstitions go. You can let all of it go. Renalt, Achleva . . . everything. You and I, we can go wherever we like, be whomever we like. Just say the word, and I can make it happen.”

My heart thudded heavily. “You want me to run away?”

“Yes,” he said without hesitation. “Run away with me. We’ll put all of this behind us. Forever.”

I was struggling to comprehend. Just . . . leave? “What about my mother, my brother? Renalt?”

“With you gone, I’m sure everything will go back to normal for them. Conrad can go home, your mother can again secure the throne . . .”

“And the Tribunal can carry on killing thousands more innocents with impunity. Is that what you’re saying?”

“It’s just the way things have always been, Aurelia. All I care about is what happens to you.”

My fluttering heart became suddenly still. I was instantly and acutely aware of every point of contact between us: my hands on his chest. My cheek brushing his. His arms crossing my back. I began to pull away, untangling myself from him, until I had completely withdrawn and he stood agape, empty-handed and disarmed.

“Aurelia. Look at me.”

I wouldn’t look. I didn’t want him to see what was written on my face. It wasn’t just his hand-wave dismissal of my most intimate confession; it was his belief that things just were. That the Tribunal was a simple fact of life, like the tides or the changing of the seasons. That the continued murder of hundreds was an acceptable exchange for the safety of one. Me.

That was one idea I would never be able to accept. Never. If that was the cost for a life with Kellan, it was a price I could not pay. And with that realization, my secret hopes were whipped away like autumn leaves on a winter wind. I stepped farther back, deepening the physical divide between us to mirror the one I felt in my heart.