Bitter Sweet Heart (Lies, Hearts & Truths #2)(69)

The final credits start to roll.

“I’m going to bed, but you two are welcome to watch whatever you want.” She kisses me on the cheek. When she pulls back, her expression is questioning. “What’s the smell?”

I sniff my shirt. “Laundry detergent?”

She shakes her head. “It’s citrusy and festive? Like, cloves, maybe?”

“Dunno. Soap or something probably.” I force myself to maintain eye contact. I know exactly what the smell is. Clover’s body wash, shampoo, and hand soap are all the same brand.

She pats my shoulder. “Well, whatever it is, it smells nice. See you two in the morning.” She crosses over and kisses Lavender on the cheek, then heads down the hall.

I drop down on the other end of the couch from my sister.

“You’re arriving rather late.” She pops a piece of popcorn into her mouth and doesn’t miss this time.

“I had shit to take care of.”

She gives me the eye, sets her popcorn on the table, and leans across the couch until she’s only a couple inches away from me.

“What are you doing?”

She grabs my shirt and sniffs loudly. “You smell like . . . a woman.”

“I ran out of my body wash and had to use what was available.”

“Why didn’t you tell Mom that?” She sits back, eyeing me with suspicion.

“Why does it matter?”

She nods several times, slowly. “Answering a question with a question. I’ll let it go for now, but I think you’re hiding something. Or someone.”

“Whatever. Where’s River?”

“Probably sexting Josiah. He should tell Mom and Dad he’s gay already, and then Josiah could come here for New Year’s or something.”

“I don’t understand why he’s dragging his feet on this.”

“Probably because he doesn’t want to have an awkward conversation with either of them about safe anal.”

“Well, that’s legit.” I make a face. “I can’t even imagine what that conversation would look like with Dad. I feel like he’d be all concerned about Josiah with the Waters curse and all.” I point to my crotch unnecessarily.

Lavender spit-sprays her cooler and swipes the back of her hand across her mouth. “Oh my God. The conversations with Josiah are way TMI.”

“What do you mean?”

“Sometimes Josiah forgets River is my twin and there are things I don’t want to know about his sex life.” She gives me an arched eyebrow.

“Ah. Well, here’s to awkward conversations with best friends.” I clink my beer bottle against her cooler.

“You don’t have plans tomorrow, do you? I mean besides the ice time with Dad in the morning.” Lavender changes the subject.

“Nope, not that I’m aware of, why?”

“I’m supposed to hang out with the twins. Just girls. It’d be great if you spent some time with Kodiak and the rest of the guys.”

“I was planning to text him. Where is he anyway?”

“He had some thing with his mom. He wanted me to come with, but he needs time with his family, and I needed to hang out with Mom so she could ask me a million questions about how things are going. She was asking about you, FYI, and how I thought you were doing. I think she’s worried, so don’t be surprised if she corners you at some point and digs for information.”

I rub the back of my neck. “No one needs to worry about me.”

Lavender rolls her bottle between her palms. “That’s their job, Mav. And until this year, I’ve taken the front seat for all the worrying, but now that I’m handling college away from home, and I have a steady boyfriend, they get to shift their focus elsewhere, and you seem to be the target. I thought you’d like a heads-up.”

“Thanks. I appreciate it.” I sigh. “It must have been a pain in the ass, always having them watching over you like that.”

Lavender shrugs. “Sometimes it felt like I lived inside a bubble. I get it, though. I’m the only girl, and things were kind of messy when I was a kid. The overprotectiveness was their way of dealing with what happened at the carnival. The reality is, bad things happen to good people every day, and at the risk of sounding cliché, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. I’m me because of what I’ve been through, and I know every single person in this family holds their own bag of guilt over that night, including me.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Didn’t I?” Lavender tips the bottle back and swallows the last mouthful of her cooler. “The only reason I wanted to go in the funhouse was because everyone else was going.” Her teeth run over her bottom lip. “And Kodiak. Everything was always about him.” She rolls her eyes at herself. “It still is. And it always will be. I knew I should have stayed put and waited for someone to come get me, but I panicked. If I’d stayed where I was, that lunatic wouldn’t have taken me. Or if I’d stayed with Mom and Dad, Robbie wouldn’t have felt bad for rushing through the funhouse so he could keep reading. You and Kodiak wouldn’t feel bad for going on ahead. River wouldn’t feel bad for losing his grip on me.

“So many things might have been different. Our lives might have been different. But I can’t go back and change things. I can’t undo what’s already been done.” She sighs and extends her arm, hand palm-up on the couch cushion between us, most of the pale, crescent-shaped scars are barely visible. “I don’t know what your bag of guilt feels like, Mav. But I think sometimes it’s heavier than it should be.”