Bitter Sweet Heart (Lies, Hearts & Truths #2)(36)

“We?”

“Me and Kody. My best friend. He’s Lavender’s boyfriend now.” I set the finished crane on the table and pull another napkin free. I feel restless, like there’s an itch under my skin that I can’t get to. I want to get up and run—hit the ice and do skate suicides until my legs and lungs are burning. Until I puke. I do that sometimes, push my body so hard that I make myself throw up. Those nights I sleep almost peacefully.

“That sounds complicated. And you said your sister lives with you? What about Kody? Does he go to school here too?”

“Yeah.” I fold another crane, the piece of cake I ordered sitting untouched in front of me. “He and I play hockey together. He lives two doors down, with my cousin, but he’s obviously at our place a lot now too. He’s the reason I didn’t wait for my sister that night at the carnival.”

“I don’t understand. He didn’t want to wait?” Clover’s expression is pensive, like she’s trying to reconcile the story I wrote with what I’m telling her.

“No. He did. That’s why I didn’t.” I wish I could shut the hell up. There’s a reason I don’t talk about this. I don’t want everyone to know how fucking awful I really am. “Kody’s been in love with my sister since he could say her name. Even as kids, they had this untouchable bond. Lavender’s like that. She radiates goodness.”

“And you don’t think you do?”

I huff a laugh. “I’m not a good person.”

“From what I’ve witnessed, you’re pretty selfless.”

“I’m not, though.” I shake my head and lean forward, resting my chin on my fingers. “Sometimes I’m really fucking selfish.”

“How do you mean?”

I scrub a hand over my face as long-buried memories surface. “All I wanted to do was run through the funhouse one more time with Kody and then ride the roller coaster and get a funnel cake. But we spent what felt like a freaking hour—and was probably more like five minutes—convincing Lavender it would be fun if she came with us. I knew ninety percent of the reason she wanted to come was because Kody was going, and she idolized him.”

“And Kody is her boyfriend now?” I can see her trying to piece it all together.

“Yeah. They started dating this year.”

“Is that hard for you?”

“It was inevitable. Those two have been destined to be together their entire lives. Kody just needed to have his shit together first.” I poke the slice of cake with my fork. “Anyway, that night I was trying to be patient, but everything with Lavender was kind of an ordeal back then. She needed a lot of coaxing and coaching, even to do normal things. Anyway, she started to shiver, but she’d left her coat in the car on purpose. Our mom had made it for her, and it had this ruffle thing around the neck that made her itchy. Our mom was going to go back to the car to get it, but I didn’t want to wait, so I told Kody to give her his hoodie.”

“I’m guessing he did?”

“Yeah. I knew he would because he had a real soft spot for Lavender. Has, present tense, obviously. So finally we get to go into the funhouse, and River, Lavender’s twin, is holding her hand. Our older brother went on ahead of us, because he was in the middle of a book he wanted to finish and he didn’t give a shit about the funhouse. He wanted the funnel cake.” I swallow down bile as I remember what happened next. “Kody wanted to wait for Lavender and River. He even stopped me from running on ahead at one point. But I figured they’d be okay. I mean . . . I didn’t think she’d get lost or anything bad would happen to her. So I made him come with me instead of waiting for them.”

I feel like there’s a weight on my chest that won’t lift, but I keep talking, unable to stop now that I’ve started. “Robbie, my older brother, was already waiting for us when we came out, but when River and Lavender didn’t appear right behind us, I checked around at the entrance to see if maybe Lavender got scared and decided she didn’t want to go through, but she wasn’t there. And when I came back to the exit, River was there, but Lavender wasn’t.” My stomach churns as I remember the way he looked, his panic. “He was crying so hard he didn’t even make sense. And then when we realized she was missing . . . Kody went with my dad to look for her, but I was convinced she was going to come out of the funhouse. They even sent people in to look for her. Turned on all the lights and everything.” I press the heels of my palms against my eyes. “But when they found her. . . fuck. I’ll never forget it. Her hands were all bloody because she’d screamed into her skin.”

“Screamed into her skin?” Clover’s fingers flutter around her throat.

I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I overheard my mom and dad talking about it after. I guess the guy who took her told her if she screamed, she would never see her parents again. So she dug her nails into her palms until she broke the skin.”

“You told me about that before, when you helped me with my hands.”

“That’s right.” I nod. “She dug her nails in so hard, it broke the skin. It happened once in a while after that, when she was really upset or scared.”

Thankfully she grew out of that. And Mom kept her nails short to prevent it from happening after the first couple of times, but man, it sucked when she came to my room in tears, asking me to help fix it so Mom wouldn’t see and get upset.