Before You Knew My Name (68)

What will it take, Ruby wonders, to finally feel like she knows enough about me?

When she comes down to the river these days, she still takes the time to say my name out loud. Once or twice she even thinks she sees Tom approaching, that broad man with his broad smile, and she can’t quite tell if she’s relieved or disappointed when it never turns out to be him. The return of loneliness will do that to you. Get you all turned about. Make you forget what you know about men and desire.

What she forgets, down by the river, lost in her thoughts, is this: If someone really wants you, they will always find a way.





TWENTY-ONE

‘WE’VE GOT TO STOP BUMPING INTO EACH OTHER LIKE THIS.’

Ruby is down at the river, the place she has returned to, day after day this week, as May gives way to June. Sometimes people stop beside her, look out across the water like she does, some even smile and say hello, but for the most part, she has been left alone. The place of my murder is now a kind of chapel, a refuge for the loneliest woman in New York City. That’s what she considers herself to be these days, embarrassed at her self-pity, but comfortable with it, too. As if she has finally given herself permission to feel the hurt that propelled her to New York in the first place.

Last night, Ash asked if she would send him a photo. Something to keep me up, he said in his message, and she knew exactly what he meant by that. This felt more familiar than their recent How are you and Guess what I did today texts, but as she held her phone camera at this angle and that, she couldn’t shake the performance of it, the way it made her feel like an actor in her own life. Not tonight, she said eventually, and for the first time ever, before turning out the lights. As soon as the sun came up again, she took herself back down to the river, as far away from Ash as any place that ever existed.

It’s as close to me as she can get.

When Tom shows up in the park today, he places his hands next to hers on that metal rail, his voice so close to her ear that it makes her jump.

She turns to face him, steadies herself.

‘Tom—hi!’

Perhaps, in the mess of her life, Ruby is happy to see him again, after all.

‘I was hoping I might find you here,’ Tom confirms, with his broad, confident smile. ‘I’ve been thinking about you, Aussie.’

‘Oh.’

Ruby flushes at his directness, at the space he immediately takes up, standing so close to her, acting for all the world like he has been invited to do so.

‘Well, I don’t meet a beautiful Aussie woman every day, do I,’ he adds with a wink.

He is definitely flirting with her this time around, and Ruby is tempted to rally, but she finds herself unable to speak. It feels too light, in this place of heaviness, to flirt back. There is also Ash to consider. And Josh, the memory of his kiss and his betrayal still smarting.

Oh, go away! she says to these other men in her life, the ones who crowd her thoughts and don’t show up when she needs them. Their absence prompts her to say something—anything!—to this man who clearly likes her, a man now looking at her so intently. She is about to respond to his overture when a gull squawks above them, and a runner, breathing hard, thuds past on the pathway, almost brushing up against her.

‘Hey, watch it!’ Tom yells toward the man’s retreating back, putting his hand on Ruby’s arm to pull her close. ‘A whole park and that idiot has to run right up on us. Fuck you! Fuck! You!’

Swearing loudly at the runner, Tom’s fingers squeeze around Ruby’s forearm, turn white against her skin. It is only a brief pressure before he lets go, but the sensation lingers. Even as Tom runs that hand through his hair, shakes his head, Ruby can feel each finger coming down, the compression of her flesh. She watches as the runner moves further away, becomes less distinct, taking Tom’s sudden display of anger with him. Such a small moment, surely more imagined than real, given how finely attuned to danger she is these days. There is no reason for her heart to start thudding like this. She cannot let her paranoia ruin every moment, every encounter, she tries to tell herself. Not when Tom is only trying to look out for her.

Isn’t he?

Ruby tries to relax. People lose their temper every day. Tom was probably just trying to impress her, play the hero, based on what he said about being careful the other day. She has just forgotten what it is for a man to treat her nicely.

For his part, Tom does not seem to have noticed the shift in her demeanour after he touched her so forcefully, the way she leaned out from his closeness, rubbed her fingers at the spot where his had landed. Instead, the offending runner off in the distance now, Tom is smiling again, his face turned toward the sun.

‘Another beautiful day,’ he says, eyes closed. ‘Such a relief after all that rain.’

Rain coming down like a sheet. Her breath a ghost. Yellow reeds undulating on the water. Ruby physically shakes these intrusive memories away.

‘It certainly does change things,’ she says, turning her own face skyward, so they are standing the same way now, side by side, pulling the sun toward their skin.

After a time, Tom puts his hand on her back.

‘I’ll admit I was surprised to find you back in this part of the park, Ruby. After I told you what happened here.’

She could make a joke. She could tell Tom she came back to this particular spot because that’s where they first met. Finally play the game he seems to be wanting her to play. Ruby decides, instead, to tell him the truth.