Beautiful World, Where Are You(35)

He laughed, stroking the cloth of her nightdress with the back of his hand. No, I’m not going to say that, he said. I can tell you about it if you like, but I’d prefer to hear more what you think. I mean, obviously because it revolves around me I like hearing it, but I also just think it’s interesting. I’ve tried asking people about this stuff before and they never usually tell me anything.

Oh, she said. Were you using a line on me? I thought we were being very intimate.

His laughter had a note of awkwardness in it. We are, he replied. I have asked the question in the past but, as I said, I never usually get anywhere with it. And in fairness

I’ve only ever asked people I’m already with. I’ve never gone down the route of using it as a pick-up line.

It is a little unorthodox. But then I don’t think you’re really trying to pick me up.

Well, I could have waited until tomorrow to show you the raccoon video, he said.

She laughed then, and he smiled with the pleasure of making her laugh.

You know well why I’m here, he added.

No I don’t! she said. We’ve been in Rome four nights already and the mood hasn’t struck you at all?

We were only getting to know each other then.

What a gentleman.

He turned over again. I don’t know, he said. I went back and forth on it. Honestly you can be kind of intimidating in certain situations, I don’t know if you know that.

I’ve heard it from other people, but from you it surprises me, she said.

He shrugged and said nothing.

And I don’t intimidate you anymore? she said.

You still do, a small bit. But you know, when someone tells you all their favourite sexual fantasies, that takes the edge off the intimidation a bit. I mean, no offence, but you obviously really fancy me.

Coolly she replied: You told me you weren’t going to make fun of me if I told you those things. Feel free, but it doesn’t hurt me and I think it’s cheap.

He got up on his elbow and looked down at her. See? he said. See, that’s intimidating when you talk like that. I wasn’t actually making fun of you, by the way, and I’m sorry if you thought I was. But when you’re pissed off with me you get this attitude, like you’re so above me. It makes me feel like a little worm.

For a while she lay there and said nothing. Then, sadly, she said: Okay, I’m defensive, and I act superior, and I make you feel bad. And besides all that it’s obvious I have a crush on you anyway. So I suppose I’m very pathetic to you and not even pleasant to be around.

Yeah, exactly, he said. That’s exactly what I think about you. That must be why I spent the last four days following you all over the place like a fucking moron.

What did you come in here for? she asked. Just to tease me?

Fuck’s sake. I don’t know. I like talking to you. When we go to our separate beds, I find I think about you a bit. So I thought I would come in here and see if you were thinking about me as well. Okay?

What kind of things do you think about?

He probed his back teeth with his tongue, contemplating. It’s not that different from what you said, he told her. I imagine you really wanting it. Maybe I tease you a small bit at the start, and I can make you come a lot of times, that type of thing. In the fantasy itself there’s nothing that strange. The only weird thing is that when we’ve been staying

here, especially the last two nights, when I thought about you, I felt like you were thinking about me as well, in this room. Were you?

Yes, she said.

And it was like I could feel you near me. Actually, this morning I woke up and for a second I couldn’t remember if it was real or not – I mean I was confused whether I was alone in bed or you were there. Because it felt so real.

In a low voice she asked: How did you feel when you realised you were alone?

Honestly, in the split second? he said. Disappointed. Or, I don’t know, kind of lonely.

He paused for a moment and then asked: Can I touch you now, what do you think?

She said yes. He put his hand under her nightdress and stroked his fingers over her underwear. Her mouth opened and she let out a little breath. Gently, he put his index finger inside her, and she made a whimpering noise. His face was flushed. Ah, you’re so wet, he said. Her breath came high and quickly, her eyes still closed. He licked his upper lip and said: Let me take this off you. She sat up a little and he undressed her.

After that, he pulled his T-shirt off over his head and with her fingertips she touched his erection through his clothes. I want this so badly, she said. The tips of his ears were red.

Yeah? he said. Do you want it now? She asked if he had a condom, and he said yes, in his wallet. While she lay there on her back, he finished undressing and retrieved the wallet from his pocket. She watched him, while with her fingers she absently pinched the skin inside her elbow. Felix, she said. I haven’t done this in a while, is that okay?

They looked at one another uncertainly then – Alice perhaps uncertain of what he was thinking, Felix maybe uncertain of what the question signified. He had taken a little

blue square of foil from his wallet. What do you mean? he asked. She shrugged, looking uneasy, and went on pinching at her arm. He knocked her hand away and said: Stop that, you’ll hurt yourself. What’s the matter? It’s not your first time or something, is it?

That made her laugh, a little sheepishly, and he laughed too, perhaps relieved. No, she said. My life has just been weird for a while. Like about two years. But it was normal before. Smoothing his palm down over her thigh, he said sympathetically: Ah, that’s alright. Are you nervous? She nodded. He tore open the square of foil then and removed the condom from inside. Don’t worry, he said. I’ll look after you. He got on top of her then and kissed her neck. Afterwards, when they parted, Alice seemed to fall asleep instantly, without even moving her arms or legs, which were jumbled awkwardly in the bedclothes. Felix lay down on his side, watching her, and then turned over on his back and stared up at the ceiling.