Beautiful World, Where Are You(29)

She stood in front of him then, gazing humbly at the floorboards.

Simon, she said, can I ask a favour? You can say no, I won’t mind.

Sure.

Can I sleep in your bed with you?

He looked at her for a moment longer before he answered. Yeah, he said. No problem.

Are you sure everything’s alright?

Without raising her eyes she nodded. He filled her a glass of water from the tap and they went into his room together. It was a neat room with dark floorboards. In the centre was a double bed, the quilt thrown back, the bedside lamp switched on. Opposite the door was a window with the blind pulled down. Simon turned out the lamp and Eileen unbuttoned her dress, slipping it off over her shoulders, hanging it over the back of his desk chair. They got into bed. She drank some of the water from her glass and then lay down on her side. For a few minutes they were still and silent. She looked over at him but he was turned away from her, only the back of his head and his shoulder dimly visible. Will you hold me? she asked. For a moment he hesitated, as if to say something, but then he turned over and put his arm around her, murmuring: Here, of course. She nestled up close against him, her face against his neck, their bodies pressed together. He made a low noise in his throat like: Mm. Then he swallowed. Sorry, he said. Her mouth was at his neck. That’s okay, she said. It’s nice. He took a breath in then. Is it, he said.

You’re not drunk, are you? Her eyes were closed. No, she said. She put her hand inside his underwear. He shut his eyes and very quietly groaned. For a while she touched him like that, slowly, and she was looking up at him, at his closed eyelids, damp, his mouth a little open. Can we? she asked. He said yes. They took their underwear off. I’ll get a condom, he said. She told him she was on the pill, and he seemed to hesitate. Oh, he said. Like this, then? She nodded her head. They were lying on their sides, face to face.

Holding her by the hip he moved inside her. She drew a quick breath inward and he rubbed the hard fin of her hipbone under his hand. For a few seconds they were still. He pressed a little closer to her and with her eyes shut she whimpered. Hm, he said. Can I put you lying on your back, would that be okay? I think I could get a little bit deeper inside you that way, if you want that. Her eyes were closed. Yes, she said. He pulled out

of her then and she turned over onto her back. When he entered her again, she cried out, drawing her legs up around him. Bearing his weight on his arms, he closed his eyes.

After a minute she said: I love you. He let out his breath. In a low voice he answered: Ah, I haven’t— I love you too, very much. She was moving her hand over the back of his neck, taking deep hard breaths through her mouth. Eileen, he said, I’m sorry, but I think I might be kind of close already. I just, I haven’t— I don’t know, I’m sorry. Her face was hot, she was breathless, shaking her head. It’s okay, she said. Don’t worry, don’t say sorry. After he finished, they lay in each other’s arms for a while, breathing, her fingers moving through his hair. Slowly then he moved his hand down warm and heavy over her belly, down between her legs. Is this alright? he asked. Closing her eyes, she murmured: Yes. Moving his middle finger inside her he touched her clitoris with his thumb and she was whispering, yes, yes. After that they parted and she rolled over on her back, kicking the quilt down off her legs, catching her breath. He was lying on his side, his eyes half-closed, watching her. Alright? he asked. She let out a kind of trembling laugh. Yes, she said. Thank you. Languidly he smiled then, his gaze moving over her long slim body stretched out on the mattress. Any time, he replied.

In the morning his alarm rang at eight and woke them both, Simon sitting up on his elbow to turn it off, Eileen lying on her back, rubbing her eye with her fingers. Around the edges of the blind leaked a rectangle of white daylight. Do you have plans this morning? she asked. He put his phone back on the bedside table. I was going to go to the nine o’clock Mass, he said. But I can go later, it doesn’t make any difference. She lay with her eyes closed, looking happy, her hair disarranged on the pillow. Can I come with you? she said. He looked down at her for a moment, and then answered simply: Of course you can. They got out of bed together and he made coffee while she was in the

shower. She came out of the bathroom wrapped in a large white towel, and they kissed against the kitchen countertop. What if I think bad thoughts at Mass? she asked. He rubbed the back of her neck where her hair was damp. Like about last night? he said.

We didn’t do anything bad. She kissed the shoulder seam of his T-shirt. He made breakfast then while she got dressed. At a few minutes to nine they left the house and walked to the church together. Inside, it was cool and mostly empty, smelling of damp and incense. The priest read from Luke and gave a sermon about compassion. During communion, the choir sang ‘Here I Am, Lord’. Eileen let Simon out of the pew and watched him queue with the other members of the congregation, most of them elderly.

From the gallery behind them the choir was singing: I will make their darkness bright.

Eileen shifted in her seat to keep Simon in sight as he reached the altar and received communion. Turning away, he blessed himself. She sat with her hands in her lap. He looked up at the vast domed ceiling above them, and his lips were moving silently. With a searching expression she watched him. He came and took his seat beside her, laying his hand on hers, and his hand was heavy and very still. Then he knelt down beside her on the cushioned hassock attached to the pew. Bowing his head over his hands, he did not look grave or serious, only calm, and his lips were no longer moving. Lacing her fingers together in her lap, she watched him. The choir sang: I have heard you calling in the night. Simon blessed himself once more and sat up beside her again. She moved her hand toward him and calmly he took it in his and held it, smoothing his thumb slowly over the little ridges of her knuckles. They sat like that until the Mass was over. On the street outside they were smiling again, and their smiles were mysterious. It was a cool bright Sunday morning, the white facades of buildings reflected the sunlight, traffic was