Beautiful Little Fools(88)

So I hatched a plan. I heard Daisy running a bath down the hall and I decided I’d go to West Egg myself, scare Jay off, threaten him. He’d been threatening me all summer and now it was my turn.

I snuck into Tom’s study, stole his gun from the top drawer where I’d seen Daisy put it back weeks ago, and then I hopped into my car and raced over to West Egg, knowing only one thing for sure: I needed to get there before Daisy did.

I’d confront Jay, tell him to leave Daisy alone and to stop threatening me, too. I’d wave the gun around, show him that I really and truly meant business. I just wanted to scare him, just wanted him to know I was serious.

I didn’t plan to hurt him. I never really planned to hurt him.



* * *



OR MAYBE I did?

I’d been lying to everyone all summer, and it was almost hard to remember how it felt to tell the truth anymore. Even to myself.

I parked my car at Nick’s house—he didn’t appear to be home. I already had it in my head that I didn’t want anyone to see my car at Jay’s. And then I jogged down the path toward Jay’s property, but I didn’t go up the drive, didn’t ring the doorbell. Instead I walked around back and stood in the bushes behind the pool, branches tangling in my hair.

I could see Jay, inside his house, in his kitchen, walking around, finishing breakfast. And then the back door opened, and he walked out onto the veranda, stood at the edge and inhaled deeply, glancing at the great blue sky with a smile, as if he hadn’t a care in the world, as if he hadn’t just killed a woman the night before.

And God, I hated him so much in that moment, I suddenly understood that I was capable of anything.

Jay walked down the steps of the veranda, toward the pool. My heart pulsed in my chest, and I realized how crazy, how foolish this was. I should run away before Jay noticed me.

“Hello, Jordan,” he said. Too late. He stared at my face, not seeming to notice the gun in my hand. “I suppose Daisy’s talked to you?” His voice sounded calm, self-assured.

“Daisy’s not going anywhere with you,” I said. And then, that red-hot fire coursed through my veins, the same way it had in Atlanta when I’d ruined everything. And in Cannes when I’d been so mad at Tom I could barely see straight and I’d slapped him across the face. And in my bedroom in Louisville, when I’d swung my aluminum putter at Blocks Biloxi’s head.

“All I want is to love her,” Jay said. “To take care of her.”

“I want you to leave Daisy alone.” The fire burned up inside of me, and my words came out searing and angry.

He laughed. “I think you’re forgetting everything I know, Jordan. About you. And about Daisy.”

I stared at him, the gun so heavy in my hand now that my wrist began to ache. What did he know about Daisy? I shook my head.

“She didn’t tell you? She was driving last night,” he said. “She killed Myrtle.”

Daisy was driving? Daisy killed Myrtle?

“And that’s my secret now,” Jay went on. “Mine and Daisy’s.” He paused for a second, smiled another little smug smile. “It’ll keep her close to me forever.”

It’ll keep her close to me forever. Was Jay blackmailing her to run away with him, the same way he’d tried to blackmail me all summer? “No,” I said. “I won’t let you.”

“Oh, Jordan.” My name swelled with such arrogance in his mouth now. The heat in my veins turned to rage. “I’m the one with all the power here, not you.”

And that’s what it was, the thing that burned up inside of me most of all. That he believed I had no power. That everyone believed I had no power.

I had a lot of goddamned power right now.

I stepped out of the bushes, raised my arm up higher, pointed the gun straight at his chest. His face twisted, as he finally noticed what was in my hand. “What are you doing, Jordan? Put the gun down.” He spoke softly, slowly, the way he might speak to a child. He smiled with an easy sort of confidence, certain that I’d never pull the trigger.

I suddenly felt calm, the way I did standing on the green, judging the distance to the hole. I closed one eye, judged the distance now, aimed, squeezed. The bullet was faster, louder, hotter than any golf ball. Its noise startled and deafened me, and I screamed.

Water suddenly splashed up from the pool as Jay fell back. And then the water calmed into beautiful ripples. It was only when the water began to turn red that I truly understood what I had done.



* * *



WHAT HAD I done?

What had I done?

I could barely see the trees in front of me as I ran on the path toward Nick’s, because all I could see was Jay’s blood oozing into the pool.

I have all the power, he’d said, his voice curling.

I know your secret, Jordan.

I know Daisy’s secret, Jordan.

I’ll tell everyone, Jordan.

No, no, no. I was the one with the power. I had the power.

But then why was my entire body shaking? Why was it so hard to breathe? I stopped running halfway down the path to vomit, and I hung my head between my knees, gasping for breath.

I had to get out of here, had to keep moving. Except then I realized I still had the gun. I held it in my hands, my fingers numb with the weight of it.

When I finally caught my breath, I turned around, back toward the woods on the other side of Jay’s house. I’d bury the gun somewhere there, deep in the woods where no one could ever find it.