Beard Necessities (Winston Brothers, #7)(74)

“I find your lack of progress disappointing.”

I glanced at my brother. Cletus had materialized near my shoulder without me noticing his approach. Given the weighty matters on my mind, I wasn’t surprised he’d been able to sneak up on me.

Most of my siblings and their partners were moving about, socializing and clearing the floor of the music room such that there would be enough space for dancing. Scarlet was about to sing, and Drew sat next to her tuning a guitar. I hovered just inside the only exit, uncertain whether I was staying or going. Which just about summed up the last few days.

“Why don’t you do something productive instead of standing here, brooding?” Cletus grumped, crossing his arms.

Before I could address Cletus’s question, from my other side Jenn said, “There’s a fine line between giving a person space and keeping your distance, Cletus. I’m sure Billy is doing what he thinks is right.”

Now I glanced at Jenn. I hadn’t heard her approach either.

“You hanging in there, Billy?” She smiled at me, her eyes a startling shade of purple in her recently tanned face.

I debated how to answer her question as there was no saying I’m fine to Jennifer. The woman was too observant, and we’d become too close over the last few years for politeness.

Was I hanging in there? Well, as always, I wanted too much. I wanted Scarlet to forgive me; I wanted to forgive myself for my shitty, selfish choices; I wanted her to trust me; I wanted to hold her and kiss her, make love to her, talk to her, hear her sing, have her teach me how to dance.

But first, I needed to tell Scarlet about Razor, what I’d done to him, and I didn’t have any good justification for my avoidance of the topic other than more shitty, selfish choices. I was frustrated by our past always holding more importance than our future, but that wasn’t a good reason. Likewise, remembering it—the moment, the violence—was difficult, and I wasn’t sure what to do about the FBI investigation, and I didn’t wish to discuss it, but that wasn’t a good reason either.

I’d been raised by a violent man. I’d been the recipient of extreme violence many times. I’d committed acts of violence against others. I didn’t regret those acts. Each time I’d done what needed doing, and yet I didn’t particularly relish the thought of exposing her to that side of me, who I’d become.

But I would tell her. I had to. The only question was when.

“Oh, he’s fine,” Cletus answered for me before I could arrange my thoughts. “Just dandy. I mean, why wouldn’t he be? He’s over here, and Scarlet is over there, and nary the twixt shall twain, or whatever that saying is.”

“Nary the twain shall meet. The saying is, Nary the twain shall meet,” Jennifer said, placing a hand on my shoulder and giving me a gentle pat. “When does Claire go to Rome?”

“Right after Venice,” Cletus grumbled. “Though she mentioned something about maybe flying back to Nashville for that music festival first. Either way, we’re running out of time.”

I worked to breathe past the ache in my chest, schooling my expression. A new distance loomed on the horizon. Literal distance. If I didn’t do something soon to make things right and establish a clear path forward, despite all the desire in the world, she was sand slipping through my fingers. Again.

“What I’d like to know is what the hell happened?” Cletus made a grunting sound. “Everything was progressing according to plan—ahead of schedule, I might add, and you know how I like efficiency—and then nothing. Three days of y’all being polite. Where’s the PDA?”

“PDA?” I asked.

“Public displays of affection. After eighteen years of pent-up energies, I woulda thought we’d be finding y’all in closets and behind doors. Now, I’m not suggesting you put on a show. In fact, please don’t. Nevertheless, the way things were looking, Ashley had suggested we might need to bang pots before entering a room.”

As usual, Cletus’s attempt at subtlety lacked subtlety. He didn’t need to tell me how much I’d messed up or what I stood to lose. Just the thought of her leaving, not seeing her for days or longer after having her so close for weeks made me want to destroy something. I missed our chopping block at home. Now would’ve been a great time to split some wood.

“I know you’re giving Claire time, and I understand you wanting to be respectful, but have you thought about making a grand gesture?” Jenn asked. “When Cletus apologized to me for acting a fool, he brought me twenty-two birthday presents, one for each of my birthdays. I’m not saying you need to buy her something, not at all. It was about the thoughtfulness, that’s what made the difference.”

I tilted my head back and forth in a slight motion. I’d considered grand gestures. I’d spent the last three days wracking my brain, attempting to determine what I could say or do to express the enormity of my regret.

Except, I suspected Scarlet didn’t want me feeling regret any more than I wanted her feeling obligated.

“What you need to do is get her alone again.” Cletus placed an elbow on my shoulder even though I was three inches taller than him. “Once you’re alone, seize her.” He made a fist with his hand.

“She’s not a fort, honey.” Jenn sent her husband an affectionate look, like she thought he was cute.