Baking Me Crazy (Donner Bakery, #1)(51)

I cursed my stupid pride. My stubbornness. Because there was this tiny spark, this sliver of light that made me want to throw my arms around his neck and kiss him again, but I couldn't. I couldn't.

He didn't mean it.

He couldn't mean it.

That he'd been in front of me this entire time, and never said a word, never hinted, I just couldn't force my head to move past that. Not with him sitting in front me saying everything that I should want to hear, but everything that terrified me the most.

"I—" I started but stopped again, shaking my head. "I can't do this right now."

Levi didn't move for a few seconds, searching my face with those bright golden eyes. Then he nodded slowly.

"Of all the times I imagined this date," he said sadly, "I never imagined it would end with you crying before I could even take you out to dinner. I should've done this better. Handled it better."

He stood fast, and I exhaled a rough breath, a hand coming up to my chest. Yup, my heart was still there.

"Call me when you're ready to talk, okay?" he asked.

I nodded.

Then he leaned down and pressed a quick kiss to the top of my head, which had me tightening the hand on my chest. Before he left, he opened the slider for Nero, who bounded over to me and burrowed his head on my lap.

I risked a glance at Levi, and on his face was a sad little smile.

"I told you that you look beautiful, right?" he said.

Another tear slid down my cheek unchecked, and I nodded. He was turning to go when I found my voice again, just enough to give him something. Something other than my fears.

"I promise I'll call soon," I told him.

He paused with his hand on the door, and I saw his shoulders relax.

When the door closed behind him, I wrapped my arms around my dog's neck, unleashed my sobs, and soaked his fur down to the skin because nobody was there to see it.





Chapter 18





Jocelyn





"Joss, honey, how long has it been since you've done … well … anything to your hair?"

The frosting spatula didn't so much as waver while I spread lemon buttercream over the four-layer raspberry cake as I turned it on the lazy Susan.

"Are you trying to tell me something, Joy?"

She cleared her throat, and I kept my eyes straight ahead.

Oh, I'd been a real peach the past four days. When I did talk, it came out like a snarl. Because if I tried to sound pleasant, or like I was okay, I'd probably lose my shit.

"No, no," she hurried to say, "just curious. If it's a new trend, I always like to know. Maybe … maybe unkempt is the new thing, you know? If anyone can pull it off, it's you. You look really wild. Kinda like you were raised by wolves or …"

Now I lifted my eyes to her. Her skin was pale.

"Wolves?"

Joy's face fell. "N-no! I just …" She licked her lips, darting her eyes around the kitchen like someone might rescue her. Mikey held his hands up and ran back out to the register. One of the other part-timers watched us like we were the Real Housewives of Green Valley. I almost offered to make her popcorn. "I just want to make sure you're okay," Joy finished softly.

Carefully, I set the spatula down and took a deep breath. Four days was the longest I'd ever gone without talking to Levi in five years. Even when he was in the middle of midterms or finals or anything, we texted every single day and saw each other at least four days a week.

For five years.

And now I'd thrown myself, quite voluntarily, into the middle of Levi detox. Withdrawals were not fun. Symptoms ranged from snappish answers, scrolling through text history searching for clues that I'd missed, eating massive amounts of ice cream and then hating myself, to pulling up his contact info, only to set my phone down again.

And baking. Lots and lots of baking. The freezer at home was full of banana bread and zucchini bread and about seventeen kinds of cookies.

Looking in the mirror was even less fun than all those things. "Hot mess" did not even begin to cover the way I looked. I hadn't been sleeping well as my appetite pretty firmly trained onto the sugar part of the food pyramid. Thank goodness my mom was in the midst of a busy week at the hospital because it meant I didn't have to lie to her about what my frickin' problem was.

Heaven forbid we have the kind of relationship where I could confide in her.

The woman I did have that relationship with was the mother of the man who kissed the hell out of me. The thought of facing her, of facing his entire family, was daunting for the first time ever. I'd never had to worry about what they thought of me because their acceptance was so instant, so genuine. Did they know? Had he confided in them all these years? It was a toss-up whether I wanted that to be the case or not.

Worrying about it, whether they knew about his feelings, would only serve to drive me insane. If Mrs. B knew, it would only take one look, and I'd have my answer.

"I'm fine, Joy," I told her, giving the cake my full attention again. The pale yellow buttercream smelled bright and tangy, and it made my mouth water as I spread the crumb coat.

Jennifer walked through the back door, giving us a sunny smile. "How's it going, ladies?"

Joy gave her a quick shake of the head, then jerked her chin in my direction.