Bad Rep (Bad Rep, #1)(111)

“Maysie.  You can't mean that,” he choked out.  He looked stricken and part of me hated what I was saying.  No, I didn't mean it.  Well, not entirely.  But there was a part of me that was seriously angry and bitter and I was taking all of it...every single bad thing, out on him.  It was wrong.  It was hateful and cruel.  But I was feeling hateful and cruel.  I just wanted to stop feeling so shitty all the time.  At whatever the cost.

I looked away, my shoulders sagging.  Jordan's fingers curled around my chin as he pulled my face back towards his.  His other hand came up to roughly clasp the back of my neck.  His fingers were hot against my skin and his breathing was ragged.  He wore only his jeans and his fantastic chest gleamed in the darkness.  He was so damn beautiful.

“Look at me!” he pleaded and I raised my eyes to meet his.  The deep blue of his irises were wet and I realized he was holding back tears.  “I'm so sorry you feel that you've had to deal with the fall out alone.  I made some shitty choices.  I should have handled things better.  I hate that you've borne the brunt of that.  It kills me.”  His hand tightened at the back of my neck and I was helpless in his grasp.

“I've gotten my fair share of grief too, you know.  The guys at the house won't lay off and that's why I rarely go there anymore,” he admitted and I blinked in surprise.

Though that's nothing like what I've had to deal with.  The hateful, bitter voice in my head taunted.  God I wished it would just shut up.  I tried to pull out of his hold but he moved his hands to capture my face.

“Maysie, please.  Don't let all of that other crap get in the way of you and me,” he begged, his thumbs caressing my cheeks.  I closed my eyes against the warring emotions doing battle inside me.

“But it already has, Jordan,” I said softly.  Jordan yanked me forward and pressed his forehead to mine.  His breath came quick and harsh against my lips and I couldn't look at him, so I kept my eyes closed.

“I love you, Maysie,” he said in a strangled whisper.  I squeezed my eyes tight.  No!  He could not be choosing this moment to tell me something so important!  What the hell?

“Maysie!  Look at me!  I love you!” His voice was gutted and I refused to open my eyes.  Then his mouth was on mine.  His lips were persistent and demanding, his tongue running along the seam of my mouth begging for entry.  But I wouldn't give it to him.

“Maysie!  You promised me you wouldn't run!” he pleaded again, his mouth crushing against me, trying desperately to illicit a response.  But I felt dead inside.  I was tired and sick of it all.  I loved Jordan.  I wished I could tell him that.  But right then, it just didn't matter.  I felt like I had to get control of my life back.  And I didn't think I could do that with him near me.

“I need you to leave,” I said against his mouth.  Jordan stilled, his fingers digging into the sides of my face almost painfully.

“No, I'm not going anywhere,” he said stubbornly.  I reached up and pulled his hands away from me.  I finally opened my eyes and coldly regarded him.

“I told you to leave.  I can't do this right now.  I'm a mess.  I need some space,” I bit out.

Jordan tried to grab a hold of me again but I was able to move away before he did so.  “I can't leave.  Why the f*ck are you doing this?” he asked in a tortured voice.  I shook my head.  My mind was made up. Sure, I'd probably wake up in the morning, regretting this decision.  But right now, it seemed to make perfect sense.

“Because, my life is in shambles and somehow it all seems to come back to you!  I just need a breather!” my voice rose and I saw Jordan flinch.  Then his eyes shuttered and his teeth clenched.  The desperate tenderness was replaced by something colder.  Harder.

He picked his shirt off the floor and yanked it over his head.  My heart caught in my throat as I watched him shove his feet into his shoes.  He grabbed his bike key off of the coffee table and walked to the door with angry steps.  Before opening it, he turned to face me one last time.

“I meant what I said, Mays.  I love you.  So damn much.  And you'll wake up in the morning and realize you threw away something f*cking perfect for NOTHING!” he yelled.  I winced as though his words were a physical blow.  He took a deep breath and calmed down.

“I thought you were worth everything.  That we were worth all the drama and bullshit.  I am willing to fight to the death for what we have.  But I can only do that if you're willing to fight with me.”  His eyes drilled into mine, lost and disappointed.  My stomach dropped to the floor.  He turned his back to me and opened the door.  “But obviously you can't do that.  Or won't.  And I'm a damn fool,” he said with a sad resignation that hurt worse than his anger.

I opened my mouth to say something.  Anything.  I had no idea what I could do to make this better.  Whether I wanted to make this better.  But I knew with absolute certainty that I was making the biggest mistake of my life. What the hell?  My decision had seemed so crystal clear five minutes ago.  What was wrong with me?  Riley was right, I was sabotaging everything.