Aurora's End (The Aurora Cycle #3)(58)

This means that once we trip the alarm, Fin and I have a lot of spare time on our hands. I mean, we could go up and help Zila gather more information from the computer systems in Pinkerton’s office. But it’s not like I’d be much help in that anyway, and it’s not like we need to. If we’re just dying and looping, dying and looping, we can keep doing this over and over until we do it perfectly. We have all the time in the world.

So, for the last few loops, Fin and I have stolen away inside an empty hab unit and have been … getting to know each other better. Because even though we seem to have an endless supply of time on our hands, I’m realizing I’ve wasted a lot of time I could have spent getting to know this boy already.

I’m flushed with the heat of him, my heart thump-thump-thumping against my ribs, and I hear him groan as my tongue flickers against his and I sigh into his mouth. Even though the air is filled with alert sirens and the creak of stressed metal, my sighs still seem awfully loud.

“How does this thing come off?”

Fin pulls back and blinks. “… What?”

“Your exosuit,” I whisper, tugging up his shirt and running my fingers over his taut belly. “How do I get it off?”

“You wanna …” He swallows. “You wanna take my exo off?”

“No,” I say, cruising toward his neck and nipping at his skin. “I wanna take your shirt off. The exo’s just a means to an end.”

“Scar …”

My teeth brush his throat and now I feel him shivering, my lips curling in a smile as I feel what I’m doing to him. “Kinda wish I’d paid more attention in mechaneering class now… .”

“Scarlett.”

“Yes, Finian?”

“Scarlett.”

I pull back at the note in his voice. I know Betraskan culture inside out, I know there’s no societal preclusion on what we’re doing in here, and I know he really wants to. But looking into those big pretty eyes, even behind the contacts, I can tell.

I can tell …

He’s afraid.

The structure shudders around us. Flaming vapor lights the black outside the porthole as a voice rings over the PA. “WARNING: RADIATION DETECTED ON DECK 13, ALL DECK 13 STAFF PROCEED FOR IMMEDIATE DECONTAMINATION PROCEDURES.”

“… Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay,” Fin lies, clearing his throat. “I’m good.”

I look him over again, reading expression, body language, the rate of his breath and the beat of his heart, chest pressed against mine. I’ve always been good at this kind of thing, even before I studied at the academy.

Ever since I was a kid, sometimes it was almost like I knew what people were thinking before they spoke. I’m not sure how I do it—I always figured it was just something I was born with. Some people are good at jetball. Other people can sing.

Me? I read most people like most people read books.

And looking at Fin closer, I know I’m right.

“You’re frightened.”

A flash of defensiveness comes over him. He gives a gruff laugh to cover it up. Bluff. Bravado. He’s such a boy, sometimes.

“No, I’m not,” he scoffs. “Why would I be frightened?”

“Fin …” I touch his cheek. “You don’t have to lie to me.”

He holds my stare for a moment, then breaks away, looking into the rolling dark outside. The station shudders around us, time grinding sideways, looping around and in on itself, over and over. The snake eating its own tail.

“REPEAT: RADIATION DETECTED ON DECK 13, ALL DECK 13 STAFF PROCEED FOR IMMEDIATE DECONTAMINATION PROCEDURES.”

I kiss his cheek. Run a hand through his tumble of pale hair.

“Fin, what is it?”

“… It’s stupid,” he murmurs.

“I’m sure it’s not. You can tell me.”

He meets my eyes again, a small dark crease between his brows. But I can feel the wall he’s trying to build between us now. The armor he’s dragging back over his skin. Shutting down. Closing off.

I touch his face. “Trust me,” I say, my voice as soft as a summer breeze.

He wrestles with it a moment longer.

“… I like you, Scar,” he finally says.

“I like you too,” I smile, running my fingertip along the bow of his lips.

“I mean … I really like you.” He looks down at my body, pressed against his in all the right ways. “And I want to, it’s just …”

I blink then, realization dawning on me. Of course, I tell myself. It should’ve been obvious. But I was so caught up in what we were doing, I wasn’t really thinking about what we were about to do. And …

“You haven’t done this before,” I say.

He presses his lips thin. I can see how hard this is for him. Being vulnerable like this. His whole life, Finian has fought to be treated as an equal, to prove that he’s not a victim of the plague that ravaged his body when he was a kid. To escape the stigma of this metal suit he has to wrap himself inside. And the thought of peeling himself out of it, leaving himself exposed …

“No,” he says.

“It’s okay, Fin,” I tell him. “That’s okay.”

“I’m not sure …” He shakes his head, jaw clenched. “I know you’ve had a lot of boyfriends. But without the exo, I don’t move that well. I mean, I can move, but it’s not graceful, and I don’t … I’m not sure how good I’d …” He sighs, frustrated with himself, with this, with all of it. “Ah chakk. I told you it was stup—”