Aurora(65)

“I didn’t scream, because it was too confusing. One minute he’d been there, I was kissing and touching and shoving him, and the next minute I was alone, the back windows wide open and the balmy summer air whipping around inside the car.

“I shouted to Thom what had happened, but I’m sure I didn’t make much sense, I probably just kept yelling ‘He’s gone!’ over and over, and when Thom finally looked into the back seat, he saw the situation for himself. But then I saw something that made me scream and I pointed, and Thom turned, eyes wide, and he saw it too.

“It was Kyle’s face, upside down, looking in at us through the windshield. He was on the roof of the car, and he was screaming like a maniac, but there was no question that he was perfectly fine and that he thought this was all perfectly hilarious. That crazy son of a bitch, that beautiful son of a bitch, had crawled out the open window, grabbed hold of the cross-country ski rack on the top of my dad’s car, and climbed out onto the roof while we were driving at fifty miles an hour.

“I never saw the deer, myself. I was looking at Kyle. But Thom saw it and locked up the brakes. It was, you know, one of those involuntary movements, the kind of reflex your body completes before your brain has a chance to weigh in on things.

“So Thom braked, the car skidded hard, and all at once Kyle was gone again. I can see the image of his face, upside down in the windshield, and then it just kind of . . . wiped away. There was a dark blur as his body flew off the roof and landed in front of the car, then a horrible, kind of muted thud as we hit him.

“And that was it. We killed him.

“Fuck. I’m sorry. I haven’t said all that out loud before. Ever, to anyone.

“Give me a second.

“OK. So. The rest. I’ve thought a lot about why I did what I did next, and Thom and I tried to talk about it a few times after it all happened. But then we stopped bringing it up, because there didn’t seem any point in it, and I guess I could never explain it anyway.

“Did I tell the cops I was the one driving because I wanted to save Thom? Because he was already eighteen and drunk, and it would have ruined his life forever? Maybe. Once you dip a toe in the criminal justice system, who knows what’ll happen? There’s no question it went better for me, at fifteen, than it would have for him, a legal adult who was legally drunk.

“Or did I say it was me because I felt guilty? Because if I hadn’t been fucking around in the back seat Kyle never would have had the idea to escape out the window, even as a joke?

“Or did I lie for my brother because our family mythology demanded it? Because Thom was a genius and was going places, and I was a pretty girl who would marry somebody and be fine, and nothing must be allowed to interfere with our destinies?

“I guess, if I had to answer all those questions right now, I would just say, ‘Yes.’

“You were right, Scott. My dad died of a broken heart. But you could say my mom did too, because what is cancer if not the body giving up, because it can’t take it anymore? Neither one of my parents ever got over what happened, because I think they both suspected the truth about who’d been driving—Thom has always been a terrible liar, still is—and they both just let it all happen anyway. They let a fifteen-year-old girl ruin her life so her brother could go design apps in Silicon Valley.

“I’ll say this for my parents, they got me an excellent lawyer. The judge gave me five years’ probation for reckless endangerment and driving without a license. I stuck around Aurora and tried to pick up the pieces. I escorted both of my parents out of this world over the next ten years and made a series of very dumb choices in men, culminating in your father, whom I think we can both agree is the dumbest choice anyone could possibly make.

“And my big brother moved away and made four billion dollars, which at some twisted level he probably thinks he owes me. And I admit, I’ve never gone out of my way to convince him otherwise.

“So, yeah, Scott. You’re right. Thom and I have a fucked-up relationship.”



That was what Aubrey had thought about saying. But she didn’t. She had never told a soul all that, and she never would.

Aubrey took care of everyone.





Part IV

Collapse





25.





Aurora

Four months later

The goats were back, and it was about time. Mrs. Chen had seen them wandering over on Stratton, and she and her boys herded them to Cayuga Lane, where they were sorely needed. The sod had all been turned months ago, the front yards replanted as community fields, but there was a ton of invasive, weedy growth all around the driveways and the edges of the sidewalks. It was coming out of cracks in the road, dripping from the trees, and anywhere else nature had possibly been able to get a toehold.

And then there was the garbage. Store-bought waste had dropped dramatically in the past four months, but food scraps were everywhere, as not everyone on the block was scrupulous about getting their refuse to the compost heap. The goats, about a dozen in all, had broken free of the barriers of a petting zoo about a mile away and had been on a leisurely circuit of the area since that time. No one, it seemed, was too interested in goat meat, and so the animals had come to serve a greater purpose, as agents of community cleanup. They were exceptionally good at their job.

The only problem was keeping them out of the Cayuga crops, which, by late August, were in full, ripe maturity. The neighbors all worked a rotating shift of harvesting schedules and so someone was usually there to keep the animals out of the produce, but the goats were quick and relentless. You couldn’t so much as glance away. Someone had to be on the job full-time. Norman Levy, though noticeably slower and frailer than four months ago, seemed to have found a new calling in life, which was goatherd.