At the Quiet Edge(56)

Have you seen me??? Everett asked, but his dad’s message arrived at the same time.

It’s brown leather.

What?

The notebook. It’s small. About 6 inches tall. Nice brown leather with some decoration. Do you think you’ve seen it around?

Everett tucked his hands into his lap. He stared at the messages, the balloons shaking and wavering past his tears. His dad was close by. He had to be if he wanted to pick something up. He was close enough to come see him.

And that was why he’d reached out. Not for Everett. Not at all. It was because he wanted something. And he needed Everett to get it for him.

LM?

No, Everett typed very slowly, I haven’t seen it.

Could you look for it for me? It’s probably in a box or in a closet or something?

Everett realized he was crying, crying quietly but hard, snot running from his nose and tears dripping down his cheeks. He wiped a sleeve across his face and tried to take a few deep breaths. He clenched his hands into fists to stop himself from lifting the tablet and smashing it against the floor, smashing it until he could break his dad’s words apart.

He wanted the notebook, and then he’d go away again. And maybe that would be better. Maybe he should disappear forever and never come back.

But how could Everett ever let him go?





CHAPTER 20


Lily glanced toward her son as he stared out the car window at the rain coming down in sheets. His temple rested on the glass, and his bent neck looked so pale in the gray light. He’d been subdued at dinner too, despite the rare treat of a twenty-minute drive for his favorite chili dogs and soft serve.

“Everett, are you sure everything is okay?” she finally asked.

“Yeah.”

“You’ve been quiet all day.” She reached over to squeeze his elbow. “Are you fighting with Josephine or something?”

“No.”

“All right.” She grimaced and tried again. “Did you get your homework done for tomorrow?”

“No, I’ll need the computer tonight.”

“No problem.”

“Thanks.” He turned to flash a wan smile, and Lily felt more sure about the sick feeling swelling in her gut. This was about Alex. She couldn’t forget the moment she’d looked up from her mild flirting and Everett’s face had been a grimace of horror.

But if it was about Alex, there was nothing she could say. She was an adult, and it wasn’t healthy for Everett to be part of her decisions about casual dating. Anything more she might say to Everett at this point would be painfully awkward for both of them.

They were almost to the gate when he finally spoke. “Did you love Dad?”

Tension snapped so quickly through her body that she accidentally jerked the car toward the shoulder before she could control her arms. “Sorry,” she muttered. “I’m sorry. What?”

“Did you love him?”

“Yes. I mean, of course I did. Before all of . . . Well, I wouldn’t have had you with him if I didn’t.”

“So you thought he was a good guy, but he wasn’t?”

Lily cleared her throat as she stopped at the gate. Thank God she had to take a moment to lean out and key in the code, so she had a few seconds to think. It didn’t help. She should have expected this at some point. She should have been ready. She wasn’t.

Lily eased the car through and into her parking place. When she cut the engine, the rain beat down, muffling the outside world until the space felt nearly claustrophobic. She turned toward Everett, thinking of Mendelson, and Alex, and wanting to say, I don’t want to talk about any of this, but that would be cruel. He had a right to know.

“Yes, I thought your dad was a good guy. I wouldn’t have married him otherwise, and I definitely wouldn’t have let him near you. He loved you. I know he did. But I don’t love him anymore.”

Everett stared down at his tightly clasped fingers, the tip of his nose going red. One tear dripped to his hands. “You think he loved me?”

“Oh, baby. Yes. Whatever else he was doing, he took the time to play with you whenever he got home. You were so excited every single time his car pulled into the driveway. And when you were sick, he’d pick you up and rock you for hours no matter how big you got.”

His face scrunched up in a frown. “I think maybe I remember that.”

Unbuckling, Lily leaned over to wrap him in her arms. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. What do you want to know?”

His head rocked against her when he shook it. “I don’t know.”

“I get that I’m not the most fun mom in the world. I can be too strict. But I love you more than anything. You can ask me whatever you want about your dad, and I’ll tell you.” Her eyes filled with tears at that, at what she’d kept from him, and what she’d have to be honest about now if he asked. She’d thought he was moving on without his father, but maybe he was in the exact same place he’d been at six, needing his daddy and heartbroken that he’d left.

“I’m sorry he had to leave, Ev. I’m sorry.”

He nodded. “He would have been in prison anyway.”

True, but he would have been reachable that whole time. Hell, he might have been bored enough to write to Everett every week.

“I’m sorry that—” She choked back a sob. “I’m sorry I didn’t know better. I would have . . .” But what could she say? That she wouldn’t have had him with Jones? If that were true, then Everett wouldn’t exist. “I love you so much.”