Ask Me Why(2)

“I know, and thanks. It’s just the same old shit. I don’t need to drop more weight in your lap.” I attempt a smile, but my lips aren’t cooperating.

Sadie’s frown deepens. “Do you need help at the store today? I can cover for you.”

I wave off her concern. “No, no. I’ll snap out of it. I just… didn’t sleep well.” And that’s putting it very lightly. These lingering effects of trauma are nasty. The flashbacks are fewer and further between. But when they hit? Total annihilation. Those moments leave me shattered.

“There’s more to it, Brae. I can see the pain on your face.”

I smooth my features, the urge to hide fierce. “The struggle has been rougher than usual lately. I had a bad episode, nightmare included. That’s all.”

“Want to talk about it?”

I shrug and look away.

She leans closer. “Was this one about the accident? Or him?”

My eyes burn. “You can say his name. Not sure it’ll get worse. I saw Devon, like last time.”

“It’s not your fault for living, Brae. He’d want you to be happy. It’s not a crime to carry on.” Sadie’s tone is meant to be soothing, but it chafes my skin like sandpaper.

I take a gulp of coffee to clear the grit from my throat. “Yes, I know. My therapist pounded that message into my brain loud and clear for two years.”

“So, why don’t you believe it?”

“Some days are far worse than others, okay? The loneliness gets to me. Then I think about him, and what we lost. A downward spiral shortly follows.”

“The anniversary is coming up, right?”

I chew on the inside of my cheek. “Next month.”

She reaches for my hand again. “Maybe you should schedule an emergency session with Doctor Thair.”

I curl my shoulders in tighter. “I can handle it on my own. This was just a bad episode. She’ll tell me everything I already know to do. I’ve got a pile of coping strategies.”

“You’re sure?” Her eyes are pleading with me.

I avert my focus to a crack in the ceiling. “Positive. Being at work helps keep my mind occupied. I’ll be good as new by tonight.” The lie rolls easily off my tongue. Sadie is my closest friend, but she doesn’t need to waste more breath on me. Lord knows I’ve taken enough from her.

Her grin is sad. “Okay, I’ll back off.”

“Thank you,” I murmur.

She taps her phone screen. “Are we ready to go? If you don’t want help, I should get my ass to the office.”

I quickly slurp down the rest of my drink and stand. “Anything interesting planned this week?” Hearing about her projects gives me something else to think about.

“We’re finalizing the layouts for a chic boutique downtown. It’ll be the place to shop once we’re done.” Sadie bumps her shoulder into mine as we step outside. The sun is already high and heating the air. It’s going to be another hot one.

“Can’t wait to see it. Will they sell swimsuits?”

“Only the skimpiest.” She wiggles her brows. “We can lounge by the lake without getting tan lines.”

I snort and roll my eyes. “Oh, that’s hilarious. Might as well go to France and visit a nude beach.”

She grabs my arm. “Do you want to?”

Her obvious excitement gives me pause.

“Uh, maybe?” I kick at some pebbles on the sidewalk.

“That’s better than an immediate no. We’re young and should act like it.”

“Speak for yourself. I feel ancient.”

Sadie shakes her head. “But you’re not.”

We stop in front of Thicket, my little shop, and share a quick embrace.

“Love you, friend. I appreciate you meeting me,” I whisper.

She pulls away and squeezes my upper arms. “I’m always here for you, Brae. No matter what.”

I nod slowly. “I owe you a trip to Europe just for that.”

She bounces on her toes. “Yes! Please, please? A vacation would do us both a lot of good.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“And I’ll call you later. Let me know if you need anything.”

I give her a light shove. “You’re gonna be late.”

She blows me a kiss and starts walking backward. “Love you, lady. You’ve got this shit.”

“I’m a strong, independent woman,” I recite.

“Exactly,” she calls and points at me.

I manage to laugh and turn toward the door, unlocking it quickly. After disabling the alarm, I flip the lights on and watch my pride come to life. I pour everything into this space. If it wasn’t for Thicket, I’d be a lost cause. Owning this store gives me a reason to wake up and keep moving.

Other than Sadie, I don’t have much pushing me along. My family is all out of state, too far away to be bothered. Not that I blame them. My parents have their own problems to deal with. They don’t need to take on more. And it’s better for me if they stay away. My siblings are busy finding adventure at every turn. I’m doing my best to accomplish a small semblance of that.

With a slow spin, I take a long look around. Collections of odds and ends cover any available surface. This piece of property is all mine. Well, my name is clearly printed on the lease. But that’s a minor detail. In my mind, this space is bought and paid for. Maybe it will be one day. A girl can dream.