Anxious People(57)
“That explains it,” Jack sighs.
“Explains what?”
“We’ve been thinking about this wrong all along.”
45
Witness Interview
Date: December 30
Name of witness: “Jules” and “Ro”
JACK: Because you’re witnesses to such a serious offense as this, I really must insist on being able to speak to you separately rather than both at the same time.
JULES: Why?
JACK: Because that’s just the way it is.
JULES: Sorry, but has your body been taken over by a demon that sounds like my mother? What do you mean, “just the way it is”?
JACK: You’re witnesses in a criminal investigation. There are rules.
JULES: Is either of us suspected of committing a crime, then?
JACK: No.
JULES: Well, then. Then we’ll do this together. You know why?
JACK: No.
JULES: Because that’s just the way it is!
JACK: Christ, if there’s ever been a more difficult group of witnesses, I have no idea where that could have been.
JULES: Excuse me?
JACK: I didn’t say anything.
JULES: Yes you did, I heard you muttering.
JACK: It was nothing. Okay, you win, you can do this together!
RO: Jules is just worried I’ll say something stupid if she isn’t here.
JULES: Quiet now, darling.
RO: See?
JACK: For God’s sake, don’t you two ever stop babbling? I said okay! I’ll interview you both at the same time! But this isn’t how it’s supposed to work!
RO: Do you have to be so angry?
JACK: I’m not angry!
RO: Okay.
JULES: Yeah, right.
JACK: I need your real names.
RO: These are our real names.
JACK: They’re nicknames, surely?
JULES: Please, can’t you just focus on the interview? It doesn’t really matter, does it? I need to go to the toilet.
JACK: Okay, okay, sure. Because “what’s your name?” is a really complicated question.
JULES: Stop muttering and just ask your questions.
JACK: Right, I’m just a police officer, so obviously it’s perfectly reasonable for you to decide what goes on in here.
JULES: What?
JACK: Nothing. I just need to confirm that the two of you were inside the apartment for the entirety of the hostage situation. Were you?
RO: I don’t know about “hostage situation.” That sounds very harsh.
JULES: Please, Ro, pull yourself together now. What do you think we were if we weren’t hostages? Accidentally threatened with a pistol?
RO: We were more just an unfortunate consequence of some bad decisions.
JULES: Because someone tripped and happened to slip inside a ski mask?
JACK: Please, can you both just try to focus on my question?
JULES: Which one?
JACK: Were you inside the apartment the whole time?
RO: Jules was in the hobby room for quite a long time.
JULES: It’s not a hobby room!
RO: Closet, then. Stop being picky.
JULES: You know perfectly well what it’s called.
JACK: You were in the closet? How long for? I mean, how long before you came out of the closet?
JULES: What did you just say?
JACK: I mean, well, no, that’s not what I mean.
JULES: Right. So what exactly did you mean, then?
JACK: Nothing. I didn’t mean “come out of the closet” in any way except in relation to the fact that you were physically inside a… well, a closet.
JULES: We were in the apartment the whole time.
RO: Why do you sound so angry?
JULES: Maybe it’s the hormones, Ro? Is that what you’re trying to say?
RO: No, it really isn’t. Well, I certainly didn’t actually say that, in which case it doesn’t count.
JACK: I appreciate that you’ve had a difficult day, but I’m just trying to understand where everyone was at various times. For instance, when the pizzas were delivered.
RO: Why’s that important?
JACK: That’s the last time we know for certain that the perpetrator was in the apartment.
RO: I was sitting on the chaise longue when we had the pizza.
JACK: What’s that?
JULES: That bit at the end of the sofa. Kind of like a divan.
RO: No it isn’t—how many times do I have to tell you that it’s nothing like a divan? Do you know how you can tell that a chaise longue isn’t a divan? Because then it would be a divan!
JULES: Give me strength! Are we going to have the same argument now as when I didn’t know what a commode was? Do you know what a commode is?
JACK: Me? It’s a type of lizard, isn’t it?
JULES: See? I told you.
RO: It’s not a lizard!
JULES: It’s that cabinet in the bathroom, under the washbasin, apparently.
JACK: I had no idea.
JULES: No normal person knows that.
RO: Did you both grow up in caves? Seriously? A commode is a kind of cousin to a vanity. You know what one of those is, presumably?
JACK: Yes, I know what a vanity is.
JULES: How can you know that and yet still call a wardrobe a walk-in closet?
RO: Because a wardrobe is a word used by someone who blogs about juicing and hasn’t pooped a solid turd for three years, whereas a vanity is a proper piece of furniture!