And the Rest Is History(85)

‘Nefarious?’

He beamed. ‘The Technical Section’s word of the day.’

‘I thought you only understood words like hammer and thump and bro-ken.’

‘Not at all,’ he said looming over me. ‘I also know words like cheeky and bug-ger and push off Maxwell and let us get on with saving their lives.’

I paused. ‘That bad?’

‘It would have been. Turning up here today has probably saved them.’

And back to the kitchen, where Mrs Mack was ahead of me.

‘Care packages,’ she said, nodding towards her staff stuffing compo rations into a box. ‘And some fresh fruit. And chocolate. And a wheel of Wensleydale. They’ll eat well for a week, anyway.’

I just had time for a cup of tea myself before Dr Stone brought them back, considerably cleaner and, presumably, radiation free. Each of them was clutching a little bag of medication. Each had a radiation badge pinned to their front. They were still eating and talking. Simultaneously. We should recruit them into St Mary’s. They were certainly the Right Stuff.

We gathered outside their teapot.

‘Listen to me,’ said Dr Bairstow, and they did. ‘If your badge turns red, return to St Mary’s at once. If either of you are injured or sick, return to St Mary’s at once. If, at any point, you are in trouble or in danger – or more trouble or danger than you feel you can cope with – return to St Mary’s at once. We will do what we can for you. Now, your…’ he glanced up at the teapot, appeared to select and reject various words, finally settling for, ‘conveyance … has been serviced. The radiation leak that would eventually have killed you has been repaired. A week’s worth of rations has been loaded and you have been fed and watered. That should keep you out of trouble for the foreseeable future.’

They nodded, suddenly solemn. Adrian said, ‘On behalf of Mikey and me, thank you, Dr Bairstow. We didn’t know … about the leak, I mean. Well, we did, but we didn’t think it was that serious.’

Mikey nodded and beamed up at him. ‘Thank you, Dr Bairstow. You’ve been very kind.’

I don’t think anyone had ever accused him of kindness before. He put out his hand. ‘Good luck to the pair of you.’

‘Thank you, Dr Bairstow.’

‘Don’t thank me,’ he said sternly. ‘You’re going to need it. However, remember what I said. You are not without a refuge.’

Somewhere in Mikey’s capacious pocket, the alarm clock went off.

‘Time to go,’ said Adrian cheerily, and they climbed the ladder. Mikey hauled it up after them and they dropped it back into the teapot with a thud. Dieter winced.

They waved merrily and shouted goodbye and then the hatch closed. And opened again. ‘You might want to stand back a bit,’ shouted Mikey. And then the hatch closed again.

‘I would certainly advise that,’ said Dieter, ushering us all back to the terrace and the remains of our tea.

When we turned back – they were gone.

They’d cut it a bit fine, actually. I’d barely poured myself another cup of tea and picked up a salmon and cucumber sandwich when the Time Police turned up.

At least they’d learned not to come piling out of their pod, weapons raised, shouting at us to comply with a number of contradictory instructions.

We sat back and watched them cross the grass towards us. Mikey’s cheese lay in their path and appeared to warrant a good deal of attention.

As Adrian had said, there were four of them and they opened the conversation by demanding to know where we were hiding them.

Dr Bairstow sat back, so I gathered it was up to me and Peterson.

‘Who?’

‘Those two.’

‘Two who,’ said Peterson unable to resist.

‘Two renegades in a homemade pod.’

I was about to deny all knowledge when one of the cheese-fixated officers reported its radioactive qualities.

‘That proves it.’

‘Proves what?’

‘That they were here. Their pod leaks radiation wherever it goes. This cheese is radioactive. Therefore, they were here.’

‘Wow,’ I said softly, just to wind them up a bit. ‘This is advanced thinking for the Time Police.’ Because angry people don’t always think as clearly as they should.

Dr Bairstow decided to enter the fray.

‘My dear sir, you are aware we recently sustained enormous damage when our hangar and pods were involved in an explosion? There is radiation everywhere.’

‘Still?’

‘Certainly. I do hope that those of you who have plans for imminent parenthood have donned the appropriate protective gear. Thank you for pointing that out to us, however.’

The officer had been looking around. ‘Why is there a lump of cheese on the lawn at all?’

A good question, to which Dr Bairstow was more than equal. Raising his eyebrows, he said haughtily, ‘Forgive me, I thought it was perfectly obvious that we were holding a croquet tournament.’

‘So?’

‘Is it possible that you are unaware of the significance of cheese in a croquet tournament?’

‘It would appear they are, sir,’ said Peterson, with his, what idiots not to have guessed the significance of cheese in a croquet tournament expression. I have to say, that that one doesn’t get a lot of use.