An Absent Mind(20)
I Have to Stay Calm
Saul slipped out of the house while I was making dinner last night. I guess I didn’t hear the chimes on the door because the radio was on. The police told me they’d found him all the way down on Monkland Avenue. They said he looked dazed, and at first they thought he was drunk, but when they saw the bracelet on his wrist, they called the 800 number and brought him home.
And then today—and it’s not the first time—I watched him do the same thing over and over and over. Here’s what he does: He takes the books off the shelves, one by one, until you can’t see the floor. Then he tries to arrange them in some sort of order, but he gives up in disgust and haphazardly shoves them back again. No sooner has he finished than he dumps them on the floor and starts trying to organize them once again. And he babbles like an absentminded professor while he’s doing it.
When he’s not rearranging the books, he’s in the kitchen, emptying the cupboards and filling them up again. And when he’s done with that, he dumps Dugin’s dog biscuits into a large plastic bag and carries them into the bedroom, where he hides them beside the dresser. Sometimes I wait a few minutes before retrieving them, but most of the time Dugin is trailing behind him and drags the bag to his cushion by the back door.
By the end of the day, I am so worn-out that I can hardly stand. It used to be I could escape during the week for at least a few hours when I did my volunteer work, but Saul’s been too far gone for me to be absent at all.
Dr. Tremblay told me I need my strength in order to be an effective caregiver. He said if I didn’t get someone to come to the house, or put Saul in an adult daycare center, I would fall apart and be no good to anyone. Well, there is no way I am going to have someone else take care of him in my house, that’s for sure. I mean, even if I wanted to—and I don’t—what would people think if I’m out playing mahjong or going to a movie while leaving Saul with hired help?
Last week, we visited the Schaffer Centre. A heavyset woman with stained yellow teeth but a sweet smile nonetheless welcomed us as if we were family. But I knew within minutes that I would never leave Saul there with those blubbering idiots. I don’t want you to think that I’m insensitive, but they were like robots—most of them couldn’t walk, and they all seemed to be living on another planet.
Saul is heading downhill in slow motion, but a month or two of even a few hours a day there would speed up the process immeasurably. And I’m not going to let that happen.
One of Saul’s last joys in life is sitting in that big chair of his in the living room and having Dugin fetch his chewed-up rubber ball. The woman made it very clear there was no chance of him bringing Dugin to the Centre, even on a leash.
I don’t think Saul could exist without that damn dog. It’s like they understand each other, even now. Saul laughs, and Dugin barks. Saul cries, and Dugin whimpers. They’re inseparable. I think if he had a choice between the dog and me, Dugin would win. And after going through days like today, I sometimes think I wouldn’t mind that.
Saul
Miriam
She was really quite pretty and smart. A bit on the skinny side, maybe a bit more than a bit. I like that—“a bit more than a bit.” I’ll have to remember that one. Fat chance of that!
Anyway, what else can I tell you about Miriam? Let’s see—a great musician. She played the flute, clarinet, and saxophone. And she played well, well enough to be first clarinetist of the school orchestra.
But she didn’t just have a serious side. She couldn’t resist the opportunity to flirt. Even when I would walk home with her, she would bat her long eyelashes at the guys waiting at the bus stop. I think she just wanted to be wanted. I don’t think she felt comfortable at home with her overbearing and nutty parents.
Did I tell you about how she would sometimes set up two dates on a Saturday night? I thought only guys did that—you know, one till ten o’clock, then sneaking out and meeting up with the next one at ten-thirty. And she was so extraordinary, she got away with it, even if they found out.
When Miriam got older, she looked up to me. But when we were young, it was Miriam who watched out for me. I can’t tell you how many times she would bang on my bedroom door, begging my father to stop hitting me. It didn’t do any good, but it made me feel better that someone was in my corner. Sometimes I think it hurt her more than me. If that were the case, it must have really hurt her, because I can tell you Larry’s belt was made out of the toughest leather ever manufactured!
Miriam graduated from McGill with honors in psychology. With her upbringing, she probably could have passed her exams without even taking the course. I mean, look at all the practical training she had. Hannah and Larry for parents, me for a brother.
Those years at university were wasted. She could have been out having fun, enjoying her life—or whatever she had left of it.
One Saturday afternoon, Miriam called me and asked me to get together with her downtown at Woolworth’s. She was going to buy an LP first, and then we’d meet at the snack bar. I hadn’t seen here in a while, so we had a lot of catching up to do.
We hung around while she drank her usual coffee with the tons of sugar she liked to dump into her cup, and while I went through two cherry Cokes. Miriam asked me if I wanted to go for a walk on Mount Royal. I was supposed to meet my new girlfriend, Cathy, so I passed. We agreed to get together that night, Cathy and I, Miriam and her new heartthrob—with Miriam there was always one hanging around.