Again, But Better(10)

After grocery shopping with Pilot, all of us (minus Babe, who left earlier after orientation to visit a friend she has upstairs) met in the kitchen and sat tentatively around the table. Which, by the way, has terrible chairs. Atticus chatted easily for a few minutes about how excited he is to immerse himself into the London theater scene while the rest of us listened, politely inserting a word or two, but not really furthering the conversation. I was about to descend into a cone of social anxiety, but Pilot broke the silence by pulling out the ciders he bought. And then I broke out the Taboo. Well, the version of Taboo I have on my iPod Touch called Word Kinish. Nothing breaks the ice like a good game of Word Kinish. (In the interest of being outgoing, I obviously prepped my iPod full of group activities).

I got a little competitive, but I think we all had fun. We kept switching up the teams. My team always won because I’m a professional Taboo/Word Kinish player. The cousins and I used to play this all the time during summers back in our early teens.

Sahra was the worst of us at Word Kinish. She was easily flustered when she couldn’t think of ways to describe the word she needed to make her team guess without using the illegal buzz words. Instead of talking it through, she would make angry noises until time ran out. I’m not sure what to think of Sahra. She’s kind of nice, but she also seems kind of cold. She doesn’t smile when she talks to me, and she always speaks in short, chopped sentences. I don’t know if she doesn’t like me or if that’s her demeanor.

I regret not having brought a deck of cards with me. I’ve got to get myself one out here. There’s something magical about a good game of cards when everyone’s into it. It used to be that at every Primaveri gathering after dinner, we’d play cards. In general, the Primaveris are a loud and opinionated people. Normally, I observe rather than participate in their discussions because I’d rather be overlooked than potentially judged or scolded for saying the wrong thing. But when we’re playing cards, that fear kind of falls away. Awkwardness with the cousins falls away. I’m automatically more confident and all of a sudden I have things to say.

I hope Pilot likes cards. He was totally into the game today. Not quite on my level of into it, but into it in a way that was fun. Atticus too.

Atticus is a drama major. He’s really easy to talk to. There’s this dorky charm about him that automatically makes me feel less alone. He just finished The Lost Symbol. I’m totally pumped to talk Dan Brown with him when we get a chance. He’s super-passionate about theater and wants to intern in the West End while he’s here. He recently broke up with his boyfriend because of study abroad, but he seems okay about it. He talked about being excited to mingle with the British. While Sahra and Pilot played Word Kinish tonight from a calm sitting position around the table, Atticus joined me, jumping up and yelling things.

I’m trying really hard to hold back the tsunami of Pilot excitement that’s been building in me since I first saw him in the kitchen this afternoon, but now that I’m just sitting here in the dark, pre-sleep, I can’t stop all these giddy thoughts from flooding my brain. Could we be a thing? There was a moment tonight where I’m pretty sure we almost kissed.

Pilot’s so … like, cool. He’s definitely kissed people. Having never been kissed feels like a giant Achilles’s heel. I hate feeling so inexperienced. I hate that this isn’t something I can study. I hate that I get sweaty at the mere mention of the game Never Have I Ever because I’m so scared of broaching sexual topics. How am I twenty years old and I’ve yet to even hold a boy’s hand? It’d be fine if I didn’t want to hold a boy’s hand, but I do. And I’ve never even been close.

But now, the potential’s, like … right in front of me.

The word “boyfriend” is already dancing around my brain. My family’s been pestering me about the existence of a boyfriend every few months for the last seven years. How could I not be thinking about it? I’ve been fine by myself these past million years, but I want to know what’s it like to have someone care about me that way. To put their arms around me from behind. I don’t want this Achilles’s heel.





5. Open Your Eyes and See



My eyes snap open. A high-pitched bleeping noise is blaring. It takes a second, but yesterday slowly gurgles to the forefront of my mind. I’m in London. That noise is my new plastic phone. It must be 9:00 a.m.

One of the four wardrobes in here is smashed up against my bunk and the top of it is level with my bed, so I’ve turned it into a makeshift bedside table down near my feet. That’s where my phone sits now, bleeping away. I shut it off and make my way down the ladder to start getting ready. Everyone on the program is going on a boat tour down the Thames today to Greenwich.

We’re supposed to be upstairs by 10:15. At 9:40, Babe and I are both dressed, so we head to the kitchen together for breakfast. Sahra’s running behind, but she assures us she’ll met us there.

Babe’s sporting a new Canon DSLR around her neck.

“Nice camera!” I admire as we butter our bagels at the counter. I have my Casio digital camera in my purse, but a DSLR—those pictures are on another level.

When we finish eating, the kitchen door opens, and Pilot and Atticus stride in, all ready to go. My heart speeds up. I check my block phone for the time: 10:05.

Pilot grins at us, his gaze landing on me. “You guys ready to do Greenwich?”