A Woman Is No Man(54)

“But what’s the point of being courageous? Where will that get me?”

“Courage will get you everywhere, so long as you believe in yourself and what you stand for,” said Sarah. “You don’t know what your life will be like, and neither do I. The only thing I know for sure is that you alone are in control of your destiny. No one else. You have the power to make your life whatever you want it to be, and in order to do that, you have to find the courage to stand up for yourself, even if you’re standing alone.”

Deya stared at Sarah’s pale olive complexion, the way her eyes glittered in the dim room. She was starting to sound like a self-help book, and though Deya frequently read those sorts of things, it was beginning to annoy her. It was one thing to read theoretical advice and another thing entirely to listen to the words come out of someone’s mouth.

“That all sounds great in theory,” Deya said. “But this isn’t a Dr. Phil show. What am I supposed to do? Ignore my grandparents and do whatever I want? It’s not that simple. I have to listen to them. I don’t have a choice.”

“Yes, you do,” Sarah said. “You always have a choice. You’re always in control. Have you ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy?”

Deya sighed irritably. “I’ve read about it.”

“It says we attract what we think. Whatever belief a person has about the future comes true because the person believes it.”

“You mean, like Voldemort in Harry Potter?”

Sarah laughed. “That’s one example. Everything we draw into our life is a mirror of our thought patterns and beliefs. In a way, we can control the outcome of our future just by thinking more positively and visualizing only the things we want for ourselves. Of course, Voldemort did the exact opposite. He made his own worst-case scenario come true by believing in it too hard.”

Deya only looked at her.

“What I’m trying to say is that if you believe you have power over your life, then you ultimately will. And if you believe you don’t, then you won’t.”

“Now you’re really starting to sound like Dr. Phil,” Deya said, rolling her eyes.

Sarah clucked her tongue. “I’m serious, Deya. You know what you have right now? The entire world at your fingertips. You can go home and tell my mother, ‘I’m not getting married right now. No matter how many suitors you find me, I refuse to marry any of them. I’m going to college first!’”

“I can’t say that.”

“Why not?”

“Because there’s no way Fareeda will let me go to college.”

“What is she going to do if you apply to college and get accepted? Stand at the door every morning and stop you from going to class?”

“I don’t know what she’ll do, but I don’t want to find out.”

“Why not? What do you have to lose?”

“I don’t know . . . I don’t know. But I don’t want to upset her. I can’t just defy her. I’m scared . . .”

“Scared of what? What could she possibly do? Hit you? Don’t you think standing up for your future is worth a beating or two?”

“I don’t know!” Deya said, feeling herself bubble with anger. “Please, just stop. You’re making light of the situation. You’re making it sound like I have more power over my life than I actually do, and it’s not fair. If things were really that simple, then why didn’t you do that yourself? You could’ve said the same thing to Teta, you could’ve never run away. But it’s not that simple, is it?”

“It is simple,” Sarah said softly. “No matter how you may feel now, this is a fact: your life is in your hands. If I had known that when I was your age, I would’ve done many things differently. I would’ve been less afraid of the future. I would’ve had more faith in myself. Believe me, not a day goes by that I don’t regret not standing up to my family. I haven’t seen them in over ten years, and I miss them. But most of all I wish I could’ve stayed and watched you and your sisters grow up, maybe even raised you myself.” She paused. “I don’t want you to end up like me, thinking your life isn’t in your hands. Making decisions out of weakness and fear. I ran away to escape the shame of what I’d done, but that came at a cost.”

“What cost? Your life seems pretty great to me.”

“Belonging,” Sarah said.

“Belonging?”

“It’s hard to explain. . . . I still struggle to accept myself and it would have been better if I’d started sooner, much sooner. It’s hard to belong anywhere, truly belong, if we don’t belong to ourselves first.”

Deya stared at her. “Are you saying you never made any friends? You never dated?”

“No, I’ve made friends and I’ve dated.”

“Are you with someone now?”

“No.”

“Why not? You live by yourself. You can do whatever you want.”

“I think that’s what I mean by truly belonging,” Sarah said. “I’ve met a lot of guys over the years, but it was hard for me to really connect with anyone. I wasted a lot of years pretending to be someone that I wasn’t.” She met Deya’s eyes. “Maybe if I’d had someone to trust back then, to help me find courage and believe in myself, I wouldn’t have had to lose my family to find freedom. That’s why I reached out, Deya. I want to help you find another way.”