A Stranger on the Beach(55)

Should he tell her he didn’t like her like that? He couldn’t correct this awful misimpression without alienating Hannah completely. She’d feel humiliated and drop him. The thing was, he actually did want to see her dorm room, to check whether it was secure. Was she on the ground floor, so that Russian thug could climb in her window? Were there security cameras in the building? A lock on her bedroom door? He could let her think he was interested long enough to get a look. He’d refuse the vodka, of course, and keep things strictly friendly. He didn’t like leading her on, but he had to make sure she was safe. Once his very brief reconnaissance was complete, he’d make an excuse and slip away.

“Sure, I’d love to see your dorm room,” he said to Hannah. “Lead the way.”





36


I walked in to the empty apartment, still shaky from seeing that ugly threat scratched into the paint of my car. DIE BITCH. Would Aidan really hurt me? The signs were beginning to point to yes.

Jason’s briefcase was gone from the front hall bench, and his raincoat was missing from the coat stand.

“Hello? Jason?” I called out.

Silence. I double-locked the door behind me. As afraid as I was to be alone, I was relieved to find the apartment empty. A woman about to phone her lover and get him to implicate himself in a crime didn’t need a suspicious husband breathing down her neck. I had things to do that Jason couldn’t see.

To make certain he was gone, I went through each room, checking. I even looked in the bathrooms. In the master bath, I caught sight of myself in the mirror and stopped short, startled. I looked haunted, exhausted, with pinched cheeks and shadows under my eyes. If I saw myself from a distance, I would think, That woman is hiding something. You could see the deception in my eyes. Jason was no longer the only party to this marriage who had secrets. Now I was the one retreating to other rooms to take phone calls, lying about where I’d been, sneaking time alone to conduct my shady business. What had happened to me? When did I become this horrible person? Mere weeks ago, Hannah, Jason, and I were a happy family. I slept easy at night. I wasn’t afraid. I didn’t tell lies. Then the Russian woman came to the party, and everything changed. In a moment of weakness, I slept with Aidan, and the dominoes began to fall. Now I was as bad as Jason, as bad as the Russian woman. I wanted my old life back. I wanted my family back.

I wandered into Hannah’s room and sat down on her bed. My little girl had left for college, and I missed her with a terrible, stabbing pain. I toppled over sideways, pressing my face into her pillows, tears flooding my eyes. I was tired, and I was sad. I hugged Hannah’s stuffed puppy dog to my chest and rocked him like a baby. His name was Benji, after the dog in the movie that she loved when she was a little girl. I whispered his name over and over again, kissing his raggedy head. Poor Hannah—she’d wanted a dog so bad, but she was allergic. I should have tried harder, looked at hypoallergenic breeds, taken her in for allergy shots. A pet would have made a difference to a lonely kid like her, but it had seemed like too much bother. Was I a bad mother? I remembered dropping her off at school when she was little, how she’d cling to me, afraid of the mean girls. That exquisite agony of protecting a child from harm, the awful wrench when you had to let them go. I was the one alone now, and I wanted Hannah back. I wanted her little again. I snuggled deeper into her pillows, shifted to pull her down comforter close around me. The smell of the bed brought her back so vividly. That organic perfume she’d mixed up in the shop, with its notes of vanilla and spice. The smell of her peppermint chewing gum, her floral shampoo. I lay there and closed my eyes, sinking into the bed, the coziness of the memories.

I closed my eyes and gave in to the fatigue.



* * *



The sound of a ringing phone woke me. I sat up, groggy and disoriented, confused at finding myself in Hannah’s bed. The ringing was coming from the front hall, where I’d left my bag when I got back from the parking garage. It all came back to me in a rush. Aidan’s threat, scratched into the paint of my car. Coming home to find Jason gone and feeling so relieved. The mess that was my marriage. No wonder I’d given in to sleep. My troubles were beginning to feel overwhelming.

How long had I been sleeping? The sun slanting through Hannah’s blinds was much lower in the sky. I went to find my phone, and saw it was 2:40. Hours had passed while I hid from my problems. I took the phone with me to the kitchen, where I splashed water on my face and drank thirstily from my hands, then poured a cup of cold coffee from the carafe. I smoothed my hair and sat down at the kitchen table to check my phone. The missed call was from Lynn. I’d never shown up to her house as promised. She’d left a voicemail. I winced as I listened.

“What the hell, Caroline. You said you’d be here by lunchtime. It’s two thirty, and I’m worried. Are you okay, or are you ditching me? I’m not waiting around any more. I’m gonna go talk to my lawyer friend about your situation. Call me when you get this.”

Lawyer friend? I had no idea who she meant. Lynn was dragging some random lawyer into my conflict with Aidan? No way. I had to stop her. I hit her number.

“I’m fine,” I said, the second she answered.

“Where the hell are you? You were supposed to be here hours ago.”

“I had car trouble.”

“You couldn’t call and tell me? I was freaking out.”