A Necessary Sin (The Sin Trilogy, #1)(53)
She lies with her head on my uninjured shoulder while I rub her upper arm. We stay like that for a while, quiet, simply enjoying the gift of being together.
With silence comes thought, and my mind wanders back to the first night we were together. Bleu has never explained her infertility issues. She only said it was something I’d care nothing about. I didn’t at the time. I was too busy being happy about it to question her, but things are different now.
Anyone knows healthy young women aren’t routinely checked by their doctors for infertility unless they’ve tried to conceive and couldn’t. Bleu came to me a virgin, so that clearly isn’t the case. “How do you know you can’t get pregnant?”
She doesn’t answer right away. “I never said I couldn’t get pregnant.”
I sit up abruptly because I want her to look me in the face when she explains this one. “You told me you couldn’t get pregnant.”
“That may be what you heard, but that’s not what I said.”
“Then please, clarify.”
“I said you shouldn’t worry about getting me pregnant. There’s a difference.”
“We’ve been having unprotected sex because I believed you were infertile.”
“I’ve had severe polycystic ovarian syndrome since I was seventeen. I lost an ovary when I was twenty and the remaining one is nonfunctional. My doctors tell me I’ll likely lose it within the next couple of years, so in vitro is the only chance I have at becoming pregnant.”
I’m no reproductive specialist but I understand the basics. “If you don’t have ovaries, how can they do in vitro?”
“I did a retrieval procedure two years ago in case I ever wanted to have babies. My eggs are frozen until I choose to use them.”
She wouldn’t have done that if she didn’t want children. “You want babies.” I don’t know why I’m surprised by this revelation.
“I do, very much, but only if the circumstances are right. Don’t you?”
“I’ve never allowed myself to think of what I might want because I’ve always known what was expected—enter into a Fellowship-approved marriage and breed the next leader. That is what has been drilled into me for as long as I can remember.”
“That’s a bleak plight.” She couldn’t be more right.
“If my wife doesn’t hate me from the start, she’ll grow to once I take our son from her and rear him to lead The Fellowship.” That’s what happened between my mum and father.
“What would happen if you didn’t choose a wife from within your circle?” she asks.
“The Fellowship would never accept that.”
“Would they rally against you, their future leader?”
“They’d see my wife as a loose end. That’s something they wouldn’t tolerate.”
“Would they kill her? Or you for choosing to bring her in?”
“The Fellowship has a strict code for dealing with acts against the brotherhood. It’s called penance.”
“Which includes …?”
“Bleu. You’re highly accepting of this life, although you aren’t from this world. I love that about you, but I don’t really want to discuss penance. It isn’t a pleasant thing.”
“I want to know.”
She’s already up to her eyeballs in The Fellowship. “We have a secret location called a black site. Only a few brothers know its location. It’s where many things take place—penance, initiation, the occasional torture or … It’s not a place you want to be taken. If you find yourself there, you need to get out fast.”
“Is that where you took those men you killed the night I was attacked?”
“We aren’t going to talk about that.”
“You never told me what you did to them.” I’m not sure Bleu could ever look at me the same if she knew.
“And I won’t now, either.”
“Why not?”
“Once you learn certain things, there’s an invisible line you cross where there’s no return. There are dark things that will keep your heart from ever seeing the light again. I don’t want that for you.” And that’s why I’ll never allow her to be tainted by the ways of The Fellowship.
Chapter Nineteen
Bleu MacAllister
The drapes are closed but sunlight peeks into the room through a tiny gap in the fabric. I’ve been in Scotland for months and I’m still not accustomed to the long daylight hours. My mind and body remain confused by the short nights.
I reach for Sin but he isn’t by my side. I’m sure he’s in his office working. That’s all he’s done the past two weeks since discharge from the hospital—playing catch-up.
Against doctor’s orders, Sin only took a few days off before returning to his duties at the firm. I’m not at all surprised. He has little to no concern for his health since he thinks he’s invincible. His worry always lies with the well-being of The Fellowship. And me.
I’m certain Sin has come to care for me very much. Our relationship won’t sit well with the brotherhood. It’s possible it won’t be tolerated. That could mean big trouble for me. The rational side of my brain tells me I’m being foolish by playing with a fire I can’t extinguish. If I were smart, I would end this, kill Thane, and get out before I’m discovered.