A Nearly Normal Family(59)

“So what? Are you afraid of my dad?”

“Afraid?” He laughed. “Who could be afraid of Adam?”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“Nothing. It’s just, you’re so different.”

He took my hand and led me farther into the trees.

“Come with me.”

His teeth gleamed in the dim light.

There was something he wanted to show me. Something in his room in the counselors’ cabin. When I pointed out that it was strictly forbidden for us confirmands to be in the counselors’ area, he laughed.

“What they won’t know won’t hurt them.”

Ignorance is power.

“What about Dad?” I asked, looking around anxiously.

Robin didn’t hear me.

“Come on,” he said, unlocking the door.

There were four rooms in the counselors’ cabin. A cramped hallway with a mirror and four doors. It smelled like a summer cabin. Robin’s was the last room on the left.

He went to the window and pulled down the shade.

“Sit down,” he said, pointing at the bed.

It was messy, with his clothes and belongings strewn everywhere: on the floor, on the bed, on the small bedside table. Next to the bed stood Robin’s half-open suitcase, and as I sat I peered curiously down at underwear, deodorant, and undershirts.

“Be right back,” he said, vanishing into the hall again.

I sat on the bed and felt the beating of my heart. Soon I heard the flush of the toilet.

I’m not stupid. Sure, I was only fifteen, but obviously I knew what was happening. There wasn’t anything Robin wanted to show me. I could have stood up and run away, and the thought did occur to me, but I wanted to stay. I wanted to hold on to the thrill.

And by then there was no risk that the guys would catch us in the act and throw everything into chaos. The worst that could happen was if they started looking for us and …

I sent off a quick text.

Abort! I changed my mind.

And received a thumbs-up in response.

A second later, Robin opened the door. There was something new in his face, something resolute, determined. His upper lip twitched as he pulled me close. Our lips met, his tongue found its way into my mouth, and we kissed.

I enjoyed it.

He pressed himself against me and that turned me on. I wanted him to keep going.

After a while, he rolled me onto the bed. I lay on my back and he let his whole weight rest on me, covering my mouth with his lips and sticking his tongue way down my throat.

It didn’t feel good anymore. I couldn’t breathe.

I flailed beneath him like a fish. Tried to scream. Didn’t he notice he was hurting me?

I couldn’t breathe, but Robin just kept going. There was no longer anything tender or loving about it. His motions were forceful, a demonstration of power and strength. I was prey and he had brought me down.

At last I realized it was pointless to resist. All I could do was close my eyes and wait for the hurt to stop. Hope it would be quick.

Robin yanked my underwear down over my hips and spread my legs. It felt like something broke inside me.

I was caught in his hold. I couldn’t do anything.

Then suddenly everything was suspended.

I didn’t know if I was dead or alive.

Robin flew up and paced around.

“Someone’s out there,” he hissed, his pants around his knees.

I filled my lungs with oxygen, again and again. Finally, I could breathe.

“It’s Adam!”

Robin stared in terror at the window as he ran around looking for his shirt. He grabbed me by the arms and tried to pull me up off the bed.

“It’s your dad!”

I closed my eyes and breathed.

Dad.

Thank God.

Dad.





52


I miss Mom and Dad so freaking much, but I don’t know how I can ever look them in the eyes again. I miss Amina. I miss light.

This place will make you sick. My memories haunt me constantly and there’s nowhere to run.

In the middle of the night I wake up because I’m about to die. I’m drowning.

I toss and turn in the bed. I pound at the walls, try to yank the door open. I kick it until my toes are numb. My screams tear through my eardrums.

At last Jimmy the Guard opens the door. There are four of them, and they rush into the room and I don’t have time to think. They throw themselves at me and take me down.

Jimmy’s meaty hand presses my face to the floor. My screams are muffled by his nasty reptile skin.

My memories of the rape are sharp as knives; the images clear as glass. Part of me will always be there on that bed in the counselors’ cabin, gasping for breath.

They lock my hands behind my back and lift me up. I try to scream, but my mouth is clogged.

Four muscular men carry me out of my room. I fling my body around and they are forced to drop me in the corridor. I land on the floor with a crack and one of them hits me in the face. I don’t know if it’s on purpose.

It takes fifteen minutes for them to drag me to the elevator. Down in the observation cell, they receive help from a few more guards to lift me up on the restraint bed. The straps tighten around my wrists and ankles. I lie on my back, crying and shaking. I’m back in the counselors’ cabin at confirmation camp. I’m drowning in Robin’s panting breath. The sweat and tears blend together. The inconceivable horror of another person taking control of my body. Another person forcing their way into the innermost parts of me and robbing me of the dignity and right to self-determination I had taken for granted.