A Mrs. Miracle Christmas(38)
“Don’t kid yourself, Zach. It wasn’t for us. You did it for you, for the dream of fatherhood, because of your own desires for a family.”
“Laurel, that’s not true.”
She denied his words with a hard shake of her head. “After Jonathan, it was the end for me. You knew this. I told you this.”
“I know, which is why—”
“You didn’t return the baby clothes, did you? Don’t bother to deny it. I found them in the dresser. And the cigars.”
For an inkling of a second his eyes brightened. “The store wouldn’t take the clothes back…I had the receipt and everything and the clerk said…Well, it doesn’t matter now. I knew that if you discovered them you’d be upset, so I prayed and I asked God for a sign…and then the cigars were from the gift exchange, and then I knew that God—”
Zach couldn’t get his explanation out fast enough.
“Zach, please. Stop. I can’t bear to hear another word.”
His head sagged. “I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m sorry, Laurel. I never intended to hurt you.”
She believed that of him, but it didn’t change the bottom line. It didn’t change what his actions had so vividly spelled out to her in that moment of discovery. A sky writer couldn’t have made it any clearer.
“Zach, I know this isn’t what you want to believe, but I need to say it. As much as I want to, I’ll never be able to give you a family. Those dreams we shared that summer as we looked up into the sky over Green Lake…I’m sorry, Zach.” She paused when her voice cracked. “I’m so sorry.”
She took a moment before she was able to continue. “I gave it my all, but some of those dreams weren’t meant to be. You dreamed of having a family, and I can’t give you one.”
“But you are my family,” Zach insisted.
“Apparently, I’m not enough,” she said, jerking her hands to her face and smearing the tears across her cheeks.
“That’s not true. You’re more than enough. You’re all the family I want. You’re all the family that I need.”
“Your actions speak otherwise, far louder than your words.”
“I love you, Laurel. You can’t question that.”
“I don’t,” she whispered back, struggling to contain her tears, although raging emotions were ripping through her like a hot knife. “Loving me isn’t enough for you. You need more. You will always want more.”
He lowered his eyes to the floor. “All I did was hang on to hope for us, Laurel. Yes, I put in our application. I was wrong to do it, and I was ready to withdraw it, but I asked God for a sign. That’s when I got the cigars in the gift exchange at the office.”
“And because of those cigars, you now believe?”
Eyes still downcast, he nodded. “I do. I believe. I honestly believe it’s going to happen for us.”
That was all Laurel needed to hear. Staring sightlessly into the distance, she remained frozen, and her breathing slowed, as did her pulse. It felt like the entire fabric of their marriage had been ripping apart, and this was the last thread. His words had convinced her beyond any arguing or reasoning that Zach would never be fulfilled in their marriage without a child.
“And that was why you brought both the baby clothes and the cigars to the house and hid them.” Straightening her shoulders, she looked up so he would know the seriousness of what she was about to say. “I…I can’t go on like this, Zach. I love you…I do. With everything I am, I love you. But I feel it would be best if I…if you found someone else.”
He said nothing for several horrible seconds. “You don’t mean that. You can’t mean it.”
Despite her grief, she knew in her heart it was the right thing to let him go. “I do, I really do.”
They stood with only a few feet separating them, neither speaking. Zach’s shoulders slumped in defeat. After what seemed like an eternity, he walked out of the room. Laurel heard the front door of the house open and close.
Shutting her eyes, she sank onto the floor, falling on her knees and weeping harder than she had in her life. Sobs racked her shoulders. Not only had she lost Jonathan, but along with that beautiful baby boy, her marriage was now gone. She finally had the courage to realize that she loved Zach enough to set him free, so he could have the wife and children he deserved.
How long she stayed on her knees, Laurel didn’t know. She covered her face with both hands and wept for what seemed to be forever. When she heard the front door open, she sniffled and did her best to pull herself together to greet her grandmother and Mrs. Miracle.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Helen had no idea what had happened between Laurel and Zach. Mrs. Miracle had dropped her off after the Christmas dinner at the senior center; she was in high spirits, until she opened the door and caught sight of her granddaughter’s ravaged face.
Laurel’s eyes had been red and puffy, her skin blotchy. Before Helen could find out what was wrong, her granddaughter had rushed off to bed. Zach was nowhere to be found. Worry and concern kept Helen awake most of the night.
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