A Mother's Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy(74)

Finally, in a soft voice that carried warning power, he said, “Stop pushing me, Mom. I’m getting angry, and I don’t know how well I can control it.” That was all it took; this wasn’t my parenting style. Appalled that the conflict had progressed this far, I backed off. It was the worst confrontation we’d ever had, in seventeen years.

Later, we sat together at the kitchen table. We both felt awful. I apologized for losing my temper. Dylan apologized for forgetting Mother’s Day, and volunteered to help me prepare dinner. That afternoon, he went out to buy me a card and an African violet planted in a tiny watering can. It was a perfect gift; I love miniatures, and we’d collected some together when he was little. We hugged. I thought it was okay, although I noted he’d only signed his name to the card, instead of saying “Love, Dylan.”

Of course I wished we hadn’t fought, particularly on Mother’s Day, but I felt justified. Aren’t you supposed to confront your kids when you feel like they’re straying off the straight and narrow? I feel differently about that fight now. I know that hugging my son and telling him I loved him wouldn’t have stopped him from hurting himself and others. Still, I wish I had taken his hand. Sit down with me. Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on. Instead of telling him everything he was doing wrong, or what he had to be grateful for, I wish I’d listened, and validated his pain. If I had to do it over again, I’d tell him, You’ve changed, and it’s scaring me.

But I wasn’t scared. I should have been, but I was not.

? ? ?

I can now see there was a great deal to be concerned about in Dylan’s junior year.

In the background, there was the worry of Tom’s illness, financial uncertainty, and friction between Tom and Byron and me. All these factors increase the risk of depression in the vulnerable. Dylan’s arrest and the bullying he was experiencing at school are both social factors associated with a higher risk of depression and suicidality. His increased irritability and an uncharacteristic lack of motivation were signs of depression, though these seemed well within the parameters of what a parent could expect from a teenage boy. He carefully hid his alcohol use—another risk factor—from us. Every time we felt truly concerned about him, he’d go out of his way to reassure us that everything was okay.

So how does a concerned parent parse out the difference between garden-variety adolescent behavior (“He’s so lazy; he’s got such a crappy attitude; she’s such a drama queen”) from real indicators of depression or other types of brain illness? The crucial question raised by a story like mine is how to tell when actions or words indicate something worrisome.

There is no fail-safe answer; in fact, these are some of the most troubling unresolved issues in the field of behavioral medicine. But Dr. Christine Moutier of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention teaches medical students and physicians to pay attention to changes: in sleep patterns, expressions of anxiety, shifts in mood or usual patterns of behavior, or in a teen’s “personality.” Taken individually, these may indicate nothing more than a stressful week, but a constellation of changes may signal a more serious problem. Junior year, Dylan went from being the kid I didn’t have to worry about to the kid I was worried about all the time. After sixteen years of no trouble at all, suddenly he was in conflict with the authorities at his school, with us, with other kids, and ultimately, with the law.

Dr. Mary Ellen O’Toole, a former FBI profiler and a forensic behavioral consultant, authored the FBI report “The School Shooter: A Threat Assessment Perspective,” shortly after the tragedy. She warns against relying on a kid’s self-reporting and advises parents to look at behaviors. If something seems inconsistent or inexplicable, get another pair of eyes on the problem, and don’t allow yourself to be mollified.

Loving our kids makes us more susceptible to ignoring disturbing behaviors, or explaining them away. This is especially true when the kid in question is “a good kid,” and when we have a good relationship. It’s a fight to see these behaviors clearly, and to act when we notice something. But you’ll never forgive yourself if you don’t.

If you’re worried, Dr. Moutier advises, seek expert help. If the child is okay, hearing it from a therapist will make you feel better; if there is a more serious problem, a therapist is more likely to recognize it, and can help.

Dylan did not want to get help. His journals show he was trying to manage his problems by himself. Given this aspect of his personality (and his innate stubbornness), I’m not convinced I would have been able to force him to see a therapist; even if I had gotten him to the office, he would have been perfectly capable of sitting there in sullen silence for an hour. I asked Dr. Langman, who specializes in adolescents, what he suggests to parents whose child won’t cooperate; he told me he asks the parents to come in. Often a conversation with them is enough to determine whether further intervention, such as contacting a child’s guidance counselor at school (or even law enforcement) is necessary.

Dylan promised he’d turn his life around, and then he did. According to Dr. O’Toole, that recovery might have been a sign in itself, one especially common among young women in abusive relationships. As soon as a parent moves to intervene—“I don’t want you seeing Johnny anymore”—the girl returns to actively managing their impression of her.

There are, of course, no guarantees a child will be okay, even with professional help. Eric’s parents did send him to a psychiatrist after the arrest, and he began taking medication—none of which stopped him from putting into motion the events of April 20, 1999.