A Keeper(70)

He gave a strange tight cough and then replied, ‘I, we, can’t look after her. I’ll send you money.’

Money. She was heading back into the real world where she had to worry about such things. She wondered if she had a house to return to. She squeezed the baby a little tighter.

‘Thank you.’

Somewhere north of Clonmel, Patricia’s head was nodding towards sleep in a blur of cat’s eyes and briefly glimpsed tree trunks when Edward said her name.

She looked over at him.

He was still hunched over the wheel, staring ahead intently.

‘I did care for you. I hope you know that.’ His words were hoarse.

Patricia shut her eyes. She still had so much rage inside her. If he cared for her why had he allowed this to happen, to continue for so long? How could he be so cruel to someone if he had feelings for them? Then she thought of him, having to return alone to Castle House. Living with his mother and her fury for … well, forever. He could never escape. Edward was as much a victim in this as she was. She let the wisps of hair on the baby’s head rub against her face.

‘I know, Edward. You’re not a bad man.’ She considered saying more, telling him how he must escape his mother, or at least get her help, but she decided against it. There was no point upsetting him further.

Only a fox standing at the bottom of the lane that led up to the town dump witnessed Patricia’s return to Buncarragh. As the car glided beneath the street lights she found she was holding her breath. Everything was just as it had been when she left, but deserted and still. How could it be the same when she could barely remember the na?ve young woman who had left this place so long ago? The artificial light made the town seem almost two-dimensional. Words slipped from her mouth, like an incantation she had repeated many times before. ‘My friend works there. That’s the family shop. These are the new traffic lights. Straight on. Left at the fork. Up the hill.’

They had arrived. The car pulled to a halt outside number sixty-two. The first thing she noticed was the For Sale sign outside.

‘Look at that!’ She pointed at the board, seething.

‘It’s not sold,’ Edward replied simply.

‘True.’

The engine switched off, they sat in silence in the car. Still Patricia feared that there would be some last-minute hurdle, or disaster. He would reach for the baby, or suddenly start the car again and drive into a wall.

‘Have you keys?’ he asked.

‘Under the plant pot.’

‘Right.’

Edward took a deep breath and heaved open his door. Patricia edged hers open too and then he came around the car to help her. She stood on the pavement while Edward got the bag from the back seat.

He carried it over and placed it at her feet. ‘Thank you.’ She had begun to shiver in the night air.

‘You’d better get in.’

‘Right.’ But she didn’t move.

The steam from their breaths floated between them as a single cloud.

Edward placed a hand under the baby’s chin and lifted her face towards his. He bent down, and Patricia heard him whisper to his daughter.

‘You be a good girl now. This is for the best. It’s all for the best.’

When he raised his head he couldn’t look at Patricia and his mouth was contorted into a twisted ribbon of pink.

‘Goodbye, so.’ His voice was high and strained and he ducked into the car as quickly as he could.

Patricia suddenly felt awful. She had only thought about herself and Elizabeth and what was best for them. She had never really considered at what cost. Now she watched aghast as this man with tears streaming down his face struggled to start the engine of the car. Without thinking she stepped forward and rapped her knuckles against the window. Edward stepped back out of the car, and stood up with only the baby separating them. Patricia raised her face to him and he kissed her on her lips. Standing on tiptoe, she pressed back against him. It was a gentle embrace, with no hint of lust or passion. His lips were so much softer than she had imagined, but the stubble on his chin scraped her face. She stepped away, and then raised her hand to wipe away his tears.

‘Thank you, Edward. Take care of yourself.’

He said nothing, just bent and kissed the baby’s head and got in the car.

The power of forgiveness.

She pulled another woman’s coat over the head of another woman’s baby and watched the man she had never married drive away.

When the red lights had reached the bottom of the hill and disappeared, Patricia lifted Elizabeth up and kissed her on both cheeks.

‘We are home, my baby!’

The key was where she had expected to find it, and opening the door she allowed the familiar smells to wash over her. Had she ever thought that stepping into this hallway could feel this wonderful?

Pushing open the door to the sitting room, she carried Elizabeth over to the sofa and wedged her between two cushions. From the hearth she picked up the largest poker and marched outside. Nobody watched as she flailed the heavy fire iron in the air and smashed the For Sale sign in two.





NOW


1


She felt a bit cheated. So much had happened to her while she had been away, but still New York refused to acknowledge it. The same movie posters were on billboards as when she left. The ugly red dress was still in the window of Inspirations, that weird store on the corner of 33rd. Armando behind the meat counter at D’Agostino greeted her as if she had been in the day before. Even Shelly the cat refused to respond when Linda Jetter brought him back to the apartment. By the time Elizabeth woke up the next morning, she had begun to doubt herself. Ireland seemed so far away. As the daily soundtrack of car horns and sirens started up outside her window, she wondered if she had ever sat on the wall looking out to sea at Castle House. Had her father squeezed her hand? Were Gillian and Noelle trawling through Convent Hill, as she lay in bed tracing the cracks in her bedroom ceiling? Peeling herself out of bed, she resolved not to dwell on her Irish trip. Today was not about the past. She had to focus on the life she was living in the here and now. Zach would be home soon and she was finding it hard to imagine what it was going to be like. A week ago, their conversations were about college applications and his homework, now he was going to become a father. For God’s sake, she was going to be somebody’s grandmother! It was insane. She let out a manic yelp to express her bewilderment as she stepped into the shower.