A Keeper(31)

Sitting on the bed in her plain room, she looked out of the window at her view of the brightly lit terminal building. Maybe she should have researched her trip a little more before setting off? It was doubtful she would ever make this journey again and somehow sitting in a hotel that could have been anywhere in the world seemed a waste. She inserted the charger into her phone and went to brush her teeth. Over the insistent growl of her electric toothbrush, she thought she could hear something. What was it? Her phone! She spat into the sink and rushed into the other room. The display was lit up. Zach!

‘Hello! Hello!’ Her voice pleaded with the phone for it to be her boy. A pause and then …

‘Hi, Mom.’

‘Zach …’ Elizabeth sat on the bed, heavy with relief. ‘Zach, where have you been? I, we, were so worried about you.’

‘I’m sorry. I’m fine.’

‘Never ever pull a stunt like this again. Oh, Zach. Why did you lie to me? Where the hell are you?’ Her relief was turning quickly to anger.

‘I’m with … I’m with my girlfriend.’

‘Girlfriend? I …’ She was surprised into silence. Was it awful that her first thought, beyond his safety or his whereabouts, was that her son was straight? She had mentally prepared for him being gay and told herself that she would be fine about it, but her relief on hearing the word ‘girlfriend’ suggested that maybe she had been lying. Once more she reproached herself for all the conversations she knew she should have had but avoided. Why had she been so scared? Was she homophobic? No, she really didn’t believe she was. Her problem was Elliot and the thought of him somehow being able to claim a victory. Well, he couldn’t. Zach liked girls. A silly grin spread across her face.

‘She lives out here and I just wanted to visit her.’

‘For God’s sake why wouldn’t you tell me?’

‘I was afraid you’d say no.’

Elizabeth had to admit that the chances of that were pretty high. The thought of her son flying across the country to spend time with a family she had never met wasn’t the sort of thing she would have readily agreed to.

‘But Zach, you didn’t just do this without telling me. The emails. The emails you wrote from your father. What about them?’

‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any harm. I just really wanted to visit.’

‘And, oh my God, I just remembered. Your version of Elliot claimed he’d reimburse me for your flight! Well, I will be holding you to that, Zach. You are going to pay me back every last cent, do you understand?’

‘Yes, Mom. You’ll get it all back. I promise.’

‘How did you think you were going to get away with it all? Zach, you aren’t stupid. You must have known I’d talk to your father at some point.’

There was a silence on the other end of the line and then a simple, ‘I suppose.’ And it broke her heart. She could picture him so clearly in that moment. His head bowed, one shoulder jerking forward, a small shuffle of his feet. Elizabeth just wanted to hug him. Smell his hair and know that he was safe in her embrace.

‘Have you told your father?’

‘Yes.’ A slight pang. He had called Elliot first.

‘And?’

‘He’s going to drive down to collect me in a day or two.’

‘Where the hell are you?’

‘Sacramento.’

‘And who is this girl? How did you meet?’

‘I met her through school.’ A brief silence. ‘I really like her.’

Elizabeth smiled. ‘Well, that’s good, honey. I’m glad. I’m also very glad that you are all right. You are never, ever, ever to do anything remotely this stupid ever again. Do you understand?’

‘Yes, Mom.’

‘Call me when you get to your father’s, OK?’

‘Yes, Mom.’

‘I love you and I’m very happy you are all right. Don’t scare me!’

‘Sorry, Mom, I love you too. Bye.’

‘Bye.’ And as she pressed the little red button to hang up she began to cry. Her baby was out of danger. It was as if only now, when she knew he was all right, that she was able to admit to herself how frightened she had been. The mother that had sat for hours in the dark just listening to the rise and fall of her baby’s tiny chest, holding her own breath while she waited anxiously for each warm milky exhale – it turned out she was still that woman. Would it ever get easier? She doubted it.

An hour later she was sitting at the bar downstairs with a large glass of red wine she felt she deserved. Instrumental arrangements of Coldplay songs filled the air and an anorexic artificial tree blinked in mild alarm by the entrance to the lobby. It felt odd to be travelling alone. No Zach to check on now, no academics made amorous by afternoon drinking and distance from their wives to try and avoid. For the first time in what seemed like a long time, she felt calm. Elizabeth sipped her wine and looked around. Four older women gossiping and laughing at a table, maybe a post-holiday catch-up, or were they heading off for a bit of winter sun? A couple of pairs of businessmen sat opposite each other, some nursing pints, others with cups of coffee. Elizabeth tried to guess which ones were really friends and which were colleagues thrown together by commerce. Sitting alone at the bar made her feel slightly conspicuous. She thought she might just have a sandwich in her room rather than face the dining room as ‘a table for one please’. She was just draining her glass and debating whether or not she should risk ordering another one, when she felt the familiar vibration in the pocket of her sweatshirt. The high-pitched alert from her phone made a couple of drinkers glance in her direction before she was able to tug it free from her pocket. Elliot. A twinge of guilt. She had meant to ring him first.