You in Five Acts(48)

Joy pressed her lips together and took a deep breath. “This is my one shot,” she said, her face tense just like I’d seen it through the glass panel on the studio door. “No offense, but I’m not gonna have a gap year to figure it out. You know my mom and dad. If I don’t get recruited by a company, the deal’s off. It’s over.”

We ate in silence for a minute. I took a tiny bite of my veggie burger and tasted wet cardboard.

“So,” I finally said. “What happens if it gets worse?”

“I don’t know.” Joy frowned. “I’m just trying to make it through the next couple weeks.” She reached across the table to steal a fry and shot me an embarrassed smile. “Actually, I’ve been spending some lunch periods icing it in the handicapped stall of the fourth floor bathroom.”

So Joy had a lunchtime bathroom habit, too. “You could have told me,” I said.

She shook her head emphatically. “I don’t need anyone else worrying about me. Diego’s bad enough. He’s only helping me because he knows I would dance on it anyway and he wants to be there to make sure I don’t do anything stupid.”

“I don’t think that’s why,” I said. The summer between ninth and tenth grades was when Kyle first started buying me forties from the corner store with his fake ID, saying he knew I would drink anyway and he wanted to make sure I was being responsible. It turned out he just wanted to try to kiss me in the hallway near the garbage disposal. When I didn’t let him and he kept buying, I felt more powerful than I knew what to do with.

“OK, so now you know my drama,” Joy said, chewing. “So what’s yours? You seem really upset.”

“Nope, just melodrama,” I sighed, relieved I had been smart enough to hold off confessing. “I’m just in such an awkward position. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, et cetera.”

“Between an Ethan and a Dave place?” Joy quipped.

“Pretty much.” I could feel my brain start to decelerate, the whirring and clicking getting slower, like a train approaching a station. I started to worry if I would need more before I got home, especially if my rehearsal with you went well and we decided to hang out afterward, which I knew was a long shot, maybe the longest shot, but still a shot I wanted to take. I wondered when Dante got off work, if he could meet me halfway. If I could find a good moment to excuse myself, I could text him and take my next dose at the same time. Two birds, one bathroom. I laughed, and Joy looked at me funny.

“Don’t take this wrong,” she said, “but to me, yours has an easy solution. Just let Ethan down gently.”

“It’s not, though,” I said. I thought about Ethan’s lips, and how nice they felt—but only when I was imagining he wasn’t attached to them.

“I know,” Joy said. But I could tell she didn’t.

“And I know you think a gap year is some kind of vacation,” I continued, working myself up, “but I kind of wish my parents cared more about what I do. Because if I don’t start getting auditions, I’ll just be the girl who lives at home and goes nowhere.” I pushed my fries around fussily on my plate. “I’ll be the girl who peaks in high school.”

“Uh-uh,” Joy said. “That won’t happen. Besides, I don’t think you can peak when you’re a hot mess, right?”

I laughed and launched a fry across the table. “Shut up.”

“Then again, Dave peaked early, too, so maybe you two are destined,” she said. I didn’t want to laugh—you were so insecure about that, and you’d confided in me—but Joy broke first and started giggling, and I was so relieved at the break in tension that I started too, loud enough to get a shush from an old lady in the next booth.

“Aaaaanyway,” Joy said, in an exaggerated whisper, “it’s not like I have time for anything besides rehearsals and homework right now. I’m glad I don’t have anyone making me crazy. Besides you, obviously.”

I smiled, but I wanted to tell Joy that she was wrong, and that she didn’t know what she was missing. I wanted to tell her that you were the only thing about the past few months of my life that felt real, and that I’d been spending every single day for two months chasing the electric feeling that had sparked when we first met. I wanted to tell her that someone like that makes everything easier, makes everything seem more possible, not less.

But I didn’t end up telling her any of that, because while I was staring off into space thinking about you, I looked up and saw the clock behind the counter.

The moment I first realized I was in love with you? That was also the moment I realized I’d stood you up.





Chapter Eighteen


    Mid-April

Less than a month left


WHEN I GOT TO THE REHEARSAL ROOM, you were packing up your stuff. The sun was almost gone, and the sky through the windows was orange-gray like a coal on fire from the inside. You had your back to me, but I saw you flinch when I opened the door.

“I’m really sorry,” I said. The last pill bobbed bitterly in my throat; I’d panicked and swallowed it dry on the way over. I plunged my arm into my bag, hoping to find some half-empty bottle I could use to wash it down.

“You’re unbelievable,” you said, not moving.