You Know Me Well(46)

I nod, knees weak. Even being silenced by Violet is amazing. Even being told difficult things is, and I know what she’s about to say is going to be difficult by the way she’s unsmiling, by the crease between her perfect eyebrows, by how she looks away to decide which words to start with.

Whatever she says to me—I will deserve it. If she calls me fickle, I’ll know why. If she says she can’t do this, I’ll understand. But it might crush me.

“I’m asking,” she says. “Because I don’t want elusive.”

She shakes her head. There are tears in her eyes, and I see how I’ve hurt her. How much better than this she deserves.

“I put myself out there for you,” she says. “I got you a rose, but you didn’t let me give it to you. I showed up at that gallery just to see your paintings, and then I saw something even better—I saw you. We got to meet. Finally! And you were everything I wanted you to be. And then I bought your paintings! I was so reckless, which really isn’t like me, but I wanted to do something grand. I wanted to sweep you off your feet. And then laughing in the streets with you and Mark. Talking at dinner. That walk. That kiss…”

I try to speak again, but she shakes her head.

“I’m not finished,” she says. “I don’t want elusive. Remember Lars and his poem? I want a love like that. I want pure and true. I want it with you. Even though this might sound crazy, it’s part of why I came back. We never even texted or talked, but I thought we had a connection anyway, and I thought I might find that kind of love with you. But if you don’t want it—if this is how you are, always running away or just not showing up, if it turns out that I’m not who you thought I was going to be—then I’m going to get it with someone else.”

There are tears on her cheeks now, but she’s shrugging, letting me know that she’ll be okay moving on. And of course she would be. I mean, look at her. She could find someone new to love just by walking down the street.

“Okay,” she says. “I’m done now.”

“Okay,” I say. “I’m starting.”

I breathe deep. I look into her eyes. I wish I could take her face in my hands and kiss her, but I know she needs more than that right now. Even though I want to give her everything, I’ve learned enough in the last few days to only promise what I know I can deliver.

“I don’t want to let you down again,” I say. “I don’t want to be elusive. Last night, I was skeptical when you bought me that reading, but everything Kylie said made sense. All night long, all day today, I’ve been seeing those cards and wondering what they mean for me. I know that I’m holding myself back. I know that something needs to change, and that I need to be the one to change it. And I know—I know—that if you’re patient with me, what I find on the other end of it, once the towers have burned down, will be you.”

She looks like she wants to believe me, but then her face clouds again.

“Maybe I just moved too fast for you,” she says. “Maybe it was stupid for me to kiss you like that.”

“No,” I say. “It was amazing. It was the most romantic moment of my life. I’ve replayed it thousands of times since it happened. I want to kiss you again. Please trust me. I want to kiss you right now, but you deserve to be kissed by someone who has her shit together. So I’m going to get my shit together, and then, if you still want me, I’m going to kiss you.”

She cocks her head; a smile emerges.

“And until then?” she asks.

“It shouldn’t be long. That’s what Kylie said, right? And until then, I don’t know. Let’s just be together. There’s a poetry slam tonight.…”

“Yeah, everyone’s going,” she says.

“Will you go with me?”

“Sure,” she says.

“Oh, and Mark, too.”

She laughs.

“It’s a very good thing that Mark is so charming.”

She takes my hand.

“Is this okay?” she asks, and she bites her lip, looks at my mouth. She rubs her thumb along my palm. “I need something to tide me over until you’re ready for more.”

My knees turn weak again. I’m about to lose my resolve.

And then, “Um, hi?”

My body tenses. It’s Lehna. Of course. June and Uma, both wide-eyed, stand behind her.

I move to step away from Violet, but she keeps her hand in mine.

“Look who I ran into!” she says.

Her voice is so happy.

“Wow,” Lehna musters. “What a coincidence.”

June’s face reddens. She’s lucky Lehna’s looking at us and not at her.

“You just happened to be here?” she asks me. “By yourself?”

“Mark’s here, too.”

“I should have known that, I guess.”

It weirds me out, the way she says it—all chirpy and pleasant when I know she’s neither of those things.

“We’re gonna play the button game,” Uma says. “A new round starts in three minutes. Want to come?”

“I should find Mark,” I say.

“Violet?” Lehna says.

“I’m actually going to hang out with Kate tonight. She’s going to the slam, too, so can we reconnect there?”