You Had Me At Christmas: A Holiday Anthology(47)

“Where do you want to go?” he asked.

“Whereever you’re taking me.”

John looked at her and smiled. “Good answer. Put your arms around my waist and lean with me.”

She nodded, and then he did something to make the bike roar to life and off they went.

The feel of it was surreal. The air, the smell of the city, the press of her body against John’s. When they turned and he leaned, she did as instructed and leaned with him. It became this odd sort of dance. He took her through the city, which past eight in the evening was free of heavy traffic. They drove past the art museum, down Kelly Drive and Boathouse Row, until he drove her up into Fairmount Park and found a secluded area where they could stop for a while.

“It’s my favorite part of the city,” John said as he took his helmet off and dropped the kickstand of the bike. “I wanted to show it to you.”

Kate wrapped her coat more tightly around her and took a seat on the park bench, which was clear of snow and thankfully dry.

“Is it crazy I did this? Is it too cold?”

She shook her head. Even though she could see puffs of clouds from her mouth, it wasn’t enough to make her give up this moment. It was breathtaking. Snow had fallen earlier in the week, and the white stretched out in front of her on the ground, some still in the trees. It was quiet in that strange way when snow covered everything. It felt like she and John were the only two people in a magical woods, even though they had only left the lights and noise of the city a few minutes ago.

He sat down next to her and took her gloved hands in his. He pulled them up to his mouth and blew hot air on them. An innocent gesture that felt shockingly intimate. Like she was his to be warmed.

“So what excuse did you give the guy?” John asked.

“I didn’t. That friend he was talking to… they went to the bar for a drink.”

“He left you there? Sitting at the table by yourself while he had a drink? Okay, you have to admit our date was way better than that.”

“I’ll concede better. Not way better.”

“Fair enough,” John said easily. “Want me to go back there and rough him up? I have a reputation as a badass, you know.”

“No, I don’t want to think of him at all really. Instead I want to know why you freaked out. And please don’t say it was because I’m out of your league. You know that’s ridiculous, right?”

He sighed and she realized he hadn’t let go of her hand this whole time. She liked that.

“It’s not ridiculous, Kate, but I will admit there was a fair amount of freaking out. I guess I just thought… that I didn’t deserve someone like you. I was married once. Did I tell you that?”

Kate shook her head. Their date hadn’t lasted much longer than twenty minutes. There hadn’t been time for any real exchanges of information. He said married. Past tense.

“Was it because of the jail thing… did she leave you?”

John shook his head. “Well, she left me, but not because of that. I met Becky when I was sixteen. We were married by nineteen, and together planned to own a fleet of commercial fishing boats. Our own little dynasty. We almost got there too, until she got sick. Cancer.”

Kate wrapped her other hand around the one holding hers and squeezed.

“All our effort went there, you know? To fighting it. For a while it seemed like we were getting ahead of it, and then she was gone. I had never felt so bereft in my life. I imagine it’s like when a soldier loses an arm or leg, and you look down at yourself that first time and you can’t believe that’s really you.”

Kate thought about how she felt after losing her mother. Like suddenly she wasn’t the same person she had been.

“When I buried her, I thought that part of my life was over. Then I went on a hell of a bender. I hit every bar in this city. Nice ones, seedy ones, it didn’t matter. Then one night I go out the back to take a piss because the bathroom was occupied, and I see this bully cop giving some kid shit for no reason. In my drunken state I thought I was doing the right thing. Instead I ended up doing eight months in jail.”

“I’m so sorry, John.”

“It could have been worse, actually. Assaulting an officer comes with a pretty heavy sentence for obvious reasons. My lawyer suspected the judge was aware of the rumors about the cop in question, and that my story was probably true. She went easy—or at least easier—on me.”

“There’s been no one since?”

“A few hookups, nothing that meant anything.”

“Because you’re still grieving.” Which in a way made Kate sad too. If he still wasn’t over his wife, then what hope did they have?

I know grief. It’s what he said that first night they talked.

He looked at her and shook his head. “That’s just it, Kate. I think that’s why I freaked out. When I saw you, this wave of lust and need came over me—and that’s when I knew I wasn’t grieving anymore. I didn’t want to f*ck you, Kate. I wanted to make love to you, sleep with you, wake up with you, make you breakfast. All kinds of shit I hadn’t thought about in years. I wanted to do all that with this classy, sophisticated woman who probably was going to take one look at me and run the opposite way when she found out my story, and yes… I freaked out.”

“Well, I’m still me, and now I know your story—your real story—and I’m not going anywhere.”