Witch's Pyre (Worldwalker #3)(2)

“Here,” Tristan said, reaching into the mechanic’s pack that was still strapped across his back. “I have salve. I think I do, anyway.”

Lily couldn’t look him in the eye. As he cupped her hands in his and dabbed at her red and broken skin she fought the urge to pull away from him. He’s not my Tristan, she reminded herself.

They all took a moment to tend to their injuries with Tristan’s salve, although everyone seemed to be on the mend already.

“Whatever the Hive injected into us must have had an antibiotic in it,” Tristan said. He paused to look at his own arms and hands, which were only slightly burned, his face twisting with puzzlement. “But even still. Considering we were fighting inside the fire, you’d think our injuries would be much worse.”

“I thought we were dead when Lily’s wildfire caught up with us,” Caleb added. “But it only killed the Hive. Not us. How’d that happen?”

“I did something to you,” Lily admitted. “Directed the energy. I don’t really know what I did.”

“Could you do it again?” Una asked, dabbing at herself with salve. “Because it came in handy. Killed a ton of the Workers and left us barely singed.”

Lily tried to recall exactly what she’d done, but all she knew for certain was that she had broken her promise. She’d possessed her mechanics and had become something different. An Us or a We. And when members of the We had died, a part of her had died with them. Lily felt the holes in her still, like the bleeding gaps left by knocked-out teeth that she couldn’t stop probing with her tongue. The biggest and most painful was Tristan-shaped.

He should be getting ready to go to Harvard right now. But instead he’s dead.

“I don’t know. I don’t know exactly what I did,” Lily mumbled, not wanting to examine the episode anymore. Luckily, they either hadn’t felt her possess them in the chaos of the fight, or they hadn’t figured it out yet. Lily hoped they never did.

Lily looked at Juliet, who was regarding her with a furrowed brow. “What?” Lily asked defensively.

“I’ve spent my whole life around witches and I’ve never heard of anyone doing that before,” Juliet replied. “You said you were directing the energy inside of them, not just giving it to them. It’s as if you could control—” Juliet broke off with a frown and didn’t continue.

“Control what?” Lily asked, but Juliet shook her head, dismissing the thought. Lily let it go because she didn’t want Juliet, or any of them, to think about it too deeply. Caleb, especially. Lily knew he, out of all of them, would never forgive her for possessing him if he ever figured it out, and she couldn’t lose him, too. She couldn’t bear to lose anyone else. A desperate, clawing panic started to rise up in Lily’s chest. She cast her eyes up and tried to breathe.

How could I have done this? How could I have put them all in so much danger?

You had no choice, came the answer. Lillian was there with Lily, sharing the echoing loneliness of her head.

Help me. I feel like I’m drowning, Lily replied. She looked around her, stiff as a statue. How long have you been with me?

Since you woke. You were reaching out, Lillian told her. Lily could feel Lillian’s shock at the view they were sharing. What are you going to do?

Lily turned toward the city. “We only have two choices,” she said. “Go into the city, or not. I have no idea what to do.”

Her coven shot one another looks, obviously exchanging mindspeak.

“You’re not yourself,” Caleb said gently. “Each of us has tried to connect with you in mindspeak and it’s like hitting a brick wall. You’ve totally shut us out.”

As she considered it, Lily realized that she had been feeling her claimed brushing up against her mind, asking for entry, but she’d been blocking them out subconsciously. She didn’t want anyone inside her mind, no one but someone who was as culpable as she was. The enormity of what Lily had done hung like a sword over her head, and only Lillian knew what that was like. Only Lillian had sent people she’d loved to their deaths.

How do you keep it from eating you up?

You don’t, Lillian replied. Let it eat you, and be grateful for the pain. If it goes away, then you know you’re dead inside.

Lily didn’t feel pain. She didn’t feel anything. She was numb, her head full of white noise to drown out the shouting inside. As soon as she named the numbness it went away, and hatred bubbled in her throat. Hatred for herself so thick and dark it was like drinking tar.

I can’t do this.

Yes, you can. You can because you must, Lillian replied. I’m here. I understand what it’s like to wake up changed.

“Lily?” Juliet said, moving toward her with an outstretched hand. “Say something.”

Every choice I make gets someone killed. I don’t want to make any more, Lily thought. I’m stuck.

Doing nothing isn’t an option, Lillian said. You had to be ruthless when the Hive came for you, even with Tristan. He died to protect you and the rest of the coven.

No. He died because he wasn’t ready for the burden I put on him. He never should have been in this world.

You’re past that. What’s done is done. All that matters is the task at hand, the city in front of you, and what you’re going to do about it. Don’t waste Tristan’s sacrifice. Swallow your guilt and get moving.