Wind River Wrangler (Wind River Valley #1)(64)
“What do you mean?”
“I guess . . .” she began, looked away for a moment, and then reestablished her gaze with Roan’s. “I guess today impacted me differently. After I woke up from the nightmare, I wondered why I’ve been living half a life. Fear controls me. I’ve been afraid because I saw how my mother died inside after my father’s heart attack. It scared me. I thought that anyone I loved fully would die on me, leaving me suffering like my mother did.”
“It scarred you deeply,” Roan agreed, sympathetic, searching her expression.
“There’s something good between us,” Shiloh whispered. “I’ve always felt it, Roan. And I have a month left here, and I don’t know what to do. I want to explore whatever it is that we have. If you do. And I don’t know what’s going to happen. I feel like I’m strung between the past and the present. I don’t want to go home to New York City. I want to stay here. I never expected to meet a man like you. I was running to get away from my stalker.” With a grimace, she added sourly, “And now, he might be here. I keep trying to tell myself I made up my reaction earlier, but I know I didn’t. I’ve always been sensitive to threat. I have a radar.”
“Probably because you saw your mother murdered,” Roan said, his voice sad.
“Yes . . . exactly. Since then, it’s like I’m on constant alert and I can’t stop it or turn it off.”
“It’s PTSD,” Roan said simply. “Trauma affects every human, more or less.”
Frustrated, Shiloh said, “So I’ve learned.” She saw his expression relax, felt the tension dissolve in him. “Roan, I don’t know where we’re going with each other. If I leave in a month, what will happen to us?”
“I’m not asking you for what will eventually happen to us, Shiloh. No one can know that. What I do want is a full hundred percent commitment from you. I want your heart without strings attached. I don’t know if our relationship will last or not, but I don’t want to enter into something with you and feel you’re going to bail because you’re afraid to fully commit to me at some point down the road if it works out in that direction for both of us.”
She tucked her lower lip between her teeth for a moment. “I’ve never had a conversation like this with a man before. I’ve met guys and they didn’t seem concerned about commitment.”
“Maybe all they wanted from you was sex?”
“I’ve thought that, too. They weren’t into a heavy-duty relationship,” she admitted. “And I made it clear up front that I wasn’t interested in getting tied down, that I wanted to be free to be with whomever I wanted. They were okay with that. They wanted the same thing.” She saw his mouth curve faintly.
“But you’re more mature now. You may want something different at this point in your life.”
Warmth flooded Shiloh as she thought about Roan’s cabin, the labor of love that it was for him. The man worked hard and consistently toward his dream. He was willing to put his heart and soul into it. “Maybe I’ve just never met a man who demanded a serious, honest commitment to him.”
Shrugging, Roan murmured, “Only you can answer that, Shiloh.”
“Doesn’t it bother you that I’m leaving in a month? It bothers the hell out of me.”
“Sure it does, but I don’t see it as the end of anything. It’s just distance,” he said. “There are airplanes. You could come out here for a visit.”
“Or you could fly in and visit me?” She saw him grimace, understanding he didn’t like big cities.
“I would,” he said, holding her gaze.
She felt his words in her heart, which was opening widely to him. “I believe you. I can’t promise you where this will go, Roan.”
“I’m not asking that of you. All I need to know is that you’re not going to let fear stop you from exploring me, finding out who I am. Discovering what we may have together.”
Giving him a wry look, Shiloh said, “I think you’re forcing me to look at myself, what I want, who I am.”
“Good relationships always do that for both people, Darlin’. It’s just a natural progression between them. It can bring out our self-awareness. It’s not easy. But it’s rewarding. None of us were born to live alone or be alone. It’s natural to evolve into relationships, whether it’s in business, friendship, or on a more intimate and personal level.”
Shiloh stood up. “Then,” she said in a low voice, holding his eyes, “I want to know you, Roan. All of you.”
He stood and held her softened gaze. Slipping his hand into hers, he dug into her wide green eyes. “And I’ve been wanting to know you ever since I laid eyes on you for the first time at the airport, Shiloh.”
She wondered why she’d fought so long and hard not to know this man who was the salt of the earth, who was blunt, straightforward, and brutally honest with himself and with her. Roan drew her into his arms, his mouth barely skimming hers, inviting her. A soft sigh escaped Shiloh as she moved into his arms, pressing her breasts against the wall of his chest.
“Are you protected?” Roan asked, his voice thick with arousal.
Sliding her arms around his broad shoulders, feeling the muscles tighten as she skimmed them with her fingers, she whispered against his mouth, “Yes . . .”