Wild Like the Wind (Chaos #5)(61)

Hound on his back under my kitchen sink with a wrench after those assholes installed my kitchen and didn’t put the pipes in right.

The look Hound gave me when I told him no woman loved him.

I’d been pissed.

But I had a bad habit of lashing out when I got pissed, always did, and it didn’t get better after Graham died.

The worst part of me doing that was that most the shit out of my mouth, I didn’t mean. I just meant it to hurt, like me hurting someone could take away the pain in me.

Would I ever learn?

Hound was not bringing my checks anymore.

I had to learn.

The cemetery came in focus, like a sharp, savage blow, telling me to get with the fucking program.

Yeah.

I had a lot of lessons to learn.

I got out of my car. Walked to his grave. It was a wonder there was any snow or turf under my heels I’d walked that path so often.

It was cold. The December chill biting through my jacket.

I should have worn the sheepskin but I really didn’t feel the cold.

The only thing on my mind was what I had to say, how much I needed to say it, and how hard it was going to be.

I sat on my ass in the snow and I didn’t feel that either. It’d get wet through when it melted about two seconds after I sat in my car, but I didn’t care.

I stared at the black marble gravestone with the Chaos insignia etched at the top.

In a fit of rage at life, but mostly at his family, sticking it particularly to his sister, an uppity bitch who I’d detested before but did that more when she thought she had a say about the gravestone of a brother she hadn’t seen in years, I didn’t allow his full name to be put on the stone.

So under the insignia, it just read “Black” and gave the dates he’d been put on this earth and then left it.

Under that, it said, “Ride free, baby.”

That last was mine.

“I know you’re so totally pissed at me,” I whispered.

We’re gonna ride wild and burn bright, baby. We’re gonna tear this life up.

“I can feel it through the dirt,” I said. “Just how pissed at me you are.”

Burn bright, baby.

“I just loved you so much.”

We’re gonna tear this life up.

“I couldn’t find it in me to burn bright without you. You were gone, I was so empty. I gave everything I had to our boys and it felt like there was nothing left.”

We’re … gonna … tear this life up.

“I gotta burn bright, honey,” I said softly. “I gotta start tearing this life up.”

The black stone just stood there.

It might be there forever.

It might fall through the sky when the earth fell out of it.

“I love him.”

It was choked, my admission, choked with the betrayal I had to get over so I could get the fuck on with it.

“I love him and he loves me. I know that last. He doesn’t know the first. Not yet. I didn’t mean for it to happen. Not with Hound. Not with a brother. Not with Chaos. But you’ve seen,” I leaned toward the stone, “you’ve seen. He’s been everything. Everything I needed. Everything you would have been to our boys. He’s been everything, baby. Every-fucking-thing. And I fell in love with him. I tried to blank my heart. I tried to hold it back. But when I hurt him, I knew. When I said that shit to him, I knew. When I found out the Club was in the thick of it again and all I could think was that Hound would be the deepest in that shit, I knew.”

Ride wild.

I pushed up to my knees, leaning forward, reaching out a hand, putting it to the base of the cold marble.

“You love him like I do. If you were breathing, you’d never want this. You’d break the brotherhood to claim me. But you left me, Black. A brother stepped up. And shit happens. You’re not breathing. I gave you years and then I gave you more and I can’t do this anymore. He’s given so much, baby. He’s been there through it all. He sent the man who took you from me straight to hell, maybe earning his ticket there when he did it. He did that for you. You need to do this for him. You need to let him have me. And you need to forgive us both.”

I sat back, wet ass to heels and stared at cold stone.

“We’ll work it out in the afterlife, honey,” I whispered. “Somehow, we’ll make it work. And we’ll all burn bright, tear it up and ride free. I know we will. You wanna know how I know?”

There wasn’t a sound.

Not even a rustling.

“Because that’s how much you both love me.”

My man lay still in the earth, his beacon of black marble gleaming dull in a gray sky.

“You know I’ll come back. Maybe not every week like you’re used to, but I’ll be back. And I’ll see how he feels about it, but if he’s up for it, I’ll bring your brother.” I tipped my head to the side. “And don’t get pissed. You know you wanna see him. You dig down deep, you know where you stand with this. You know, it was you wearing the other boots, Hound would want this for you. You know I told you your future before it happened, then what he’d hand over to me, to us, you’d give this to me. So now you gotta get your shit together, baby. You gotta take my back like your brother’s been doing. And you gotta shine your badass biker light down on us because this is not gonna be easy.”