Whisper to Me(38)

DR. LEWIS: Gender? Age?

ME: The voice?

DR. LEWIS: Yes.

ME: A woman. I don’t know how old. Forty? Not young.

DR. LEWIS: Hmm.

ME: Does that mean anything?

DR. LEWIS: Do you think it means anything?

ME: I thought … it’s dumb, but I thought maybe the voice was a ghost. Of one of the dead prostitutes, you know? And that it wanted me to solve the murder.

DR. LEWIS: Imaginative. But I doubt it.

ME: You said the voice was real.

DR. LEWIS: Real to you. Because it is you. On some level. Often, the people I talk to, their voices say things that deep down they think about themselves. The voice says they’re dressed like ****, or whatever, and the person looks in the mirror and thinks, yeah, I’ve become a bit of a slob. Or the voice bans contact with other people, but actually the sufferer really, unconsciously maybe, believes that they don’t deserve contact with other people.

ME: (blank mind)

DR. LEWIS: It’s a lot to deal with. We have to take it step-by-step.

ME: You think I’m … doing this to myself?

THE VOICE: Who is this man? What are you doing? You ******* worthless piece of ****. When you get home you’re going to bleed. I’m going to—

ME: (screams)

DR. LEWIS: I’m sorry. I don’t mean to distress you.

THE VOICE: ******** ***** this ******* ******.

ME: (puts hands over ears)

DR. LEWIS: The voice is speaking to you now?

ME: (nods)

DR. LEWIS: Okay, okay. Let’s leave it there. Listen. I don’t know if I can help you. But I would like to try. Would you accept that?

ME: (nods)

DR. LEWIS: I’d like to think we can get you off the meds too. They’re not necessary, if you can cope with the voice. Control it.

ME: (looking up, feeling the voice recede into quietness) You think?

DR. LEWIS: Oh, I know it. There are many in this group who take no drugs at all, yet their voices, if they still hear them, are managed. They come when the person wishes it, and not otherwise. They are no longer aggressive.

ME: (inside: This sounds too good to be true.)

DR. LEWIS: I promise it’s true. If you’re willing to try. And to talk through some things. Wherever this voice comes from, it is most likely in your past. Some recent studies say that in somewhere around sixty percent of voice hearers, it’s triggered by a past trauma. Usually childhood. Not an underlying mental illness. You might be in the other forty percent of course, those who really are schizophrenic, or what have you. But I suspect not. And then, some of my colleagues would argue that even those who are ill are often made so by abuse. Or neglect. Or whatever. Sorry. I am rambling. It’s a tendency of mine. What I mean is: you can help yourself. I assure you of that.

ME: So what do I do?

DR. LEWIS: Come here. Once a week. You can talk or you can listen or you can do both. That’s it.

ME: And that’s going to help? Just talking?

DR. LEWIS: It’s a support group. It will support you.

ME: Like … therapy?

DR. LEWIS: No. This isn’t a treatment. It’s a circle of survivors. The source of therapeutic change is the social contact itself. The talking about the problem. A problem shared, et cetera.

ME: Right.

DR. LEWIS: I’d also like you to come fifty minutes before the group starts for the first few weeks. So we can get a handle on your particular voice experience.

ME: We’d … we’d have, like, one-on-one sessions?

DR. LEWIS: Yes. To begin with.

ME: And … what would that cost?

DR. LEWIS: Cost?

ME: What would you charge?

DR. LEWIS: (laughing) I don’t charge.

ME: Seriously?

DR. LEWIS: Seriously.

ME: Oh. Okay. Why not?

DR. LEWIS: Well, for one, as I said, this isn’t a treatment group. It’s a support group. And I am a support facilitator, not a clinical psychologist. Or rather, I am. But not in this context.

ME: Oh now I’m clear.

DR. LEWIS: (laughing) It’s just talking. And some guidelines for dealing with voices, which we have found to be helpful.

ME: And for two?

DR. LEWIS: Pardon?

ME: You said, “For one, as I said, this isn’t a treatment group.” So what’s for two?

DR. LEWIS: I think … I think I was probably going to say that the other reason I don’t charge is that I’m not here for money. I want to help people.

ME: (staring blankly, unable to compute)

DR. LEWIS: Turn up, we talk, that’s it. (pause) Oh, and tell your doctor you’re talking to me. You’re seeing … ?

ME: Dr. Rezwari.

DR. LEWIS: Inform her you’ve joined the group. She knows about us. She might not absolutely agree with us, but she can’t deny the data. The recoveries.

ME: But you think she’s wrong to prescribe drugs?

DR. LEWIS: Whoa! I didn’t say that. I think the overriding prerogative of the health care system is to protect the public and the patient. Which they do well. Just sometimes … the cost is … a certain quality of life.

ME: (thinking of my constant need to sleep, my loss of appetite, my inability to read) Uh-huh.

DR. LEWIS: So, tell her, and stick to whatever she tells you when it comes to drugs. She knows her business. If we make some real progress, you can discuss it with her again. Oh, I’ll also need to speak to your parents. Get their permission for you to come. It’s boring, I know. Sorry.